Yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary. For those of you that are concerned that I may have forgotten the milestone, RELAX! After Lynley's little birthday surprise, she has me wrapped around her little finger. There is no way I would forget to be the dutiful husband. Plus, the Jag is in her name which means I have to be on my best behavior.
She's not stupid.
On the other hand, you have to be wondering. How did Mark land such a fox? (Yeah, I know. I have been wondering the same thing.) And, on top of that, one has to wonder how did he keep her for 14 years (21 since we started dating).
I mean, come on. It is the white elephant in the room. Let's get that out there.
While I would like to tell you that it is my mad "Don Juan" skills, it isn't. Although, I have come up with a few proven secrets to a happy and long marriage. Here are a few nuggets that have clearly worked for me that you may want to stick in your back pocket.
1. First, and foremost, for me to get a girl like Lynley and keep her it has taken one main ingredient - wine, lots and lots of it. It is best to keep wives a little lit. This way they don't notice all of the stupid stuff we do. This has been one of my most important secret marriage weapons. Think of it as a happy marriage lubricant. Trust me, if you want a long and happy marriage, don't skimp here. Buy it by the box.
2. Secondly, have 3 or 4 kids within a year or two of one another early on in the marriage. This step can't not be heeded too closely and it is another one of my best nuggets. Trust me, if you play your cards right, as I have, she will never leave you for fear of being taken over by the gaggle of kiddos. This is like buying a 20 year marriage insurance policy. She will keep you around just for the moral support. Yes, early (in the marriage) and frequent pregnancies are also an important ingredient to a happy and long marriage.
Note: please do not mix step 1 with step 2.
3. This is the tough one. Rule 3 is to always do exactly what she says or do always do things in her best interest. I know, I know. It sounds hard but, trust me, this works. If you want your marriage to truly work you have to realize that you will never, ever be right. If you acknowledge this fact early on and just do what they say, you will be batting .400. The good news is that there is also an important caveat to this rule. You can still do most things that you want to do. You just have to make sure that you are doing it for their benefit. For example, if I want to go play golf, all I have to do is tell her that I am going to give her some alone time. As long as I never mention golf, I am in good shape. It works every time. I am happy. She is happy.
See, there you go, 3 simple rules to a long and happy marriage. And, here, you probably thought it was going to be difficult.
Oh, and I should probably mention that this is another one of those things that you should probably not mention to Lynley. These "happy marriage" rules seem to work best when your spouse is unaware that you are following them. So, once again, let's not tell her about this.
Yes, that means you.
Oh, and also, I should probably point out that it doesn't hurt that I really, really love her.
She is, after all, my purpose.