Tuesday, June 22, 2010

7 years

Yesterday morning I did not look at the date until after I had finished my blog entry. There it read "June 21, 2010". I imagine for most people that date is probably meaningless. For us though, it signifies the worst day of our lives. You see, 7 years ago on that very day Sydney was diagnosed with stage IV neuroblastoma. I can not only remember it vividly but I can also feel it.

In fact, this moment 7 years ago I can tell you exactly what I was doing. I was outside in the garden out in front of Cook's balling my eyes out. I can even remember the conversation that I was having with myself in my head. "Why her?" I remember begging God to take me instead. "Just spare her." She was too pure and too perfect.

Please God, just spare her...

I knew I had to be the big strong Daddy and husband. It was those moments in the morning that were really my only time to do my own grieving. I can still feel the lump in my throat, emptiness in my stomach, and tightness in my jaw. It was a horrible, awful, and all encompassing feeling. I was swallowed by despair. I have never felt worse although I do know that there is one worse feeling - one with more emptiness - and I hope to never feel it.

7 years.

How lucky are we?

How blessed?

Thank you, God, for the privilege of 7 more years.

This morning we go to the clinic and hopefully continue the journey of 7 more years of purpose.

1 comment:

laulausmamma said...

Hi Mark - I know that feeling of dread and despair when you've been told your child has cancer...for us it was with 2 of our kids. Thankfully we have 26 years post NB dx for Katie (now she's having a baby) and almost 4 years for Lauren (Hodgkins Lymphoma). Even with all the years in between....you never forget the when, where and your reaction to the news.
I hope you'll post Sydney's good clinic report news today so we don't have to wait until tomorrow to share your relief and
elation : )
Have a safe and wonderful trip to FL - good luck to the kids at the Jr. Olympics.