Well 8 years into it and I can tell you that the impact of having a child with cancer still forms much of who, what I am, and what I think. I don't know that I will ever return to "normal" and, frankly, I don't know that I ever want to. There is still much good to come from the bad and, while I am not saying that anything is worth Sydney having cancer or a child dying from cancer, there are positives that out way many of the day to day negatives that come with the stigma.
I still maintain that I am a better person, a better husband, and a better father for the experience. I enjoy what I have now so much more than I ever did before. I am more compassionate. I am more thoughtful. I am nicer.
However, like anything else that seems to come with treating cancer, I have side effects. Today it is an annoying parental side effect which is the subject of my entry.
Ever since Sydney was diagnosed, I see cancer. I see it everywhere. No matter what happens it is the first thing that comes to mind. Do you have a headache? Could be cancer. Does your toe hurt? Could be cancer. Did you sneeze? Yep, probably cancer. Laugh at me if you like but it is what it is. I can't help it. Now that I think about it, I wonder if it is a cancer ;) ?
And so, when Sydney starts grabbing the side of her chest and complaining that it is burning inside like she did over the weekend, cancer is the first thing I think about. Of course, you may say that is understandable. But, it does not stop there. Graham had blurry vision at school on Monday and I find myself wondering if it is cancer.
In fact, I have a sore neck going on 3 days in a row.
Could it be cancer?
Yep , I am mental and while I can't say for sure that I would have been this mental without childhood cancer touching my life I am going to be sure to blame it on it anyway.
It is a convenient excuse and it let's me quickly move on to thinking about one of the better side effects of this condition - My Purpii.