Reminiscing Fear

Good morning! I am happy to report the Dungans had a great weekend. While I can't say that it was anything out of the ordinary I am reminded today of what a privilege that is. It is easy to get wrapped up in life and to forget what we have been through and for what others are going through today. In all of the crazy travel and general busyness I have neglected to mention that Graham's friend Hayden was in transplant. They are now on day +7 and fully engulfed in the worst of the worst of transplant. I remember this clearly. Sydney had a very good transplant experience in comparison to many that I have witnessed and, yet, it still gets the hair to stand up on the back of my neck whenever I reminisce. Hayden is at that point where, everyday, it just gets worse. I think someone said it best when they said the only thing that seemed to break the monotony of the lows was a new low that was previously thought impossible. The body just continues to deteriorate and you feel as though you are just left there to watch. With every minute and hour it just gets worse and you begin to wonder if they will ever pull out of it. Honestly, I still have nightmares of some of the things that happened in transplant. You wonder how much their little bodies can take. You pray and beg for their cells to engraft so that their little bodies can begin the process of recovery. It is not just a scary time. It is absolutely gut wrenching. As I think back on our journey their are a few times that I remember being truly scared for Sydney's life and there is no doubt that this was right at the top of my list.

There are tricks to getting through it but mostly it is just a waiting game. The trick seems to be for parents to continue to put one foot in front of the other - to just keep plugging on. Time seems to just drag on and every minute seems like an eternity. You just have to keep focusing on what you can control. Keep letting them know that they are deeply loved and that you are there. Help them with everything you can and help the nurses to better care for your child. Focus on the little things - one at a time. And then, eventually, the next thing you know you will see a blip on the labs. You will see signs that the cells are engrafting. At first you will feel a ton of weight lifted from your shoulders but that is generally short lived as you begin to wonder if what they say is true. Will it get better? Will these little cells make the difference?

Yes, they do.

First 1, then 2, and then 4 - day by day it will get better - exponentially. All of a sudden their little bodies will begin to heal and their lives will come back.

You just have to keep praying and keep moving forward. You will get there.

Purpose is not easy but you can, and will, endure.