I appreciate all of the comments and messages I received yesterday. Many of them were very helpful. And, since they are, I am back to ask for a little help. I have a problem.
Ainsley!
Again, don't get me wrong. I absolutely love the little twerp. However, since day 1 there has been something different about her. Even if you don't know her, I am guessing that you could probably figure it out by the fact that, since birth, I have oft lamented the fact that she was going to be trouble. And, she is trouble - BIG trouble. But, I don't mean that in a bad way. She is a lovable little snot and, if I might add, cute as a button. The problem, though, is keeping her from growing up and being BAD trouble.
Since day 1 she was given the gift of the word "no" and she has used that as her mantra. She is relatively fearless when it comes to voicing her opinion and will stand toe to toe with anyone. The problem is she is stubborn and if you don't agree with her she will turn around and do what she wants anyway. As in:
"Ainsley, do not jump on the couch."
"But, I want to."
"Ainsley, do not jump on the couch. You can hurt yourself or damage the couch."
"No, I want to."
"Ainsley, do not jump on the couch!"
"No!"
At this point it usually requires physical movement. If you do not physically remove her from the couch she will continue to jump. Threats of punishment will sometimes suffice. However, this is only one battle. If you leave the room and come back you will find her jumping on the couch again.
Then, she must be punished. Isolation works well. Typically 5 to 10 minutes in "time-out" induces enough heartache in her that one would assume it a sufficient deterrent of future activity. But, we have not stopped there. We have also punished by taking away her favorite toys and by denying her, her true love, candy. We have punished her by denying privileges. You name it and I am pretty sure that we have tried it.
Regardless, 10 minutes later...
She is jumping on the dang couch.
Now, I want to be clear. We are consistent with punishment and I always follow through. There are no empty threats. Additionally, I have tried the gamut. Yes, for those against physical punishment - hate me now - I have even resorted to spanking on occasion. I can also tell you this, spanking does work in the immediate term, but the effect is not long lasting. The behavior always returns and, who knows what other side effects the spanking will cause.
Regardless, I have no solution. I am not even close with her. What do I do to "handle" Ainsley?
She is 5 years old, absolutely adorable, and, perhaps, the funniest of the twerp gaggle. She can also be the sweetest and most loving.
However, she is also the most obstinate and mischievous.
What do I do with Ainsley? How do I train her?
How do I grow a good human being?
I have purpose but no answers.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Pulling wings off of butterflies
Did we just have a weekend? I hardly noticed and I know that I did not enjoy it nearly enough. Next time I will need to pay far more attention. I also feel like I did not spend enough time with the kids. In the end though, I did spend a few hours with them in the pool yesterday afternoon. It was an underwhelming experience and I still do not feel like I got my fill. Don't get me wrong, it was good boy bonding time. I helped protect Graham from the onslaught of girl abuse. I just don't think I did him any favors.
At this point I truly don't believe the girls have any realization or recognition of how mean they are to the Grahamster. The minute I level the playing field (or tip it in his direction) they go ballistic. They moan about how unfair it is and how mean we are. I find it completely ironic that we do the very same thing that they were doing to Graham just seconds before. Yet, in their minds, we are being mean when we do it. Yet, they seem to think that they were just having fun when they did it. I try and point out the interesting little comparison but the message seem to float unimpeded through their noggins.
Let me give you the scenario. We have 5 yellow foam swimming noodles - a daddy bear one, a mommy bear one and 3 twerpy bear ones. When the kids are in the pool it always becomes a battle of the sexes between who gets the noodles. There is a constant struggle as the girls try to steal whatever noodle(s) Graham has. So, to protect his honor, I slipped on my bathing suit, hopped in the pool, and I equalized. I stole the noodles from the girls. Oh, don't get me wrong. I left them with one. However, whenever they ganged up and tried again to steal one of Graham's noodles, I would steal one of theirs.
It never registered. No matter what comparisons I made and no matter how I explained it to them they just did not get it. They learned nothing from the exercise. In fact, the only thing that was solidified in their minds is the fact that I am one big meany.
They are like cats playing with some live animal they just caught. They torture it, give it the hope of escape and then torture it some more. In fact, they will continue torturing it, not until they believe they believe it is too cruel to continue, but rather until they have grown bored with it.
Hmmm. It might be hereditary.
Ooooooh, don't tell Lynley I said that.
I meant to say that I don't know where they got that from.
Enough already, I am off to my purpii before my mouth gets me in any more trouble.
At this point I truly don't believe the girls have any realization or recognition of how mean they are to the Grahamster. The minute I level the playing field (or tip it in his direction) they go ballistic. They moan about how unfair it is and how mean we are. I find it completely ironic that we do the very same thing that they were doing to Graham just seconds before. Yet, in their minds, we are being mean when we do it. Yet, they seem to think that they were just having fun when they did it. I try and point out the interesting little comparison but the message seem to float unimpeded through their noggins.
Let me give you the scenario. We have 5 yellow foam swimming noodles - a daddy bear one, a mommy bear one and 3 twerpy bear ones. When the kids are in the pool it always becomes a battle of the sexes between who gets the noodles. There is a constant struggle as the girls try to steal whatever noodle(s) Graham has. So, to protect his honor, I slipped on my bathing suit, hopped in the pool, and I equalized. I stole the noodles from the girls. Oh, don't get me wrong. I left them with one. However, whenever they ganged up and tried again to steal one of Graham's noodles, I would steal one of theirs.
It never registered. No matter what comparisons I made and no matter how I explained it to them they just did not get it. They learned nothing from the exercise. In fact, the only thing that was solidified in their minds is the fact that I am one big meany.
They are like cats playing with some live animal they just caught. They torture it, give it the hope of escape and then torture it some more. In fact, they will continue torturing it, not until they believe they believe it is too cruel to continue, but rather until they have grown bored with it.
Hmmm. It might be hereditary.
Ooooooh, don't tell Lynley I said that.
I meant to say that I don't know where they got that from.
Enough already, I am off to my purpii before my mouth gets me in any more trouble.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Preventing the onslaught of chaos
Good morning! Well, we Dungan's find ourselves on the brink of another very busy day. This is Lynley's busiest time of the year as her department rolls out about 350 new laptops to the newest group of medical students. This is also complicated by a heavy load of the normal and abnormal day to day issues that she faces as a director. I, too, am buried in work and scurrying to climb myself out of a whole and meet a delivery date of next Friday. My vision of my first week back from vacation having a significant about of available time to work on this public health planning project couldn't have been farther from reality as my time has been quickly eaten up by a surprise grant proposal for a neuroblastoma education initiative that is due on Monday. I don't think Lynley or I will be out of the weeds for another week or two.
The good news is that the kiddos don't seem to be too busy. With a mandatory two weeks off from Tae Kwon Do they don't know what to do with themselves. Surprisingly (and I mean that) that have been exceptionally good this week. There has been a little infighting but surprisingly little given the fact that we are in mid summer and they have spent all of their time together. Graham continues to be a victim of the girls' abuse but I honestly don't know how much can be done about that. To be honest, he brings a bunch of it on himself. While the girls can gang up on him and be mean on occasion, his over the top reaction to their abuse just seems to egg them on more. The only solution seems to be to separate them until (a) Graham can compose himself and (b) the girls find something else to focus their torture upon. After this little break, everyone seems to be back on the same page.
Other than a trip to Chuck E. Cheese this week on Lynley's Birthday and a trip to Target for groceries they have been pretty much homebodies this week. They have filled their days with art projects, Wii games, movies, and swimming outside. All in all, a pretty good summer. However, I also know that we are going to need to get them out and about as all of this coup-up-ed-ness is bound to lead to boredom and sibling abuse. We will see what we can do this weekend to break up the monotony.
It takes purpose and action to prevent the onslaught of chaos.
The good news is that the kiddos don't seem to be too busy. With a mandatory two weeks off from Tae Kwon Do they don't know what to do with themselves. Surprisingly (and I mean that) that have been exceptionally good this week. There has been a little infighting but surprisingly little given the fact that we are in mid summer and they have spent all of their time together. Graham continues to be a victim of the girls' abuse but I honestly don't know how much can be done about that. To be honest, he brings a bunch of it on himself. While the girls can gang up on him and be mean on occasion, his over the top reaction to their abuse just seems to egg them on more. The only solution seems to be to separate them until (a) Graham can compose himself and (b) the girls find something else to focus their torture upon. After this little break, everyone seems to be back on the same page.
Other than a trip to Chuck E. Cheese this week on Lynley's Birthday and a trip to Target for groceries they have been pretty much homebodies this week. They have filled their days with art projects, Wii games, movies, and swimming outside. All in all, a pretty good summer. However, I also know that we are going to need to get them out and about as all of this coup-up-ed-ness is bound to lead to boredom and sibling abuse. We will see what we can do this weekend to break up the monotony.
It takes purpose and action to prevent the onslaught of chaos.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Legacy of an incomplete resection
Good morning! First off, I am happy to report that Lynley had an excellent birthday. Kudos to everyone for going out of the way for making her day special. She was blown away by all of the well wishes. I think we proved ,once and for all, that birthdays did not have to be a big disappointment.
On another note, now that we have made it back home it is, once again, time to get our brains wrapped around Sydney's "retro crural fullness." In the last few days, I have received some email from both Dr. Eames and Dr. Granger. They both feel rather confident that this is not new growth and probably just scarred down old tumor or post operative changes.
They believe the pars defect in L5 is very likely difference in ‘slice’ on CT through the lumbar vertebrae and depends on where the slice goes through the disc. This has also been present for greater than 3 years. Furthermore, in February of 2008 it was stated on the report to be “of no clinical significance”. It could also be a ‘congenital’ development of that vertebrae that is just how Sydney is built. That alternative is also of no clinical significance and not felt to be related at all to her Neuroblastoma.
Bottom-line, after careful review (3 times within last few weeks) with radiology, both Dr. Eames and Dr. Granger feel she does not have any evidence of recurrent tumor and needs no further investigation with other studies at this point in time. However, they do believe we should follow her abdominal CT and chest CT every 6 months for 3-4 more times before stopping all scan follow-up.
That is what they say. So, how do we feel about it?
Well, if you are going to find a chunk of tumor in your daughter 7 years after her original diagnosis, I guess I am pretty thankful that this is what we found. This is pretty much the best case scenario of finding neuroblastoma in your child. However, I still don't like it and I certainly would feel better today if we had found nothing.
As for the belief that this is not recurrent tumor, well, I think that is right on point. However, I don't believe from this set of scans that you can truly say that it is stable in size and not growing. It could be growing very slowly. I still would be feel much better if we reviewed scans from an earlier period. I think more data would give us a better indication of whether this was truly growing or not. However, with that being said, I think they are probably correct. Given the fact that we are reviewing this over a period of 3.5 years it certainly does not appear to be growing.
There are questions that sit in the back of my mind though. How does this chunk of old dead tumor impact her chance of relapse? Is it more likely? How much more? For all of those questions, I am answerless. Frankly, I don't believe anyone knows those answers with any level of assurance. But, is this the reason that kiddos have late relapses? Are we simply smoldering here? Could this be the spark to relight the fire?
I know, nightmarish thoughts, but, if we don't ask the question, who will?
The other problem with all of this is that, even if I could make a case that this would significantly increase her chance of relapse, I could never prove it. Without proof I would have a 0% chance of convincing someone to go in and remove it.
Ironically, this comes down to an issue that I have been very vocal about for years - the nasty legacy of incomplete resections in neuroblastoma.
In that scenario, no amount of purpose will bring clarity.
On another note, now that we have made it back home it is, once again, time to get our brains wrapped around Sydney's "retro crural fullness." In the last few days, I have received some email from both Dr. Eames and Dr. Granger. They both feel rather confident that this is not new growth and probably just scarred down old tumor or post operative changes.
They believe the pars defect in L5 is very likely difference in ‘slice’ on CT through the lumbar vertebrae and depends on where the slice goes through the disc. This has also been present for greater than 3 years. Furthermore, in February of 2008 it was stated on the report to be “of no clinical significance”. It could also be a ‘congenital’ development of that vertebrae that is just how Sydney is built. That alternative is also of no clinical significance and not felt to be related at all to her Neuroblastoma.
Bottom-line, after careful review (3 times within last few weeks) with radiology, both Dr. Eames and Dr. Granger feel she does not have any evidence of recurrent tumor and needs no further investigation with other studies at this point in time. However, they do believe we should follow her abdominal CT and chest CT every 6 months for 3-4 more times before stopping all scan follow-up.
That is what they say. So, how do we feel about it?
Well, if you are going to find a chunk of tumor in your daughter 7 years after her original diagnosis, I guess I am pretty thankful that this is what we found. This is pretty much the best case scenario of finding neuroblastoma in your child. However, I still don't like it and I certainly would feel better today if we had found nothing.
As for the belief that this is not recurrent tumor, well, I think that is right on point. However, I don't believe from this set of scans that you can truly say that it is stable in size and not growing. It could be growing very slowly. I still would be feel much better if we reviewed scans from an earlier period. I think more data would give us a better indication of whether this was truly growing or not. However, with that being said, I think they are probably correct. Given the fact that we are reviewing this over a period of 3.5 years it certainly does not appear to be growing.
There are questions that sit in the back of my mind though. How does this chunk of old dead tumor impact her chance of relapse? Is it more likely? How much more? For all of those questions, I am answerless. Frankly, I don't believe anyone knows those answers with any level of assurance. But, is this the reason that kiddos have late relapses? Are we simply smoldering here? Could this be the spark to relight the fire?
I know, nightmarish thoughts, but, if we don't ask the question, who will?
The other problem with all of this is that, even if I could make a case that this would significantly increase her chance of relapse, I could never prove it. Without proof I would have a 0% chance of convincing someone to go in and remove it.
Ironically, this comes down to an issue that I have been very vocal about for years - the nasty legacy of incomplete resections in neuroblastoma.
In that scenario, no amount of purpose will bring clarity.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Blushing Birthday Bride
It turns out that today is Lynley's birthday. I am quite sure that mentioning her age would probably violate some rule so, in the interest of keeping myself out of the dog house, I won't mention that she is turning 38. Of course, in typical Lynley fashion we have already celebrated her birthday on several occasions. She has had dinners, parties and, of course, most of her gifts. If you know her then you also know that there is no way that she could have possibly waited until her birthday to receive her new iPhone 4 and you know that she could not have possibly waited until after our trip to Orlando for her new camera. Therefore, according to Lynley law, she received many of her best gifts early. Given a week or two she will forget that either of those gifts had anything to do with her birthday and I am quite sure, outside of some home made cards for the kids this will go down as the worst birthday ever.
You see, Lynley doesn't like her birthday. As long as I have known her, it has always been this way. Her scorn is less because she is turning a year older and more because she doesn't want to be disappointed because her birthday's doesn't feel special. It makes me wonder, does in not feel special because she gets all of her gifts early? Or, perhaps, is it the fact that she has her party and birthday dinners before, after and all of the days in between that do not fall on her actual birthday?
Honestly, I think she doesn't like her birthday because she doesn't want to be disappointed. She doesn't want to get her hopes up like a kid outside a candy store only to find the doors locked. In this way, she demands that she doesn't want to do anything for her birthday and makes every effort to do birthday things on days when it is not her birthday. By the time her birthday roles around, it no longer feels special. A "sucky" birthday becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh, and if that was not enough, I have just been informed that we will be going to Chuck E. Cheese with the kiddos today to celebrate her birthday. If that isn't a blatant attempt to have a nightmarish birthday, I don't know what is.
She clearly can no longer have any authority in planning her own birthday. I have let this go on too long.
In the end, it is her birthday and little miss sour face birthday pants is going to do everything she can to ruin it. I say we don't let her. Let's give her a special birthday she will never forget. Tell her happy birthday just despite her. Tell her how excited about her birthday you are just to make her cringe. Sing her a "Happy Birthday" song in the middle of the hallway and make her wear a birthday hat and blow out candles at lunch.
Notwithstanding her feeble attempts to sabotage the day we will give her a happy birthday to remember.
So help my purpose!
You see, Lynley doesn't like her birthday. As long as I have known her, it has always been this way. Her scorn is less because she is turning a year older and more because she doesn't want to be disappointed because her birthday's doesn't feel special. It makes me wonder, does in not feel special because she gets all of her gifts early? Or, perhaps, is it the fact that she has her party and birthday dinners before, after and all of the days in between that do not fall on her actual birthday?
Honestly, I think she doesn't like her birthday because she doesn't want to be disappointed. She doesn't want to get her hopes up like a kid outside a candy store only to find the doors locked. In this way, she demands that she doesn't want to do anything for her birthday and makes every effort to do birthday things on days when it is not her birthday. By the time her birthday roles around, it no longer feels special. A "sucky" birthday becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh, and if that was not enough, I have just been informed that we will be going to Chuck E. Cheese with the kiddos today to celebrate her birthday. If that isn't a blatant attempt to have a nightmarish birthday, I don't know what is.
She clearly can no longer have any authority in planning her own birthday. I have let this go on too long.
In the end, it is her birthday and little miss sour face birthday pants is going to do everything she can to ruin it. I say we don't let her. Let's give her a special birthday she will never forget. Tell her happy birthday just despite her. Tell her how excited about her birthday you are just to make her cringe. Sing her a "Happy Birthday" song in the middle of the hallway and make her wear a birthday hat and blow out candles at lunch.
Notwithstanding her feeble attempts to sabotage the day we will give her a happy birthday to remember.
So help my purpose!
Monday, July 5, 2010
A different kind of victory
Well, we are back at home and back to reality. Last week ended with Sydney sparring at the Junior Olympics. Sydney did well but failed to get past the quarter finals, losing in a sudden death overtime match. She fought as hard as I have ever seen her but just could not get beyond the barrage of kicks that she received from her opponent. The match was close with both opponents leading by a point at one time or another. All through the match it looked as though Sydney was going to be able to pull off the win. Unfortunately, with just 13 seconds to go in the overtime period her opponent snuck a kick in which scored.
Where Graham had been devastated by his loss, Sydney was just plain mad. She wanted back in the ring and she was prepared to kick her way all the way to the top of the podium. Unfortunately, her chance was gone.
So, while we all hate to see our kids lose, I genuinely think this was one of the best things for them. It seems like with every sport there is a consolation prize or some type of participation medal. There is a way to reward everyone just for competing - a way to make everyone feel like a winner. At this level, the Junior Olympics has no such reward. The only winners were those that stood upon the podium. In this way, my children had to learn to lose and deal with the consequences. They learned that if they are to win they will have to work harder. They both know that they can win. They just didn't and, if they want to avoid feeling that way again, they will need to step up their game.
That is an important lesson to learn.
In another sense, they accomplished a ton. In just there second year of Tae Kwon Do they made it all the way to the top. They fought the best in the country in the biggest venue there is. That, in and of itself, is a big accomplishment.
I am proud of them.
Since the moment Sydney arrived back at home she is already preparing for the next tournament. Although the entire team is required to take a two week break from practicing, Sydney is already stubbornly working on her next form. She is also asking us to work with her kicking. She wants to learn to kick harder and to increase her stamina.
Next time she wants to win.
It seems our trip was more successful that we had planned.
Purpose comes from inspiration.
Where Graham had been devastated by his loss, Sydney was just plain mad. She wanted back in the ring and she was prepared to kick her way all the way to the top of the podium. Unfortunately, her chance was gone.
So, while we all hate to see our kids lose, I genuinely think this was one of the best things for them. It seems like with every sport there is a consolation prize or some type of participation medal. There is a way to reward everyone just for competing - a way to make everyone feel like a winner. At this level, the Junior Olympics has no such reward. The only winners were those that stood upon the podium. In this way, my children had to learn to lose and deal with the consequences. They learned that if they are to win they will have to work harder. They both know that they can win. They just didn't and, if they want to avoid feeling that way again, they will need to step up their game.
That is an important lesson to learn.
In another sense, they accomplished a ton. In just there second year of Tae Kwon Do they made it all the way to the top. They fought the best in the country in the biggest venue there is. That, in and of itself, is a big accomplishment.
I am proud of them.
Since the moment Sydney arrived back at home she is already preparing for the next tournament. Although the entire team is required to take a two week break from practicing, Sydney is already stubbornly working on her next form. She is also asking us to work with her kicking. She wants to learn to kick harder and to increase her stamina.
Next time she wants to win.
It seems our trip was more successful that we had planned.
Purpose comes from inspiration.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Another tough day
It was a tough day for both team GSX and the Dungans. Yesterday's matches were in forms, weapons and breaking. These are not areas where our team particularly focuses. As I have said before the team is all about sparring. So, in this sense, it is not surprising that we tend dominate in sparring. However, in the past we have usually done pretty well in forms as well.
Yesterday, however, was another story. I watched everyone's forms and can tell you that our kids performed very well. In fact, most were performing the same forms that many of them have dominated with all year long. Strangely though nearly everyone was knocked out of the competition fairly early. There was something about the style with which our kids were doing forms that the judges here did not like. To us, they looked crisp and clean while the competition looked, in our opinions, loose and somewhat sloppy.
We can't say too much though. After all, they won. We also had some issues with the forms that we competed with. We had selected to do the more difficult of the two form choices we had. Unfortunately, almost unanimously, the winners had performed the simpler of the two forms.
It was strange and the judging was almost a complete opposite of the judging that we had seen in previous competitions. I don't know what they were looking for but, whatever it was, we did not have it.
The good news is that our kids did pretty well. Sydney was spectacular. She lost back to back to the silver medalist and the bronze medalist but she had did better than I have ever seen her do. Competition was stiff in her age group. I honestly can't say that she was the best but I can say that there was a very fine line separating the winners. She did an incredible job and I was very proud.
Graham was a bit of a different story. Poor boy. Out of the shoot, Graham added a kick to the opening sequence. Why he did it, I have no idea. Other than that his form was perfect. Unfortunately, a glaring mistake such as that cost him his first match. His second match was as perfect as I have ever seen him do. I don't know how he lost. In fact, there was an audible gasp from the crowd when he did lose. He was one of those that fell victim to losing to someone performing the simpler form. I am not a professional but I can tell you that his form was very clean. I simply don't know why he lost. I wish I had an answer for him. He, too, lost to the silver medalist.
Today is the Dungan clans last official day of competition. Sydney will be sparring today along with another 6 members of the team. Sydney has a tough bracket and will need to fight her way through several matches to medal.
It won't be easy.
But, again, I find myself just hoping she gives it her all. As long as she does I will be proud.
I want to see her overcome her demons and fight with purpose.
Yesterday, however, was another story. I watched everyone's forms and can tell you that our kids performed very well. In fact, most were performing the same forms that many of them have dominated with all year long. Strangely though nearly everyone was knocked out of the competition fairly early. There was something about the style with which our kids were doing forms that the judges here did not like. To us, they looked crisp and clean while the competition looked, in our opinions, loose and somewhat sloppy.
We can't say too much though. After all, they won. We also had some issues with the forms that we competed with. We had selected to do the more difficult of the two form choices we had. Unfortunately, almost unanimously, the winners had performed the simpler of the two forms.
It was strange and the judging was almost a complete opposite of the judging that we had seen in previous competitions. I don't know what they were looking for but, whatever it was, we did not have it.
The good news is that our kids did pretty well. Sydney was spectacular. She lost back to back to the silver medalist and the bronze medalist but she had did better than I have ever seen her do. Competition was stiff in her age group. I honestly can't say that she was the best but I can say that there was a very fine line separating the winners. She did an incredible job and I was very proud.
Graham was a bit of a different story. Poor boy. Out of the shoot, Graham added a kick to the opening sequence. Why he did it, I have no idea. Other than that his form was perfect. Unfortunately, a glaring mistake such as that cost him his first match. His second match was as perfect as I have ever seen him do. I don't know how he lost. In fact, there was an audible gasp from the crowd when he did lose. He was one of those that fell victim to losing to someone performing the simpler form. I am not a professional but I can tell you that his form was very clean. I simply don't know why he lost. I wish I had an answer for him. He, too, lost to the silver medalist.
Today is the Dungan clans last official day of competition. Sydney will be sparring today along with another 6 members of the team. Sydney has a tough bracket and will need to fight her way through several matches to medal.
It won't be easy.
But, again, I find myself just hoping she gives it her all. As long as she does I will be proud.
I want to see her overcome her demons and fight with purpose.
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