Thursday, August 5, 2010

A Keister Catastrophe

Yes, I heard. Apparently, I did not write in my diary yesterday. I apologize, but, you must understand. Yesterday was cram packed with sending all of my good energy towards healing Lynley's bottom.

You see, it is broken.

It all started on Tuesday night. Both Graham and Sydney had back to school parties at Roller Land. As soon as we had finished lacing up the kiddos skates we sensed it. The smell of thousands of discarded shoes and dirty carpet. The sound of 80s music reverberating through the rink. A deep voice booming over the loudspeaker was announcing the beginning of an hour of "all skate." Clearly it was beckoning us. Nostalgia from our lost youth was calling our names. The next thing we knew Lynley and I were both lacing up skates.

If it wasn't bad enough that we were becoming "those" parents (you know, the ones that break out the 50s dancing at prom or, in this case, the parents trying to relive their past by rollerskating at the kids back to school party) we really had no idea if we could still skate. I mean, it had probably been roughly 25 years. Could we still pull it off? Could we do it without bringing disgrace to our progeny?

Honestly, we could have cared less. It took only seconds to regain our skate legs (apparently, it is just like riding a bike) and we were off. We had a blast. Skating circles around the kids and doing our best to avoid other fallen skaters (there were many).

Hand in hand, around the rink

We had a blast. Even our kiddos were surprised by our grace (well, semi-grace). None the less, Lynley and I spent the remainder of the evening skating around like teenagers (just old ones).

It was during the last song that it happened. There we were, hand in hand and coming up quickly on a slow moving gaggle of newly born skaters. One fell and then it was like dominoes. The next thing we knew our paths forward were blocked. I made a lateral move into the center of the rink which spared my demise but Lynley was less lucky. Her choice was to topple a bunch of first graders or to perform an emergency sit down maneuver.

She chose the latter. Unfortunately her sitter-downer was battered in the debacle. And so it was written, Lynley's glorious tushy was broken.

It has been a tough couple of days for Lynley and her distressed derriere. It is clear from her pained movements that her toucus is still in great distress. While we have held constant vigil to her fantastical fanny it seems that healing is slow in coming. Yes, her gluteous greatous maximus continues to bring her discomfort.

Not to worry though, we are steadfast by her side, dedicated to bringing relief to her righteous rump.

See honey, I told you this wasn't the biggest pain in the ass you ever had.

That spot is reserved for me.

With love and much purpose, I have your backside.


Team Russi said...

You are a good husband to take care of your honey's hiney. Like you, I forgot how awesome roller skating at the rink was until I took my son for a birthday party. He was amazed by my mad skills. Now I like to take him to the YMCA family skates. They usually aren't too crowded so I don't have to worry about crazy adults (like me!) running over him.

Best wishes to the three little Dungans on a great school year!

Vicky said...

So sorry for Lynley's hiney. However, your retelling of the story was hysterical! Great writing!