Yesterday morning I did not look at the date until after I had finished my blog entry. There it read "June 21, 2010". I imagine for most people that date is probably meaningless. For us though, it signifies the worst day of our lives. You see, 7 years ago on that very day Sydney was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma. I can not only remember it vividly but I can also feel it.
In fact, this moment 7 years ago I can tell you exactly what I was doing. I was outside in the garden out in front of Cook's balling my eyes out. I can even remember the conversation that I was having with myself in my head. "Why her?" I remember begging God to take me instead. "Just spare her." She was too pure and too perfect.
Please God, just spare her...
I knew I had to be the big strong Daddy and husband. It was those moments in the morning that were really my only time to do my own grieving. I can still feel the lump in my throat, emptiness in my stomach, and tightness in my jaw. It was a horrible, awful, and all encompassing feeling. I was swallowed by despair. I have never felt worse although I do know that there is one worse feeling - one with more emptiness - and I hope to never feel it.
How lucky are we?
Thank you, God, for the privilege of 7 more years.
This morning we go to the clinic and hopefully continue the journey of 7 more years of purpose.