Friday, January 9, 2009

The fragile thinking mind

Good morning! Well, today is a busy day. I don't believe I mentioned it previously but Sydney will be having an MRI today. Surprise! Thankfully, it is not so much of a surprise for us. This is routine. After rescheduling a MRI in December, this is what we were left with. The purpose of this MRI is to, once again, take a look at her arm to see where we stand.

What do I expect?

Hmmm. I really don't know. I guess I truly fear a progression of the spot. If we were going to see a progression, I am guessing that this would be about the time that we would start to see it. Does that make sense?

Here is my logic. We discovered this "spot" back in late 2007. After a series of tests, scans, and you name it we finally came to the conclusion that we truly had no idea of what it was for sure. I was prepared to treat it. That, of course, is because I am mental and I really, really hate neuroblastoma. None the less, with no other evidence and a history of over reacting, we decided to be a bit more aggressive in our diagnosis and less so in our therapy. In March (or maybe April) of 2008 we elected to go down to Texas Children's to have a guided needle biopsy performed. It was inconclusive. Well, it wasn't entirely inconclusive. After all, they concluded that they could not find neuroblastoma. Later that year we would have a series of scans. At first, it would show the spot was larger. This was expected. The scans were seeing the trauma from the biopsy. In September of 2008 we were finally far enough out that we were no longer seeing trauma and, in fact, we saw some shrinkage of the spot.

Obviously, this was good news.

So, here is my worry and my theory today. Was the shrinkage due to the fact that this was a spot that was resolving? Neuroblastoma or not, was this spot shrinking without treatment? Was this benign?


Is this spot actually growing again? Think about it. We went in with a needle to a 3 mm nodule and sucked some of it out. This made the nodule smaller. It had to. It was not big enough in the first place. So, in short, the biopsy alone probably shrunk the size of the nodule. We could not see this for months due to the trauma of the procedure. Finally, when enough time had passed, we finally did see the nodule was smaller. But, I ask you, was it smaller because it was resolving or was it smaller because we took a part of it out?

If that is the case, could it be growing again? Wouldn't this be the opportune time to see it grow?

Well sure it would. And this is the reason that I am so completely mental. This is were by brain goes and while I should be envisioning sugar plumb fairies I am actually wrestling with this psychotic stuff.

Yes, this is yet another look into my fragile psyche and the fear that this monster continues to put before us.

On another note, I hate Friday scans.

We won't have the results until next week.


I've got purpose on the brain.

1 comment:

themacdonnells said...

Nice to know other peoples brains function like mine. I'd be thinking the same thing, so if you are mental, at least you aren't alone in your psycosis :) PRAYING the MRI results are good and that you aren't on the verge of another NB headache.