Dad's Diary - a journey through childhood cancer

Taekwondo tournaments are better than water parks

2011-09-01T20:21:00.001-05:00

We spent the last weekend at the Gaylord Texan in Grapevine Texas at the Dallas International Taekwondo Hanmadang. The what you say? Yep, a hanmadang, which we learned means "big field", usually associated with festivals, family, and community. It was that, and it was more.

It was Ainsley's debut in a taekwondo tournament. We aren't sure really how Master Adrian talked her into it, but Ainsley agreed to jump in and join her brother and sister in a real tournament. Now, she's watched many (if not a hundred) of her sibling's tournaments, but never has participated. This time, with really nary a nervous twitch, Ainsley stepped onto the mat and did both forms and sparring.

The conversation leading up to the tournament went like this. Ainsley "I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this". Mom and Dad, "you don't have to, but you promised Master Adrian". Ainsley "Okay". Then the day of the tournament in a very adult manner, Ainsley says "I don't want to go out there". Mom and Dad, "it's a good chance to practice being like a cheerleader, they have to stand out in front of lots of crowds and perform". Ainsley, "oh, okay".

Forms went okay, she forgot a lot of it, but bravely carried on. Then we got to the sparring part. She stepped out there full of confidence. Within about 10 seconds, that disappeared. The little girl she was up against had obviously done this many times before. Ainsley quickly turned into the proverbial punching bag. She kept going. The other girl scored 5 points, 10 points, 15 points, and then the ultimate most horrible thing happened (in Ainsley's eyes), the girl accidentally kicked her in the head. Finally, our Ainsley showed up. She cried, then promptly turned to the ref and yelled, "she's not supposed to kick me in the head". Unfortunately, the tears had started, and they didn't stop. Master Adrian gracefully conceded the match almost a full round early.

I don't know about Mark, but many emotions flitted through my brain. OMG, we are horrible parents, how could we do this to her? Wow, what a great punching bag she is! Ainsley is so brave to keep going. This will be the end of her very short TKD career. Oh my goodness, that family from TKD that came to watch how tournaments work will never, ever, sign up their kids after this. That's my baby, ohhh, that had to hurt. A million thoughts in less than a minute. It was harrowing. It was miserable. It was good.

Good? Yes, because it was a "great learning experience". I know, the ultimate cliche. And, because Ainsley and the other girl were the only ones in the division, Ainsley ended up in 2nd place, and she got a trophy. Her first. A trophy that she is SO excited about (see Flickr pics). And, it was good based on the kids reviews. Master Adrian asked the kids on Monday, "hey kids, was that water park (at the Gaylord) fun or what"? The answer? "No not really, we had more fun at the tournament". Enough said.

The weekend was a success. It turns out that it wasn't because we spent Sunday at the new Gaylord Texan water park, swimming, hula hooping, getting fake tattoos, and winning dance contests (yep, Graham won). The weekend was a success because each kid tried their best, and in doing so, felt like they were on top of the world. You can't beat that.

In the hallways

2011-08-25T19:31:00.001-05:00

The cancer path has influenced our lives in so many ways, and though we aren't currently in the midst of day to day battle, it still has such a huge impact in so many aspects of our daily lives. Some days, we are lucky to forget the battle at large, but really, at least for me, it crops up in little ways at least a few times a day.

Really, I'm so lucky and blessed. Still to this day, I pass people in the hallway at work that stop and bravely ask, "how is your daughter", or, "what's the latest with Sydney"? I call them brave, because truly, they are. Do you take that risk? The risk of the answer being "not so great", or, "we received some bad news". I am so thankful for these people, and their caring commitment to just being such fearless brave human beings.

I always strive to be that brave. It's hard though. But, trying to reach that goal, I've made it a purpose, especially at work, to bring together cancer "peeps". It may be them, their children, their spouses, or other loved ones that are fighting the good fight, but regardless, they deserve some support. I try (try being the operative word), to not shy away from the real stuff, to ask the questions I'd want to be asked, and to really listen to the answers.

It seems to go through phases, and unfortunately, recently has been one of the not so great phases. At work one co-worker has been recently diagnosed, one's husband was moved to hospice today, and one (one of my very best buds) has been told that he has another tumor after Cyber Knife radiation to a tumor found in the brain following the spread of colon cancer. I sit there, and trying as bravely as I can, ask, what's the next step, what's the next treatment, how can I help? So very little, really. But what I try to never forget is that it can always be worse, that the right attitude makes all the difference, and a good listening ear is priceless.

Everyday you're bombarded I'm sure, just as we are, with groups asking for help, for giving. This is good, and necessary. Heck, even we've asked for the same. But, I have a different question - what do you do in the hallways?

Cleaning up the dishes

2011-08-24T20:07:00.002-05:00

Last night was a great night. We did homework, we swam, we had dinner. For those of you that may not know, we have a dinner ritual (which luckily, we get to follow most nights). We sit, we eat, we talk about our day. No TV or electronics allowed. We typically ask the children 2 to 3 questions. The standard 2 are "What was the best part of your day", and, "What was the worst part of your day". Lately, for comic relief, we have thrown in "What was the funniest part of your day". Believe it or not, we actually get a better picture of our kids lives with these simple questions than we do with any others we throw at them at any other time during the day.

Tonight, we were regaled with tales of "100 lashes with a wet noodle" (Ainsley's teacher's hopefully comic response to non performance in the classroom), and with "I hate Spanish" from Sydney. Of course, the families response to that was to start talking in any other language except English. Mark, well, he does Spanish (or Mexican to those in Texas). Graham is quite adept at Chinese. Ainsley, well, she does a chinish - a nice mix of Spanish and Chinese, both of which she's had since pre-k. Me, well, I can do any language in a wonderful Southern accent. I really don't get it - English and I, we do quite well, not but a small hair of southern influence, regardless of growing up in Alabama. But listen to me "try" to speak another language, and you would swear I grew up in backwater Alabama with a banjo on my knee.

So, dinner wraps up with us all speaking in horrible tongues, and moves to the clean up phase. Mark and I have made the determination over the last month or so that there is no reason for adults in our family to clean up dinner. After all, this is why we had children (I did warn you that Mark is PC, and I'm not, right?). So, amidst kicking, screaming, and plate slinging, dinner clean up commences. I must comment, because last night was a rare event. The children cleaned up with only 1 fight amongst them, we had one cleaning the table, and 2 putting the dishes in the dishwasher. Life is good. One day they may graduate to bus boys and girls, and the bonus is of course that they will be bilingual while doing it.

Here's to the future!

A Different View

2011-08-23T20:21:00.002-05:00

So, many have expressed concern over the limited amount of posts from Mark over the summer. I (Lynley) thought I'd pinch hit and try to fill in some of the blanks. But first, we need to set the record straight - I am not Mark, I am unfortunately not witty, and certainly by no means am I a neuroblastoma aficionado. But, I can sometimes string a few words together, and hopefully, I can at least catch you up on our lives.

In case you didn't know, Mark was snatched up by an out-of-the-blue recruiter last December, with visions of steady money and a job just down the road. He couldn't say no (and shouldn't have), so Mark packed up his bags (laptop) and headed a mile and a half down the road to a job at Parker Hannifin, doing what he's always done best, and loved, which is programming. Thus begins the slippage of postings. Out of the house at 7:15 am and back home at TaeKwondo time at a steady Monday through Friday clip.

Personally, I also think that anyone writing a blog for as many years as he has has to feel the challenge of keeping up. He started before "blogging" was "blogging". He started before (for those in the cancer world) Care Pages existed. Yes, in the eyes of technology, Mark is ancient. Again, and this is me talking (writing), but what began as a brain catharsis, somewhere in the 8 years since begun, could maybe sometimes turn into something that seems like a job. I don't know, luckily, no one has ever depended on me writing a daily blurb (good choice), but that pressure if no longer for a personal release could to be a heavy one.

Okay, so enough about blogging. Here's the low down on the summer. The first part of the summer was taekwondo. We breathed it, we slept it, we sweated it, we worked it. Then came the "Great Trip to California" for the taekwondo Junior Olympics/Nationals. Both Graham and Sydney did great, and Sydney came home with a bronze. Not bad for a cancer kid, huh? Ainsley tagged along as always and had a great time. Check out our Flickr page for pics.

We returned happy, elated, and totally burned out on TKD of course. So began a month sabbatical. I'd like to say that exciting things happened during this time, but really, no one wanted excitement. We wanted home and family.

So, we had home, family, and a roast. Roast you say? Yes, that is what we've done this summer. I think we are now in the 3rd hottest summer rankings of all Texas time. Why do we live in this h-e-double hockey sticks place? Honestly, our brains were fried at at least 30 days of 100 temps ago, and I couldn't say.

I have to give an example of the heat (actually, I could give you a hundred, but I don't want to bore you even more). This one stood out. Sydney has to put in ear plugs to swim to fight off swimmers ear. They are made of some orange substance. Yesterday she couldn't find any of her "ears". We all searched. And searched. They have to be where you left them on the porch I said, at least a million times. Found them finally! They had been left on the, shaded mind you, back porch. We found some nice gelatinous goo on the wood planks of the back porch, oddly colored orange, with bits of dog hair sticking out. The dogs ate them you say? Oh noooo, what had been solid now was liquid, a nice melted pile of ear wax, dripping its way through the table. "It's so hot" sayings just begin to roll of the tongue, don't they?

Fast forward to August, when fast again becomes the name of the game. All the chaos of returning to school began to happen, and then before we knew it, school started. Sydney started 4th, Graham 2nd, and Ainsley 1st. We are a week and a few days into it, and so far no one has hated their teacher, and no blood has been shed. Keep your fingers crossed.

Now, I don't have a quaint purpose line to finish with, but I do need to run off, Ainsley and I are making cookies, and she's told me after reading the recipe that we need some "slick" butter. I'm wondering if that's something Central Market will carry...

Alternate Universe

2011-07-28T06:29:00.002-05:00

No, Lynley, just because I decided to do two loads of laundry this morning does not mean you woke up in some alternate universe.

Jeez, it is hard for a guy to have a little purpose around here.

Anonynousness

2011-07-26T06:47:00.005-05:00

Well, well it has been a long time. I guess it says something that I just have not had much to say. The good news is that all seems to be going well. All in all, it has been an excellent summer. For a change, I have more time to spend with the family. Call it selfishness. Call it laziness. But, for once in the last 10 years, I have gone from an average of 80 hour weeks to about 45 hour weeks. It has been a nice hiatus.

Stress is down. Family is up. Life is good.

It isn't that I don't miss being smack dab in the front lines but, it is nice to just BE for a change.

Anonymousness feels nice.

The kiddos, well they are awesome. Perfect, no? We are still battling infighting. Sydney is still exhibiting strange "illnesses" quite regularly. Graham is an overly emotional germaphobe (his words, not mine) , and Ainsley is still stealing candy and hiding it under the couch. No, our lives are still far from perfect. In that sense, there remains a lot to write about. None the less, it is who we are and I would trade it for nothing.

Oh, and I can't forget Lynley. Little has changed with her either. She remains smokin' hot and, thankfully, brainwashed regarding me.

Yep, it is good to be me.

It was nice writing again. I have missed it. Perhaps there will be more in the future.

Although my writing has diminished - my purpose has not.

Breaking Through

2011-07-06T06:02:00.003-05:00

Home sweet, home. Well, we have been back home from California for the better part of a week. Overall, Sydney and Graham's Tae Kwon Do team did well. I think that with each passing day Sydney has gained more and more pride regarding her bronze medal. At first, she was sad that she only achieved bronze. I just don't really think she digested the scale of her accomplishment until after she realized how tough this venue was. When some of her team heros (people who she looks up to for their dominance) came back with bronze and silver medals she began to realize that just getting to compete was a big accomplishment and a medal, any medal, was like walking on the moon.

It has had a profound effect on her confidence. I mean this, of course, in a good way. But, she walked into this tournament with doubt that she could accomplish anything on her own and walked out knowing nothing stood in her way. I don't know how long the effect will last but it is this feeling that is exactly the reason we put her in Tae Kwon Do.

Unfortunately, Graham did not walk out with the same feeling. He is a self doubting wreck. You would never expect a little boy with so much good stuff going would have such an unhealthy picture of himself painted in his mind. He is smart, athletic, funny and so incredibly creatively talented and yet, to listen to him, you would think he had failed at everything. The good news is that he is no worse off than when we began our road to the Junior Olympics. However, Graham needed this win more than anyone.

He is my biggest challenge as of late. Graham is tough for me. I absolutely love the little bugger but he is the one that I have the most difficulty communicating with. I don't know whether it is because we are both male or because we are so much alike that it pushes us apart but, I just don't ever feel like I can get through to him. In this sense, he is a momma's boy. Yes, Lynley has his heart. It is frustrating though, because he needs me. He is just like his dad. There is so much that I can impart to him if he would just give me the chance.

It is one of my greatest frustrations in life.

I just want to help him and, right now, he needs it.

This one will take weeks, months and years of purpose.

US Junior Olympics Bronze Medalist

2011-06-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a very long and nerve racking couple of days. First up was Graham. While I am incredibly proud of him, I am sad for him to say that he finished just out of medal contention. Graham fought excellently and, in the match that would dictate whether he made it to the metal rounds, I am sad to say he fell just short. Honestly, I think he fell victim to electronic scoring. While he did not totally dominate the match, I think it was clear to everyone that he was the more skilled competitor. Had this match been decided by judges there is no doubt that Graham would have won. Unfortunately, his kicks just never scored with the electronic gear. Although, we have plenty of photographic evidence of good, solid kicks that should have scored. :) Regardless, he lost in the last 10 seconds of the final round to a series of punches that we are still trying to figure out.

Sydney's day started out hard as well. Her forms competition was stacked with 25 of the best girls from all around the country. She did an incredible job on her form but, unfortunately, it was only good enough to place her 11th amongst the tight competition. Still, an impressive feat considering these were the best of the best.

Sparring, however, was where things began to change. Make no mistake, none of it was easy. Every round was close and competition was fierce. There wasn't a single girl without the mojo needed to win. Sydney, however, was fierce. She went out with a fire and vigor that would lead her out of the preliminaries and into the medal rounds. Sydney would fight a tremendously hard match which would place her in third place. In the end, she lost the match 3 to 1 which would have placed her in the final gold medal match to a girl that was flatly incredible.

I felt incredibly proud of her winning the bronze at the US Junior Olympics.

It has been a long road for a little girl with stage 4 Neuroblastoma.

Who would have thought?

I am beginning to think she may have even more purpose than her father.

Resurfacing in San Jose

2011-06-28T18:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know it has been a long time in coming. But, what can I say, things have been going well and for once I have just been participating in life. No stresses, no worries. Just me and the fam. For better or worse, I have not felt the need to be the reporter.

Selfish?

Probably, but it has been nice to just breath a little.

So, today I find myself in San Jose awaiting Graham's grand entrance into the Tae Kwon Do Junior Olympics / National Championships. In a bit he will be competing in forms and then later today in sparring.

My expectations?

Growing a great human being. Could he win? Maybe. But he has 40 of the top 6 and 7 years olds from around the world. In my eyes he has already won.

It is the journey.

That's our purpose.

Results to follow.

Cat Scanning of a different sort

2011-06-15T05:58:00.004-05:00

Good morning! Long time no write. Well, it should still come as no surprise that my lack of writing is not a sign of nothing going on. No, it seems like there just hasn't been a moment's notice. Regardless, here I am, with an update.

To say things have been busy would be an understatement. Most notably, we are just two weeks shy of the Tae Kwon Do National Championships (Junior Olympics). With that comes brutal and frequent practices. Currently the kiddos are having two-a-day practices and on top of that private lessons to polish off their forms. When Sydney is not doing that she is at "horse camp" this week where she is learning how to ride horses. The other two kiddos have found themselves doing a lot of traveling as they usher themselves from home to horse camp and Tae Kwon Do and back all over again. When they aren't carpooling they still seem to be finding hours upon end to swim.

Yes, times are good and the summer seems to be going superbly.

Lynley and I? Well, between work, play dates, swim parties, horse camp and Tae Kwon Do; we really don't get out much. In fact, we don't do much of anything but chase kiddos and muddle through chores. Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. This is simply the life of a child's servant.

On a funny note:
Yesterday, Ainsley and Stephanie, our nanny, made a stop by Pet's Mart while they were waiting for Sydney's camp to finish for the day. Ainsley watched as someone brought a kitten up to the cashier for purchase. Ainsley did not understand how they would be able to scan the cat at the register so that they could by it. In her mind, the scanner is how it keeps track of what you buy. After all, it is the scanner (and apparently only the scanner) that tells the machine how much invisible money it has to take off of my debit card.

Out of the mouths of babes. How times have changed...

I have really become very close to Ainsley over the last couple of months or so. She is at a particularly snugly stage and we are having a blast together. And to think, this all began with a few trips to 7-Eleven for Slurpees.

The power of one and one time...

And purpose...

Sydney's Birthday with "Lobster Legs"

2011-06-07T06:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was Sydney's 10th birthday. This is a pretty big milestone in any child's life but I think given Sydney's history it just means that much more. She, of course, is just proud to be 10 and seems to be enjoying just being in her skin more than I have seen before. If yesterday was any indication, it looks like my little walking decade is going to have a wonderful year.

Well, to celebrate such an auspicious occasion we had to do it just right. Sydney, of all things, wanted lobster for dinner. (Typical woman thing to want in our family I might add.) Now, you may think that with that fancy new car that Lynley surprised me with for my birthday, that lobster must be the way that I roll. Oh you know, expensive cars, posh duds, fine jewelry.

Nope, not this guy.

I admit it. I am a coupon cutting, penny pinching tight wad with a neat freak streak. Regardless, 3 kids with lobster dinners - not this guy. We had to get creative. Now don't get me wrong, it was, after all Sydney's birthday. For her, a $20 lobster it was. However, for the other grubby little money scarfing munchkins, not so much. They wanted lobster because their sister was having it. Not because they could tell the difference between the lobster and the $7 snow crab legs.

That is when they became "lobster legs."

And that is exactly what Graham and Ainsley greedily chowed down on. Oh yes, they just love "lobster legs."

We now have a really nice thing going so please, please don't laugh if you are out with us and my kiddos order lobster legs. Else you might just end up with the bill.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Sometimes my purpose feels dirty. But still, it is so darn fun.

A fine ending

2011-06-01T05:36:00.003-05:00

Summer has arrived. Oh, yes, school has come to a close and the kiddos are already knee deep into nothingness. I must admit. The kiddos all deserve some rest and relaxation. Sydney finished out the year on the all 'A' honor roll. Graham slid in with some marks of true brilliance on his achievement tests and Ainsley, perhaps the most brilliant of all, finished out her stellar year with almost more blue marks than green. Let me be clear. All of the kids surpassed my expectations.

Which says a lot. I expect them to be better than me and everyone knows by now that I have a very high opinion of myself. Then again, everyone that knows me would also expect me to have a pretty high opinion of my own progeny.

None the less, they were awesome this year and they deserve every bit of praise they get. I am a proud Papa.

Last weekend not only marked the beginning of summer but it also marked Ainsley's 6th birthday and the "pre" celebration of Sydney's 10th (count em' 10) birthday. We spent the day at NRH2O,a family water park not too far from us. Was it fun? Well, it was as fun as 2 adults and 7 kids could possibly have at a water park. The kiddos all seemed to truly enjoy themselves and we seemed to simply survive - a true mark of success, I think. Well, I had best be off.

There are twerplets rustling.

I am off to purpose.

Bagina

2011-05-26T05:57:00.002-05:00

I know, I know. What a horrible title for a blog entry. Perhaps you are just as shocked and appalled as Lynley and I were when we were confronted by Graham and Ainsley last night. We heard the argument coming down the stairs.

"Bagina!"

"Vagina."

"Bagina!"

"Vagina!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

Yep, this was the argument reverberating through the house as my brilliant little progeny made their way to the kitchen. Supposedly, they were clever. It did not take them long to find us. There we were, 2 innocent parents toiling away in the kitchen making dinner - slaving away for our children to feed their little bellies and nourish their growing brains.

Here they were, my 5 (almost 6) and 7 year old fighting over the correct pronunciation of the girlie part. They were not quiet. Oh know, they were loudly debating with clearly no remorse, tact, or fear of consequence.

This is what my life has come to. I am now settling arguments on the correct pronunciation of the word vagina?

It does not seem like it was that long ago that we were cuddling our little kiddos and nurturing their bright young minds with the likes of Dr. Seuss and Baby Einstein.

Where oh where did we go wrong? What happened?

My purpose has been raped of its innocence.

Keeping the wolvelets at bay

2011-05-23T06:13:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note to let you know that, as predicted, Graham is well on the road to recovery. A couple of days of antibiotics and you would have no idea that he had been sick. He was so well he even attended a gruelling 2 hour Tae Kwon Do practice on Saturday morning. We are about a month away from Nationals (the Junior Olympics) and the kiddos have started an intense preparation regimen. I grow tired just looking at them.

I probably shouldn't say anything but wearing them out is probably a good thing. I love my kiddos but we have a cancer growing in our house right now. (No, hopefully not the real kind.) The kiddos can't stop fighting with one another. It starts the moment they get together and it only gets worse from there. Simply stepping into our house right now will raise your blood pressure by about 30 points. I don't know what has happened to spark this week long session of infighting but it is unbearable.

It is not a happy place to be.

As a parent it is extremely hard to not let it affect you. It does not take long for the constant barrage of tattling and yelling to have an effect. You can go from feeling calm and peace to anger and anxiety in a moments notice without knowing what hit you. It is like a poison and it isn't healthy. While I would like to say that everything is hunky dory around the Dungan household - these are unfortunately dark times.

So, how do you break the cycle?

I don't know if we have the answers but we are working hard. Tag team parenting seems to help Lynley and I stay somewhat rationale. We have instituted several new rules to keep the arguments from escalating but we have had many failures. Go figure, a calm, intelligent conversation with them was absolutely useless. (It only maintained sanity for about 2 minutes.) But, swift punishments and lots of time alone seem to be working. Hopefully we can continue to drain the level of tension.

My only fear?

School ends this week. Then, they will be together all of the time.

It will not be getting easier.

We will need more purpose to keep us sane and to keep the wolvelets at bay.

Life is like a box of chocolates

2011-05-20T05:58:00.005-05:00

First, I have been meaning to post this for weeks. As Jay's wedding reception went on the kids eventually grew tired of all of the face time. Graham would take a break from all of the action by walking out in front of the building to grab a quiet seat on the bench that lined the side walk. The moment I saw him a could not help myself from making the comparison to Forrest Gump. I asked Lynley to come out and snap this picture. Just like Forrest, Graham would be the first to tell you that life is like a box of chocolates.

Think my opinion was too far off of the mark?

Run Forrest Run. That's my boy.

Now, on a relatively sad note for our little Forrest, the Gumpster is home sick with strep throat. Yesterday, we sent Dudely to school with high hopes. Although he had been complaining about a sore throat for a day or two we had assumed it was just some drainage from allergies. We drugged him up with some Ibuprofen and hoped for the best. Unfortunately, he didn't even make it through lunch. We received the call and I picked him up from school a little after lunch. Given the time and the fact that I knew I probably would not make it back from the doctor's office until after school was out, I elected to pick up the girls as well. With a full car, we were off to get milkshakes and make our way to the doctor.

It did not take long to confirm the diagnosis. Within an hour he was choking back some penicillin and on his way back to reality.

It is a good thing that we nipped this in the bud pretty quickly. Graham has no ability to tolerate sickness. Although he is rarely under the weather, when it hits, he is barely able to cope. Yes, I am quite certain that the boy's life has flashed before his very own eyes. While I am certain that he doubts he will survive this we believe we have him well on the road to recovery.

Purpose is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are gonna get.

A weekend of nothingness

2011-05-17T05:29:00.002-05:00

A new week has arrived. The weekend around the Dungan household went pretty smoothly. Believe it or not, Friday evening found us up at Lynley's work madly stapling and stuffing. Lynley and her team were in the midst of an EMR (electronic medical records) upgrade which took the better part of the weekend. The twerplets and I found our niche stuffing packets full of directions and information for the installers and end users.

The kiddos would impress you here with their skills and commitment. They are all business. They work hard as a well oiled machine and love to help out. I don't know how we have instilled this work ethic in them but they are the first to volunteer to work and they always do a great job. I must admit. They make me very proud.

Saturday was more work, but this time it was around the house. Lynley handled the inside while the kids and I washed cars outside. The good news was that we did a spectacular job on the cars. The bad news was that Sydney got a horrible sunburn. Who would have thought a cool Saturday morning would have brought a sunburn? Obviously, not I. I guess I learned my lesson. Please don't call CPS. Forthwith I promise to keep her slathered in SPF 1,000,000.

For lunch the kiddos and I picnicked at the park.

Sunday was a lazy day for half the clan. Unfortunately, Lynley found herself at the office in the control center overseeing the EMR migration. I was left at home with the kiddos. We did nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV. How typical is that? I am quite sure that if Lynley had been home we would have had structured activity with some kind of learning objective. Or, at the very least, we would have had a family project that certainly would have brought us all closer together.

Nope. Not with Dad. No, you leave me in charge and you get a bunch of lazy wastoids sitting in front of a television. Typical Dad stuff, isn't it? I would like to tell you that we had gotten a bunch of chores done or had a momentous occasion of family bonding but about all of the bonding that occurred happened between our hineys and the couch.

Right before Lynley got home we messed up the house a bit to make it look like we had actually moved from the couches since. We even finally decided to get dressed. By the time she dawned the door we were all out of breath. That had the added benefit of making her think that we were cleaning up after a busy morning. She was none the wiser.

Let's go ahead and keep the truth between you and I and the Internet.

Sometimes purpose just needs a relaxing break.

Too much slack in the rope?

2011-05-12T05:53:00.000-05:00

Good morning! Well, two days ago I left you in the lurch. Hanging over all of our heads was a mysteriously broken foot and I am sure the suspense had you as covered in hives as Graham.

First, Graham. Well, the boy is hivey. We don't know why. He just is. It all started on Monday evening. Since then he has been on a routine of benedryl at night and Zyrtec during the day. The has kept his condition under relative control. When it comes to allergies, Graham has always been our itchy star. If you look back over the years you will find that this time of year has brought him a bevy of conditions. Whether asthma like symptoms or something like this, he has always been our sniffly springtime fixture.

He may look blotchedy and with the exception of some itchiness, the good news is that he seems to be just fine.

Ah, the broken foot. Sydney is our culprit here. Would it surprise you that it had to do with Tae Kwon Do? Yes, it was a violent Tae Kwon Do injury. But, before you start chastising me for having that sweet little girl in such a violent sport or telling all of your friends to keep their kids out of martial arts, just dial it back a bit. First, it turns out her foot is not broken. It is swollen. There is a big nasty bruise and I am quite sure that it hurts quite a bit. I feel sorry for her for that - I do.

But, that is where my soft, supportive Daddy feelings end. The only reason the hipster doofus got injured was because she was not wearing her pads - as she was (and always has been) required to. You see, for some reason, Sydney decided that it was not cool to wear her instep pads. Be them not cool, not comfortable, or whatever her rationale was this time, the pads were forgone.

Smack.

In the process, she learned why she should wear them.

You ask me, lesson learned.

I know that sounds harsh. And, if I am being honest, I do feel a bit guilty. I mean, I don't want her to be hurt and her safety is ultimately my responsibility. But, at some point, she just has to do what she is told. At the age of 9 (almost 10) it seems she should know that she should be wearing her pads when sparring - especially if she has been told to do so. Am I still supposed to be giving her a full body check every time she steps on the mat? At what point am I doing her a disservice by coddling her too much. At some point she has to learn.

This reminds me of a famous Bill Cosby skit where he is describing his kiddos bathroom routine and the fact that he didn't only have to remind them to take a shower but that he also had to remind them to actually turn on the water once they were there. Then, as if that was not enough, if you have any hopes of them being clean it was also necessary to remind them to use soap.

It seems it is the same thing with pads if you have any hope of keeping your kids from being injured. Sydney did you remember to put on your gear? Did you put on your arm guards? What about your shin guards? Do you have your chest gear? Is it on? What about your helmet? Your mouthpiece? Is it in your mouth? Ah, what about your instep pads?

At what point do you stop? At what point do you stop coddling them so that they learn?

Purpose isn't always about protecting them at some point it has also got to be about giving them some rope to learn about reality.

A killer combination - a wedding, a broken foot, and hives

2011-05-10T05:54:00.004-05:00

Good morning! If you are mad that I have not been writing, well, you have every right to be. However, it has been one hectic roller coaster ride. In the last week we have been to Huntsville, AL and back, had one of the kiddos covered in hives, and darn near broke another's foot in half. Yep, this is the stuff that you should be hearing about live in the blog, not first hand and a day late from actual people.

First, the wedding. Oops, I forgot to mention the fact that we were in Huntsville for Lynley's brother, Jay, and his marriage to Christina, or Stina, as she is known to Ainsley. The twerplets were somewhat of a wedding combo pack - two flower girls and a ring bearer in a box. Although packaged together I don't want to give you the impression that this is some kind of low quality bundle. This is a first class marriage package. This trio was nothing short of spectacular and left everyone in amazement by their professionalism and excellent behaviour. They were perfect. I can't tell you how many people came up and introduced themselves just to congratulate us on our magnificent kids and their impeccable behavior. I tried to explain that anything could be accomplished with a lion tamers whip but no one took me seriously.

The fact remains that my kiddos were truly something to be proud of. Here is a little taste:

We are also happy to report that the marriage appears to still be going strong, making it through the first 2 days of the honeymoon with nary an incident. Yep, at that point in our marriage Lynley was already having some significant second thoughts. Thank goodness I called "no take backs" after she said I do. I was also smart enough to honeymoon in a foreign country where she had no easy get away. By the time the honeymoon was over, I already had her brainwashed. Remember boys, it only takes 21 days to instill a habit - good or bad.

Yep, given the fact that we have made it 14 years, I hold out high hopes for them.

Wow, a full page of writing and I am still yet to cover the other two crises. Well, I guess that will just have to wait. It gives us both a reason to come back tomorrow.

Purpose is non stop.

Putting my purpose where my mouth is

2011-05-02T05:59:00.003-05:00

I would like to say that the rationale behind only writing in my blog one day last week was a tribute to our 14 years of marriage. Yeah, lets just go with that.

I love you honey.

Other factors that might have played a part in that were the fact that it was, yet, another incredibly busy week and I, for some reason, developed a week long pattern of not being able to sleep at night and getting up too late in the morning. While I can clearly see that we will not be any less busy over the next couple of days I am happy to say that my sleeping situation has greatly improved. With that I know I can be more prolific.

A highlight from last week was belt testing for Graham and Sydney. They successfully tested and received their red striped belts. This is the 8th belt in their journey towards black belt. They are getting closer and closer and last week's testing was truly a testament to their readiness. It is like watching art in motion. They have come so far and their hard work has put them in a category of their own. It was clear from anyone watching that they have something special.

You know, at just this very moment, I have decided that I do not give enough credit to my kiddos. We are so consumed with buzyness we haven't given them adequate praise for how great they have been lately. I keep getting caught up in the minutia. I am spending too much time making sure they do everything right and not spending nearly enough time appreciating how great they truly are. I spend far more time looking for their shoes and chastising them for misplacing their belts than I do in appreciating the great things that they do on a daily basis.

That is not right.

I need to change that.

In fact, this week I am going to dedicate to ensuring that my kids know how incredibly proud I am of them. It is one thing to tell your kiddos that they are doing great but it is quite another to show it with action.- to show them how much I appreciate their hard work and how proud I am of them for it. This week I will get that through to my kiddos. They deserve it. I will also make sure that I make this a habit going forward.

Minutia and nonsense always gets in the way. There is always more work to be done, more chores to finish, and more projects to get under way. It is because of all of that nonsense that we become out of touch with what are number one job truly is. I need to bring the focus back to my kiddos. I need to show them that they are as high a priority as I say they are.

This week I will be putting my purpose where my mouth is.

The secret to 14 years of marriage

2011-04-27T06:13:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary. For those of you that are concerned that I may have forgotten the milestone, RELAX! After Lynley's little birthday surprise, she has me wrapped around her little finger. There is no way I would forget to be the dutiful husband. Plus, the Jag is in her name which means I have to be on my best behavior.

She's not stupid.

On the other hand, you have to be wondering. How did Mark land such a fox? (Yeah, I know. I have been wondering the same thing.) And, on top of that, one has to wonder how did he keep her for 14 years (21 since we started dating).

I mean, come on. It is the white elephant in the room. Let's get that out there.

While I would like to tell you that it is my mad "Don Juan" skills, it isn't. Although, I have come up with a few proven secrets to a happy and long marriage. Here are a few nuggets that have clearly worked for me that you may want to stick in your back pocket.

1. First, and foremost, for me to get a girl like Lynley and keep her it has taken one main ingredient - wine, lots and lots of it. It is best to keep wives a little lit. This way they don't notice all of the stupid stuff we do. This has been one of my most important secret marriage weapons. Think of it as a happy marriage lubricant. Trust me, if you want a long and happy marriage, don't skimp here. Buy it by the box.

2. Secondly, have 3 or 4 kids within a year or two of one another early on in the marriage. This step can't not be heeded too closely and it is another one of my best nuggets. Trust me, if you play your cards right, as I have, she will never leave you for fear of being taken over by the gaggle of kiddos. This is like buying a 20 year marriage insurance policy. She will keep you around just for the moral support. Yes, early (in the marriage) and frequent pregnancies are also an important ingredient to a happy and long marriage.

Note: please do not mix step 1 with step 2.

3. This is the tough one. Rule 3 is to always do exactly what she says or do always do things in her best interest. I know, I know. It sounds hard but, trust me, this works. If you want your marriage to truly work you have to realize that you will never, ever be right. If you acknowledge this fact early on and just do what they say, you will be batting .400. The good news is that there is also an important caveat to this rule. You can still do most things that you want to do. You just have to make sure that you are doing it for their benefit. For example, if I want to go play golf, all I have to do is tell her that I am going to give her some alone time. As long as I never mention golf, I am in good shape. It works every time. I am happy. She is happy.

See, there you go, 3 simple rules to a long and happy marriage. And, here, you probably thought it was going to be difficult.

Oh, and I should probably mention that this is another one of those things that you should probably not mention to Lynley. These "happy marriage" rules seem to work best when your spouse is unaware that you are following them. So, once again, let's not tell her about this.

Yes, that means you.

Oh, and also, I should probably point out that it doesn't hurt that I really, really love her.
She is, after all, my purpose.

The benefits of a bruising?

2011-04-21T06:04:00.004-05:00

Good morning! Long time no write... Well, I will be making a concerted effort to do better from now on. The fact of the matter is that life is just moving too fast. The kiddos are all doing well. The big highlight for them this week is the fact that, on Monday and Wednesday, Master Adrian picked them up from school and delivered them directly to the Tae Kwon Do studio. This little change in the schedule helps us all out. While I am not sure how Master Adrian feels about the new arrangement, it sure seems to be making everyone else happy.

Happy kiddos, happy wife, happy Mark. It is the straight line version of the circle of happiness.

I am also happy to announce that Sydney's mysterious chest ailment has disappeared. In fact, it has gone without mention for 6 days now. Well, as soon as I say that, I am quite sure that I will hear about it first thing this morning. But still, I am glad that I have not heard anything about it in a week. I don't so much mind the stuffy noses and sore throats. It is the strange ailments and the unexplainable pains that still have the tendency to bring me to my knees.

One ongoing challenge with Didders (Sydney) is the bruising. Relax. It isn't from low platelets counts. Nope, this time it is from abuse. Not ours, mind you. It is the Tae Kwon Do kind. After 2 weekends of sparring with kids from other schools she has just been wailed on. Mostly it has been caused by sparring boys with little control or accuracy. Go figure? They have absolutely torn up her thighs and buttocks - places they shouldn't technically be kicking. This seems to happen when fighting boys that don't technically have the skills to beat her in the match but are afraid of losing to a girl so they just madly kick as hard as they can.

It is unfortunate. Not only do I feel horribly for Sydney because I know it hurts her physically but it also has the negative effect of hurting her mentally. It is occasions like these that make her dislike Tae Kwon Do. It is temporary but it really effects her attitude. She will get better and she will begin to love Tae Kwon Do again but, for right now, it is a challenge to keep her motivated.

They are just like bruises but they are mental and they take awhile to go away.

It tears me up to see her beaten up bruised little body, especially when it is a choice. I still maintain though, that for Sydney, Tae Kwon Do's benefits far outweigh the challenges. It really has done a superb job of building her confidence. It has also given her the inner strength to push on when things get tough. I think she is beginning to realize and believe that she can do anything she sets her mind to.

She is beginning to believe in her purpose and that is my purpose.

Just socks and underwear

2011-04-18T06:04:00.004-05:00

Well, I am guessing there are a bunch of people eager to see exactly what I would have to say about my birthday gift - considering half of the state of Texas was in on the gig. Yes, it seems everyone was pretty excited about Lynley's big surprise. Honestly, I don't know why everyone was so excited about 4 pairs of socks and a 3 pack of boxers.

Unless, of course, you were excited about seeing how I would react to the Jaguar XJ they were sitting on.

Well, let me put this into perspective for you. When I was a little boy my Dad restored an old Jaguar as a hobby. Many people did not know this but my Dad was blind in one eye. Because of this, he could not do much of the electrical work under the dash simply because he could not get into position to see what needed to be done. This is were I came in. As a little boy, I could get in to those tight places and I could see much of the wiring that was blocked from his view. And so began my love affair. It was this time with my Dad and this opportunity that created a love and a passion for Jaguars throughout my life.

For the last 25 years there have always been excuses not to get one. First, the ones I could afford always needed a tremendous amount of work. Second, a new one was always well out of the price range that I could justify spending on a car. Third, there was always a more sensible car for me to drive. No, a Jaguar was relegated to be one of those dreams that would always remain just out of reach - that was until Lynley surprised me with this one.

Now, you may be thinking that the reality of capturing a dream is never as good it seems. Yes, it seems that realities never live up to the expectations that we have built up in our minds.

This is the exception.

It is incredible. It is so much more that I ever thought it could be. It is perfect. It is glass black with a charcoal interior. It has heated and cooled seats and it is every bit as luxurious as you would expect from Jaguar. On top of that, it is over 400 hp sitting on an aluminum frame. It is a monster with the nimbleness of a cat.

It is a Jaguar. It is mine!

As I told Lynley, other than people, it is my absolute favorite thing. I love it.

I feel like Batman.

And now I have my very own "purposemobile."

Snot - the best birthday present ever.

2011-04-14T05:57:00.004-05:00

So, all joking aside. There has been some seriousness this week. While I think we have come along way in our mental battle with neuroblastoma, it is clear that there are some things that will stay with us forever. It seems like no matter what the ailment, even 7 years later, the first thing that comes to mind with Sydney is the fear that it could be the cancer coming back. This week has been no exception.

Syd's health turned for the worse on Monday. This was not all too surprising. It is allergy time for most at the Dungan household. So, runny noses, soar throats, and asthma related symptoms are frequent occurrences for everyone. Considering the fact that Sydney stayed up to nearly midnight at a birthday party on Saturday night, it was no surprise that she was a little run down. Combined with the allergies it a logical fit for her to be under the weather.

Rationally, it all makes sense.

However, it still does not take long for our (Lynley and I) brains to begin playing tricks on us. The fear comes and quickly you can turn what seems like a normal case of allergies into cancer.

It should not come as a surprise that I did not sleep well last night. What if this? What if that? What should we do? The mental debate raged on in my brain throughout the night.

The fact is that Sydney presented with some fairly standard stuff - a sore throat. There is no fever and her energy level seems high (unless she is trying to get out of doing something) Honestly, I can still make her lose her voice almost entirely simply by asking her to clean up the dishes after a meal.

However, as the days (3) have gone by, the "standardness" of her symptoms has worn off and I can't make sense of it. Clearly there is a recurring process going on in her body. It is almost like snot reflux. She will be fine for awhile(15 minutes). Then her voice will gradually become more and more hoarse. She refuses to clear her throat or cough because it hurts her chest. Eventually she looses the mental battle and must cough which, while it hurts, clears her throat and brings her back to normal. Over the next 15 minutes the whole process begins over again. She describes the pain as being in her esophagus and chest. She also says it seems as though something is stuck in there.

Of course, after her last set of scans where we found the mystery lesion on her breast plate the first thing I envision is a tumor growing there and putting pressure on her esophagus with lesions metastasized to her lungs.

Certainly that would explain it all.

It is amazing what the mind can come up with.

See how mental I am?

Regardless, I am hoping for a much improved day for her and all I really want for my birthday is for my baby girl to be better.

How I yearn for this to be just be a simple case of the snots. What a perfect birthday present that would be.

I just want my snotty purpose

Good behavior

2011-04-13T06:08:00.002-05:00

Midweek has arrived. As expected, my behavior has been exemplary in my last ditch effort to receive something other than socks and underwear for my birthday. I have tried to lay some hints with the kiddos but, sadly, I can tell that they are already scoping out my needs from my closet.

The good news is that if I stay on her good side, Sydney could go all out. The problem with her of course is that she saves money about like a river holds water. Yep with her, I am afraid I am relegated to the coolest thing at the dollar store.

Graham, however, is Mr. money bags. The short term problem for me is that he is the saver. For better or worse, he is tighter than his Dad. Unless I am wanting some legos or a new game for the Wii I don't see him breaking the bank. The good side of all of that saving is that when I grow old (or slightly older) he will be able to afford me in the manner in which Lynley has become accustomed.

Ainsley would likely give me anything I wanted. However, I happen to know she is flat broke. She has busted her bank looking for that next sugar rush. She is a candy junky that has resorted to stealing from my change drawer to support her habit.

It is actually pretty funny. We live close enough to the park that the ice cream truck will make a pass up our street a couple times a week. I am as familiar with the sound of the music from the ice cream truck as I am of what follows - the pitter patter of her little feet running upstairs followed by the clinkety clank of her little fingers fishing for quarters out of my change dish. She will then rush downstairs to tell me that she is going to buy ice cream. For fun, I tell her that I have no money on me and, with a big grin, she always assures me that she can afford it and has the cash. Now that I think about it, She operates under the Lynley theory of ownership. I learned long ago that what was hers is hers and what was mine is hers. It seems my youngest is no different. I am just happy that, in this point in her career, we are still only dealing with petty larceny.

I would say something about Lynley but I am much smarter than that. After someone let lose my comment from Monday's entry about not getting any for a month it turns out I won't be getting any for a month. I now have to assume that what I write here isn't as private as I thought. It turns out that all of the after school specials and public service announcements about not putting anything on the Internet that you wouldn't say or do in person does have at least month long consequences.

So, I would just like to take this opportunity to let everyone know how beautiful and sweet and smart my wife is.

By the way, if you are the leak, it would be helpful if you pointed that last statement out to her before Friday.

Purpose awaits...

Poor little old me

2011-04-11T06:05:00.003-05:00

For some reason the weekend before my birthday was deemed a 2 day slave labor camp. Lynley worked my butt(ocks) to the bone and she took absolute joy in doing so. In fact, she wore a smirk all weekend. The kiddos, the little twerps, weren't of any help either. I take back everything I said about them on Friday. Clearly I was wrong. Awesomelets... More like the Not Awesomelets - the not helping Dadlets, or rather, the taking Mom's sidelets. Not one of my progeny even lifted a finger to help dear old Dad.

I will remember.

On my super cool birthday, I am not going to let any of them have ice cream cake.

Hmmmmph!

On Saturday Sydney was attitudinal to say the least. She had spent the previous evening at an all girl sleepover and apparently didn't fall asleep until midnight. That lack of beauty rest turned her into a 5 star shrew (and I mean that in the most daddy nurturing way possible.) She yelled at everyone. Well, everyone except for Lynley and I whom she has learned not to yell at. But to her brother, sister and most inanimate objects around the house she was a real witch. Thankfully and afternoon in her room and a night of rest brought our princess back. However, our princess was still of no help to her poor old over worked Dad.

Sunday was Graham's day and boy did he do it first class. Unfortunately, I do not mean that in a good kid way. We have had a lot of success with Graham after reading a few books and working through some of his confidence issues. He has had weeks of solid growth - and, yes, the state championship did not hurt. But yesterday, whoa yesterday, was 10 steps backward. He must have threatened to run away 10 times and his ability to cope melted away at even the slightest move away from what he wanted. Clearly he was yearning for attention but was just in too foul of a mood to receive any of it. It was not a good Graham Day. And it is important to note that he was not of any particular help to his poor old dad either.

Ainsley, as expected, kept a pretty even keel. She was happy, fun, and, as always, ready for more. She had no problem helping Daddy but her help came more in the form of "Before we start will you make me a drink?" or "Now that we have started can you make me a snack" or " Daddy, you missed a spot?" Sure, she was fun and cheery but I quickly came to realize that with her help everything took 4 times as long to complete. With my blushing bride's cracks of the whip just over my head, that simply was not going to get the job done. While I enjoyed her company, she too was of absolutely no help. It was easier to send her on her merry way.

Now I don't want to paint the love of my life as being a brutal dictator. Lynley was nice but she did it in that southern sort of way. She would ask me to take a break from the hard work but she would do it in that way that also said "if you so much as stop for a second you are not getting any for a month." Oops, you probably should not tell her that I said that publicly in my blog. Regardless, I caught the drift.

And so, poor me, right? Not that anyone else around here would appreciate it but poor old little daddy.

Do you think they will feel sorry enough for me to get me a real cool gift?

Nope, probably still relegated to socks and ties. But you can't blame me for trying.

It is a sneaky stab at purpose.

The Awesomelets

2011-04-08T05:50:00.003-05:00

There are several people that read my blog that know me personally. However, judging by the email there is large portion that do not know me in person. Anybody that has met me face-to-face and has spoken with me knows that I have a complete inability to show any sign of decorum when it comes to my kiddos. You should know. I am a braggart. It is true. I am twerplet show-off gasbag.

It occurs to me though that I rarely do it in my blog. So, it fine Mark-onian fashion it only makes sense that I rectify that situation.

So, without further ado...

My kids are completely awesome. And, I don't mean a little awesome. They are downright righteous. Lets begin.

First, all of the Dunganlets are straight A students. Some of them have take longer than others to come out of their academic shell but they are all hitting their marks. Sydney has taken this year by storm impressing us each step of the way. Every year she has continues to improve and, frankly, has surpassed my expectations. Graham has done well too. Although, I would be lying if I did not say that I truly believe he is yet to blossom. He does well in school but we keep seeing these flashes of exceptional with him. At times it is almost like he is an idiot savant, sans the idiot part. I am shocked by him daily. Mark my words, he will do something truly amazing for mankind one day.

Ainsley is perhaps the biggest shocker. Don't let Graham or Sydney know but, to date, she is the smartest. She consistently seems leaps and bounds ahead of where her brother and sister when they were her age. That reality is bore out in the classroom. She has consistently hit her marks earlier and faster. It comes quickly to her and with little effort. It would not surprise me if she was always the smartest. The question is whether she will use her powers for good or evil. Knowing her, I am guessing that in her teenage years even a Mensa lock on the liquor cabinet will not be enough.

My kiddos awesomeness does not stop there. They are awesome athletes as well. But, if you have read my diary you already knew that. I am not going to waste your time here again telling you another story of their physical preeminence. We all know they got skills. Where they got them is the quandary.

All of that is well and good, and, if you meet me in public, you will no doubtedly hear me tell you how proud I am of their performances in school or in Tae kwon do. But, if I am being honest, that is not what make me proudest. What gives me the most gratification is the fact that they are good people. They are kind and compassionate. They genuinely care for others and often put others needs ahead of their own. There is no school for teaching that. Unlike school and Tae Kwon Do, their are no grades or medals. It is an achievement whose reward is a full and happy heart. This reward is worn on the inside instead of the outside.

It is for this reason that I am most proud.

I don't know how it happened but I either got really lucky or I did really, really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Lynley probably had something to do with it to.

But still, she did it despite me.

How did I get so lucky to have such incredible purpose.

Full of purpose, drained of energy

2011-04-04T05:32:00.003-05:00

Wow, what a weekend! As I mentioned late last weekend, the Dungan household was split on Saturday. A little before 4:00 AM Lynley scooped Graham out of bed and headed for San Antonio for another Tae Kwon Do tournament. I on the other hand stayed local. I had the girls and our job was to be at the Neuroblastoma Walk.

Yes, it was a busy start. Graham ended up taking a silver medal in the tournament. Of course, you have to know that had I been there he most certainly would have made gold. Yep, I got that kind of pull. You see, it takes a very careful balance of gentle encouragement and aggressive incentivize-ation to truly get results. If you don't handle it just right you can get mixed results. This is exactly what happened. Oh sure, Lynley did a great job of supporting Graham with those things form the stands. However, what she totally forgot to do was to do was how to manage Master Adrian. I did not hear about any encouragement there - no coffee from starbucks, no muffin from cinnabon. What was she thinking? If you want to win you have to suck up to the coach. In fact, I doubt Lynley yelled on Master Adrian's behalf even once. While I am sure it was much more pleasant for Master Adrian not having to deal with me in the stands, it clearly did not get the results we were looking for in the gold medal match. Usually the coaches pull out all of the stops just to shut me up . Without my annoyance they clearly weren't incentivized enough. That should teach us all a lesson. Clearly, they need me.

Yep, Master Adrian just loves me.

In reality and much to my chagrin, the reason Graham lost had nothing to do with my lack of presence. From what I gathered there were a few different issues. First, the boy that won the gold medal was pretty aggressive. He kept pushing Graham and that got into his psyche. Graham couldn't figure out why they weren't calling a pushing "foul" on the other kid and it ultimately flustered him. There were also some issues with missed kicks to the head, etc. Graham thought it was unfair and concentrated on that instead of finishing the match. It wasn't just Graham's match. From what I understand, there were many problems and complaints throughout the day with the referees. Our school was so disappointed in the quality of the tournament management and the officiating that we may no longer be participating in AAU events. Regardless, Graham may have been hampered by these elements but ultimately it was his problem. He lost the match mentally. He let those other factors impact his performance and that is totally a Daddy issue. That is what I need to work with him on. Unfortunately, the reality is that life isn't always fair and it never will be. What matters is what we do with what we have been given - that we make the best of a given situation. We have to teach him that reality. It is a good opportunity for twerp training.

On another note, the girls and I made it to the Walk which raised over $110,000.00 (est.) for neuroblastoma research. The turnout was incredible with some people having to park almost a quarter of a mile away just to participate. I think we may have outgrown the venue. It was an incredible day and a tremendous amount of fun. Now comes the best part. I can't wait to see what the neuroblastoma team at Cook's does with it.

Now, if all of this seemed like enough for the weekend you were way off. Saturday afternoon we had Jillian spend the night. That left me with 3 girls for the remainder of the day. As a surprise for Lynley, I also purchased and laid some new sod in the back yard. Sunday morning we went to the zoo. Sunday afternoon Graham and I spent ice skating at a birthday party in Arlington. Friday evening I walked a gas grill five blocks to my mother's house. Don't ask! This was, of course, on top of our usual honey dos, laundry and cleaning of the house. Yep, another typical weekend at the Dungan household.

And believe it or not, the kids were still bored at times.

Thank goodness I have a lot of purpose because I don't have much energy left.

Purpose per square inch

2011-03-31T06:18:00.003-05:00

As with most weeks, this one seems to have flown by. It is already Thursday and I feel like I just finished my Monday morning coffee. Surprisingly, this has been a relatively light week. We took Monday off of Tae Kwon Do to enjoy a small rest after monthss of hard work. Tuesday was light too. In fact, last night was the only night that we had any after school activities. No, I think the fast paced-ness has just been because we have found ourselves playing catch up. It is the week between 2 traveling weekends and we are just trying to stay afloat with laundry, house cleaning and honey dos.

Last weekend was all about celebrating the State Championship in Grapevine. This weekend has Lynley and Graham traveling to San Antonio for yet another AAU National Qualifier in Tae Kwon Do. It has the girls and I participating in the Neuroblastoma Walk for a Cure.

As many of you know, my mother fractured her arm a month or two ago. For this reason, she has worn a sling. Yesterday Ainsley came home with a make shift sling for DeeDee that had been signed by all of the kiddos in her class. As far as I can tell she did this of her own volition. It was perhaps one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. What is even more surprising is the fact that this gesture came out of Ainsley. I know, that sounds horrible. It isn't to say that Ainsley isn't incredible in her own right. She has just never been the one known for conscientiousness. That just isn't her style. She is brilliant (and I mean brilliant), adorable, and funny as h e double hockey sticks. She is tremendous. Just, given her age and her track record, I never expected this. I was blown away. Apparently, somehow we are doing something right. Of all of her impressive accomplishments though, I have to admit that it is this one that perhaps makes me the most proud.

Who would have thunk it?

She is the small sneaky one and she apparently has more purpose per square inch than most.

Champions!

2011-03-28T06:20:00.004-05:00

It should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that knows me (and my physical prowess) that my son won the gold medal in sparring at the Texas State Tae Kwon Do Championships. Yes, Dudely, my own blood, my direct descendant, the boy who was bred of my very own loins is the state champion in Tae Kwon Do.

For those of you now doubting that he is, in fact, my son I have scheduled a blood test for later this afternoon.

My boy!

Arghhhhhhhhhh!

I would also like to point out that Sydney gloriously won a silver medal in sparring. Yep, she finished the second best in the state of Texas. On top of that you should also know that our little 9 year old cancer survivor fought at the very bottom of the 10 - 11 year old division and still managed to eek out a second place finish. How about them apples?

Arghhhhhhhhhh, again!

How impressive is that? I know, right? I know you are thinking it? How in the heck does Mark "the wuss" Dungan have children that become state champions in Tae Kwon Do? How can that be even remotely possible?

Well, let me let you in on a little secret.

I have absolutely no freakin' clue.

But, (and this is the really important part) don't let my kiddos know. For some reason, they seem to think that they got their physical prowess from me. Yep, they seem to think that it is my genetics that has paved their path to glory.

But now, here is the rub. You can't let them know that it can't possibly be me that gave them their greatness. And, frankly now that they are officially state champions, I really don't want them to know that they could take their dear old dad down. I need to keep them in the dark about that for a few more years. I need to keep the fear alive in them.

Super Dad is kind of likely Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. We just need to keep the dream alive for a few more years.

Yep, I am a proud Papa. But frankly, I have always known that they could accomplish anything they set their mind too.

The purpose is strong in them.

Texas State Tae Kwon Do Championships.

2011-03-25T06:20:00.003-05:00

As the kiddos Spring Break draws to a close, a big day looms on the horizon. Tomorrow, the Texas State Tae Kwon Do Championships take place in Grapevine. We have been lucky to have the state championships in North Texas 2 years in a row so our travel time to the venue will be just 45 minutes. That is a good thing considering the fact that we will be traveling up there tonight for weigh in and then back again tomorrow for forms competition and sparring.

This is the second major tournament of the year and a big one for Graham and Sydney. This year both will have stiffer competition. Graham is at the top of his age group but will be fighting some tough competitors - one of which is on our own team. The boys are pretty evenly matched so it ought to be very interesting. Generally, he and the other boy trade back and forth gold medals. I am hopeful that Graham places but we have to remember that this is a tournament with the top competitors in the state of Texas and medals only going to the top 3 in any age group so it won't be easy. He has the skills to take Gold and has done so before but he will really have to bring his "A" game to win at this level.

Sydney's competition is a bit more fierce and she could not be at a lower level in her age group. She has a large group of competitors and they will all be older than her. She will have to fight faster and smarter than everyone she faces. The good news is that Sydney always brings her "A" game. With a little luck and some good draws she could place. In fact, if her mind is in the right place, it would not surprise me to see her shock everyone by bringing home the gold. She can do it. Her biggest challenge will be herself. She will have to get past the fears and mental challenges of fighting girls that are going to be bigger than she is.

As for us, well, we will be the nervous parents sitting and waiting in the stands. It will be a long day. Graham is due there at 8:30 in the morning and we are not expected to finish their sparring matches until about 3:00 PM in the afternoon. As always, Lynley will be tweeting the results live.

Wish them luck and, if you have a chance, send them a prayer for their safety.

Tomorrow will be a nervous day for our purpii.

The Pauper Five

2011-03-23T05:53:00.003-05:00

All of the Dungan's have safely arrived home. We are still driving the same car. We live in the same house. We are still scraping every dime together that we possibly can to keep the kiddos in private school. And, NO, we didn't strike it rich in the in the diamond mines of Arkansas. If I am being brutally honest, though, I blame my children. I have discovered yet another reason why we are not rich. After poisoning their minds with the hopes and dreams of becoming diamond millionaires for weeks, the effect only lasted through about 10 minutes of digging. After that they became enamored with playing in the mud and complaining about the boredom. Gone were the hopes and dreams of striking it rich. I think the girls rationalized that getting diamonds was what boyfriends and daddies were for. Graham actually hung in their with me the longest. I think he was trying to find out away to afford a little brother. Regardless, after an hour of digging around, he too eventually met his match.

In the end, diamond mining is one of those nice things to check off the list of life experiences but I don't know that I will be going back.

That was not the only thing the Dungan's couldn't quite do. It appears that we also could not make a living at catching fish. I am pretty sure that we could not survive if it was dependent upon our fish catching skills. No, if it came right down to it, we would probably have to live off of the bait. None the less, we had a pretty good time. Although, the kids have only caught a single fish in their lifetime they still seem to love it.

Late Sunday afternoon I made my way back to Fort Worth for work while Lynley and the kiddos stayed for an extra day or two. They made a trip to Hot Springs to learn what that was all about but the kiddos seemed most impressed with the indoor pool at the Holiday Inn. Apparently in their minds artificial heat and chlorine beat the wonder of a genuine hot spring. None the less, they had fun playing tourist.

I am just glad that they are back home and safe. I honestly did not know what to do with out them. I wondered briefly on Monday night whether I should still show up to their Tae Kwon Do practice even though they were still in Arkansas. In the end, I chose to stay home. Lynley is quite sure that Master Adrian was thankful for the break. And, yes, she didn't mean a break from the kids.

Well I had best get back to it. The grind awaits.

I am just happy my purpose is back together.

Countdown to Spring Break

2011-03-17T06:04:00.003-05:00

As usual, just because I have not been writing everyday does not mean that the Dungan lifestyle has not been as chaotic as ever. Unlike most of the schools in the area SCS is not celebrating spring break this week. This week has been our normal fast paced craziness. Our kiddos have to wait until next week and, trust me, it has been a topic of conversation. They can not wait for spring break to come. They are counting down the minutes

You see, they are getting to go on a diamond mining adventure over spring break. Visions of untold riches have been floating around in their heads for the last few weeks and it has been nearly all they can think about. In fact, they are already spending their money in their heads. Ainsley even offered to buy me a new Sudburban. I guess that is a sign that my car is getting pretty old. But, I hold fast. I always said I loved the car so much that I was going to drive it into the ground. And I will - no matter how long it takes me. Plus, I have 3 kiddos in private school. I can't exactly afford to peel off $30 grand in cash for a new car right now and I am one of those annoying people that refuses to go into debt for a depreciating asset. So, until otherwise stated, I am perfectly happy with my car. The kiddos can keep their fortunes. Although... the pool does need resurfacing and the roof is about in need of replacing... I rpobably would not be too proud to accept their donations for those items.

Regardless, the point is that the kiddos get to go diamond mining. What could be better in the mind of a 5, 7 or 9 year old. While in Arkansas we will also spend some time in a cabin on a lake. The kiddos are also really looking forward to some time fishing, boating, and hiking through the woods.

All in all, it should be exactly what this family needs. That is, of course, assuming they sell beer and wine close by. Something tells me that with this crew, Lynley, and I may need some liquid relaxation after chasing the kiddos around all day.

Bottom-line, we are all looking forward to a nice relaxing vacation. It will be a nice excursion from the chaotic normalcy that is our lives.

It will be a nice dose of hopefully relaxing family purpose.

Journey of Self Deprication

2011-03-15T05:13:00.003-05:00

Our weekend was very relaxed. We decided to just take it easy and hang out - no parties and no excursions. It was nice and it gave Lynley and I some time to focus on kiddo improvement rather than just going through the motions. As fast as life moves, we often are struggling to just get through most days. Life seems to just happen so it is nice when we feel like we can grasp some control.

Our focus this weekend was on the Grahamers who, for seeming so much like his Dad, is misfiring when it comes to his confidence engine. I know - hugely surprising. With such an overly confident father who would have thought. (I guess maybe that is part of the problem.) Regardless, we noticed it first in his language. He has definitely developed a pattern of negative language. We hear him say things like "I am just not good enough", "I never win", and "I can't do it." On occasion, I think we all feel this way at some time or another but Graham has really developed a longer term habit of this language lately.

It is time to break the cycle.

Lynley began reading books. You know she is the smart one, right? (Yep, I got the looks.) It did not take long to see that we definitely had an issue and we were happy to find some exercises and a path out of the negative patterns. We also found that there were some behaviors of our own that we needed to change. Yes, even my excellent behavior was suspect. After viewing myself through another set of eyes and trying to listen to myself through another set of ears, it became quite clear that my sarcasm and sense of humor could have a negative impact. While appropriate for adults and clearly a magnet for the chicks (Lynley) it became clear that it may not be appropriate for fragile egos. I found myself doing a lot of self deprecating humor which I saw being emulated through Graham. The problem being that I was just trying to be funny. I wasn't saying something I believed. However, when Graham did it, it was clear that he did believe it. His self deprecation is not humor. While the words were similar, out of him it clearly sounds more like a statement of belief.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not blaming myself for his lack of self esteem. There have been many factors that have contributed to the condition. The issue is that in order to help him out of this situation we have to provide him with examples of more productive and healthy thought processes. If he is going to mimic my behavior then we very definitely need him mimicking appropriate behavior.

We all have ways we can improve.

It turns out this has been a very good exercise for the whole family - especially for the girls.

This really seems like something that we can make a difference with I am so glad we have this little issue because I never understood enough about how the brain worked and how these patterns were established. I thought it was just who we were. It is nice to know that we have power to groom this in our our kiddos.

It is yet another example of the power of purpose.

Prepping for the exam

2011-03-11T06:09:00.002-06:00

I am still falling victim to the shock and awe when I look down to the corner of my computer and see, to my surprise, that it is Friday again. Time is going by fast. I want to thank everyone for the messages. Yes, we are okay. I just simply have not had as much time to write in the last few weeks. The fact of the matter is that I have starting working out every morning. Yes, for those following my ritual of self abuse, I am back to the Insanity workouts regimen. Even when I am up at 3:30, by the time I answer the email that I have time to answer, I address some issues at work and I spend 30 to 45 minutes working out it is already time to go upstairs, shower, and get the twerplets ready.

It doesn't leave time for writing.

I know, I know. What does that have to do with you? Why should my change in schedule detract from your moment of enjoyment by peering in and laughing at the nonsensical chaos that is our lives.

Well, here is the deal-io.

I am pushing 40.

Yep you heard it here first. Little Marky is just a month away from turning the big 4 - 0. Oh don't get me wrong. You probably think this working out thing is some mid-life crisis. Here goes Mark trying to hang onto his youth by getting ripped.

Yeah, I wish it was that simple. No, you see, I am old. I think 40 might actually even mark the occasion officially. But, still, age is not the issue.

You remember a little over a year ago when I had that little heart episode? I started working out. I changed my diet. I lost 30 pounds. I did it all to avoid taking high blood pressure medicine for the rest of my life and to reduce my cholesterol. Well, I fell off the wagon, put on 15 pounds, and began slathering my arteries with butter again.

So, I figure 40 is kind of a major milestone in my health and I will be going in for a complete workup, plus what I am sure will be hours of abusive and embarrassing medical fun. So, I am prepping for the test, if you will. How healthy can I become before I turn 40? How many years of abuse can I hide?

The fact of the matter is that I want to be around for my family. I want to be here.

And, in the short term, it means a few less entries in my blog as I prepare to write many more in the future.

My family is my first purpose and I don't want to miss it.

Could kid training be like husband training?

2011-03-08T04:51:00.003-06:00

Well, last weekend was the first relatively quiet weekend in what seemed like a long while. For a change, I was not working from dusk till dawn. Lynley even slowed down a bit which was nice as it reduced the guilt I know I would feel with her spending every waking moment of the weekend doing chores around the house. I know, I know, how compassionate of me.

It is true, though. I feel guilty if I take more than a 15 minute break for lunch on the weekends. In my case, I blame Lynley. She works too hard. And, because she works so hard I feel guilty if I don't. Isn't that weird. I guess through 15 years of marriage she has finally trained me. Darn. I didn't even see it happening.

It is funny though. The kids feel no such guilt. In fact, they throw a fit every time they have to go with us to the grocery store or put their laundry in the hamper. In their minds, a weekend that includes anything but playing on the Wii, building legos, or playing in the yard is a form of child abuse. In their mind, any work is a violation of child labor law. For some reason, they think it is their God given right and they deserve to play every waking moment of the weekend. I just don't understand where they get that.

How did I evolve? How does Lynley keep me from being the fat lazy husband I want to be deep down inside? How did she make me into a grown up?

Perhaps this is a case where I need to be getting her advice.

It seems she knows how to light the fire of purpose.

It can beis annoying when your kids are just like you

2011-03-04T06:08:00.003-06:00

Grahamers still ranks up there as my sweetest and most compassionate kiddo. I am sorry to those of you who thought it would be Sydney. Nope, not even close. For those of you that thought it would be Ainsley, well, your nuts. No, Graham is our puddle of love.

Now that I have said something genuinely nice about the boy, I have to tell you what annoys me to no end about him.

He is mouthy and thinks he is always right.

Furthermore, the thing that is most annoying about these traits is the fact that I happen to know that he got them directly from me. How do you dislike in your kiddos the traits that you know they got most directly from you?

When it is the bad ones, that's how!

It is awful really. Sure, I love the fact the Graham is adorable. I am so proud to own up to the fact that he is athletic, smart, and, of course handsome. I have no problem taking credit for those "clearly" genetic traits.

It is the annoying ones I hate.

The fact remains that Graham thinks he is always right and will argue until he is blue in the face. In fact, he does this with nearly everyone but me. He does it with his mother. He does it with his Tae Kwon Do instructors. God forbid, I hope he does not do it with his teachers but, it would not surprise me.

I know, I know. You are thinking it is a lack of respect. It isn't, or at least it isn't meant that way. (I happen to know because it is my annoying trait remember?) No, he is just passionate because he believes he is correct. The problem is that he is only seeing things from his singular point of view and, given that, he is wrong. The issue is that he hasn't developed an internal voice or the ability to actually think before he opens his mouth.

I failed at acquiring those little skill until I reached college and married my wife who beat them into me.

How do I help Graham? How do I get him to stop it?

How do I get him to stop acting like his father?

It is repugnant purpose.

My two best moves are genetic

2011-03-02T05:37:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I received a phone call from the school nurse around noon.

Two of the twerplets had found their way to the nurses office at the same time - a twerp pair. I don't know how that plays in nurse's office poker but it must be worth something.

Regardless, Sydney was in there because both her stomach and her head hurt. Would this be a good time for me to reflect on how uncomfortable I remain regarding the spot we saw on her last set of scans? Probably not, we all know I don't have the cojones for that.

Furthermore, Sydney wasn't the one that garnered my immediate attention. Give her some Tylenol and send her on her way.

No, surprisingly, it was Graham who had my focus. Word was that he did a face plant into a pole and his gums were bleeding. Thankfully his front 2 teeth were not loose. But, at the very least, his ego was most assuredly bruised.

I had visions of him orchestrating some kind of galactically awesome move. You know, the kind where he was walking all cool while giving a casual look to some hot babe he was passing and then - BAM - right into the pole.

I knew that move.

I invented it.

In the end, I thought it was worth a trip over lunch to check him out and to make sure Humpty Dumpty's fragile ego had been put all back together. When I had arrived, I made a quick stop by the nurses office and then his class room. I had a quick chat with the school nurse (the clear winner in nurse's office poker) and his teacher. There were no surprises. I then went to hunt him down in the lunch room.

I looked and looked for the Dudester. Alas he couldn't be found.

At some point I noticed the kids lining up to go back to their classes. At the front of the line was the body of a little boy in a school uniform with what looked like a black cloth lunchbox zipped up over his head.

Proud moment here...

Yep, that was my son with his lunchbox over his head.

Clearly the issue was not broken tooth or shattered ego.

It was brain damage.

My son...

In all actuality, I wasn't really all that worried about that either. It seems I had probably invented that move as well when I was his age.

In the end, all was okay. Graham and Sydney were both happy to see me in the lunch room. Both had made seemingly full recoveries. And it was also good to see that Sydney's latest bout of "neuroblastoma" was cured with Tylenol. Good thing I had not spent the last two hours with that as my primary concern. Maybe I can breathe a little more deeply.

At least until the next set of symptoms (probably today.)

I guess you could say that yesterday's highlight was a pair of purpii.

Graham's Ninja Birthday

2011-02-28T06:18:00.004-06:00

All things being equal, I don't think Graham's Ninja Birthday could have been any better. It was one of a kind and the only sad person there was the little girl that showed up an hour late. It did not go off without a hitch tho. In fact, it started out somewhat violent with a game of soccer. The boys were busy playing boy style and the girls just weren't too sure about that. Thankfully, Adrian called the party to order and after that it was pretty smooth sailing.

So what do you do at a ninja birthday party? Well, you learn to be a ninja, of course. Just don't ask why a Korean Tae Kwon Do studio is teaching a sacred Japanese art. That really isn't the point. None the less, all of the boys and girls had to learn to hit, jump, and kick to earn their ninjadom. The crowning achievement was where they had to demonstrate their prowess by breaking a board. Graham led them off with a display of his considerable talents. He split a board with a flying 360 round house. Slowly, they made there way around the room as each junior ninja in training broke their board. I think some of the most fun to watch were the little girls. They approached the board with significant trepidation. For many, the fear was palpable from across the room. But, Master Adrian worked with each one of them to make it through their fears. It was the look on the little girls faces when they actually broke the board that made every one's day. I can guarantee that you have never seen such a look of both shock and pride wrapped into one. I heard several of them ask the mothers to stop by Home Depot on the way home to by some more wood to practice. Sydney finished up the round by breaking her board with an ax kick.

Pretty impressive, huh? What you are missing from this picture is the fact that Sydney had a crush on one of the little girl's older brothers that also attended the party. He was both impressed and a little scared.

Good!

The rest of the party was typical fare. Cake, presents, and a thank yous. All in all, it was perhaps the best birthday Graham had every had. I don't know how we will ever top it.

For the meantime, we will just enjoy the memory.
Purpose is also about making memories.

Graham's 7th Birthday

2011-02-25T06:39:00.002-06:00

Dudely has achieved the greatness of being 7 years old today.

Unfortunately, I have got to run. There is Dudely stuff to do.

He is my purpose today.

My side effects from childhood cancer

2011-02-23T05:11:00.003-06:00

Well 8 years into it and I can tell you that the impact of having a child with cancer still forms much of who, what I am, and what I think. I don't know that I will ever return to "normal" and, frankly, I don't know that I ever want to. There is still much good to come from the bad and, while I am not saying that anything is worth Sydney having cancer or a child dying from cancer, there are positives that out way many of the day to day negatives that come with the stigma.

I still maintain that I am a better person, a better husband, and a better father for the experience. I enjoy what I have now so much more than I ever did before. I am more compassionate. I am more thoughtful. I am nicer.

However, like anything else that seems to come with treating cancer, I have side effects. Today it is an annoying parental side effect which is the subject of my entry.

Ever since Sydney was diagnosed, I see cancer. I see it everywhere. No matter what happens it is the first thing that comes to mind. Do you have a headache? Could be cancer. Does your toe hurt? Could be cancer. Did you sneeze? Yep, probably cancer. Laugh at me if you like but it is what it is. I can't help it. Now that I think about it, I wonder if it is a cancer ;) ?

And so, when Sydney starts grabbing the side of her chest and complaining that it is burning inside like she did over the weekend, cancer is the first thing I think about. Of course, you may say that is understandable. But, it does not stop there. Graham had blurry vision at school on Monday and I find myself wondering if it is cancer.

In fact, I have a sore neck going on 3 days in a row.

Could it be cancer?

Yep , I am mental and while I can't say for sure that I would have been this mental without childhood cancer touching my life I am going to be sure to blame it on it anyway.

It is a convenient excuse and it let's me quickly move on to thinking about one of the better side effects of this condition - My Purpii.

She hasn't killed me yet but she came close.

2011-02-21T06:00:00.003-06:00

Happy Monday! Bring on the relaxation...

Yep, welcome to my world.

Actually, last weekend wasn't that bad. Although I did work for about 12 hours on Saturday and another 6 on Sunday(much to Lynley's disapproval) I did get to spend several hours Sunday afternoon on the golf course.

Oh, don't give me that look. I played with some big wigs from Lynley's school. I wanted to stay home and watch the kids but, noooooo, she made me go play golf.

Still don't feel sorry for me? That's allright, I really don't either.

The hard work this weekend certainly fell into Lynley's lap. As you can probably guess, outside of a little laundry I was completely useless to her. She was knee deep in kiddos and, by the end of the weekend, she had that look. You know. That look where your brushing bride of 15 some odd years looks into your loving eyes and says, "The only reason I am not going to kill you is because these are your children and they will need a father when I leave."

Yeah, I was not a very good Daddy or husband this weekend. Better place a check mark in the neglectful husband and father column. The good news is that I can finally see the horizon. This week brings the end of several projects and a chance for me to get back to doing what I love best.

I get to get back to my personal purpose for awhile.

Kids are like candy

2011-02-18T05:58:00.003-06:00

As has become the norm as of late, I get up in the morning, turn on the computer, and look in the bottom right hand corner only to be shocked. Crap, it is Friday already.

Where did the week go?

Normal people would be thinking - "Oh boy, the weekend, time to relax."

Not so for me. You see the 16 hour weekdays that make up the work week are my time to relax. It is the calm period of predictability before I enter the chaos of the weekends where the kiddos seem to rule.

Don't get me wrong. I adore my kiddos. But, did you know that my blood pressure averages about 10 points higher on the weekends.

Really.

Isn't that weird? Here, I work a solid, nose to the grindstone, 40 hour week of consulting with an additional 20 to 40 hours of nonprofit work during my work week. Yet, it is my health that seems to get squeamish during the weekends.

What does that say about the chaos I live in? Jeez, what does that say about my parenting skills?

Ever since I started noticing fluctuations in my blood pressure I started wondering what the cause was? Then, I started paying closer attention to what was going on. Don't tell anyone, but I feel far more pressure at home. At work, I am on my game. I exude confidence. I have absolutely no doubt in my ability to identify a business problem, architect a technology solution, build it, and put it into production. No matter how much money is on the line, I don't even break a sweat. I know I can deliver and I know I can surpass expectations.

No pressure there.

At home though... Wow! Things seem to come so much faster. Wife has a list of things that need fixing. Graham "needs" me to play Wii with him. Ainsley "needs" new batteries in the nuclear candy bomb she is building (speaking of which I will probably need to find out where she is hiding the candy wrappers this week). Sydney wants a hug and help with a homework project. Oh, and I have to get the laundry started and breakfast on the table. After all it is the weekend and we must have eggs, bacon, sausage, english muffins and grapefruit on the table.

That was just the first 2 minutes of the weekend.

Now we have Tae Kwon Do, grocery shopping and 2 birthday parties all before 1 PM. Oops, I just realized we need to get gifts for the birthday parties. Now we need to fit in a trip to Walmart somewhere in there too.

I just don't know how to get it all in. How do you keep them all happy? How do you divide yourself into fifths?

That is the pressure that effects my blood pressure.

I have come to believe kids are like candy. They are really yummy but not very good for your health.

Yet I also know that it is my purpose that puts the pressure on and I wouldn't do anything to change it.

Got Georgia on his mind

2011-02-16T06:02:00.003-06:00

It was not long ago that we got together as a family and watched Disney's "The Sorceror's Apprentice."

Why does that matter, you ask?

Well, it wasn't very long into the movie that Jake Cherry, playing the young Dave Stutler (the Sorceror's Apprentice) passed a note to young Becky (the love interest). Essentially, the note read:

Please check one:
I want to be Dave's

friend or
girlfriend

It was a cute beginning to the movie and the catalyst that lead to young Dave finding out his true identity.

Other than that, I did not think much of it.

Until, yesterday.

My son, the stud, came home. It seems that Graham took his cue from the movie. He had drafted a note much like the one above and it bore a checkmark in the girlfriend box. The Studster had carefully crafted the note and slipped it to a little girl (Georgia) in his class. She checked the girlfriend box and, as of now, Graham, has moved himself from the 'available' column to the 'taken' column on the Love chart.

Now I have no expectation from 6 year old, 1st grade romances but I can tell you that I remember mine vividly. My heart was torn between Rachel Robbins and Ivette Naparstik.

Oh, those were the days.

I hope Graham can look back at it in some 30 some odd years and remember it with as much happiness as it brought me.

For now though, he certainly has Georgia on his mind.

Score one for the Dudester.

I'd like to say Graham has a gift of some of my purpose but, as anyone that knew me at that age knows, he has far surpassed me in the suave department. Go G-Man!

Tell me no?

2011-02-14T06:04:00.003-06:00

Okay, so, Sydney is 9, right?

She is young and impressionable, right?

Then, if she is so darn young and impressionable, why doesn't she just do everything I tell her to. It would really make life much more enjoyable for all parties involved.

Believe it or not. I think Sydney developed the habit of not doing what we tell her after watching Ainsley. Before that, I don't think she ever realized that she could just say "No." We had Sydney brainwashed perfectly. For the most part, she simply did what she was told. On occasion, she might try and hide the fact that she did not do something that she had been asked to but, she would never, ever have considered telling us "No" when asked to do something.

Now, she does.

And, frankly, (to quote Bill Cosby) we brought her in this world and we can take her out.

I am still in the fight but I must admit that I am pulling my hair out over this one.

Telling me no. I'll tell you who can tell me no. You &%*@# (*&^#@ little twerp. Certainly not a 9 year little *&^$@#. Telling me no. I'll tell you no.

I apologize for the rant, but that is the conversation that goes on in my head every time she tries it. I always said I would not become my mother in those situations but I sure can hear that old conversation going on in my head.

Well, regardless, this weekend we took a hard stand against little miss "no." After Tae Kwon Do when I asked her to change into the clothes we had brought for her so that we could go out afterwards she did it. She said no. I politely told her that she could either do it herself or we would be doing it for her. She said no, again. At that point, we cleared the way. Lynley got the top half. I got the bottom half and we changed her into the clothes we had brought.

As you might expect, she did not like it. She threw a fit of gargantuan proportions. She kicked and screamed and, in the end, earned a one way trip to her room for the weekend.

Now, it isn't that I really cared that she changed clothes. In fact, had she given me a reasonable and polite explanation of why she did not want to change, I probably would have let her stay in her uniform. However, since she rudely said "no", this seemed one of those occasions that she lost the option to choose.

She is nine!?!? Have a already lost my daughter to teenagerism?

Did we handle this right? Did we do it wrong?

I have to believe that there is a better way of dealing with this but for the life of me I don't know what it is. I can tell you that, so far in the short term, she has not even considered telling her mother or I "No." After all, that is what we were going for. I just wonder if the effect will last and what we can do the next time to handle it better. Oh, and you are not allowed to tell me to talk to her nicely and get to the root of the issue. I have tried that until the cows come home. While that sometimes works it always just spurs on more and more nos.

Once again, I find myself with a mountain of purpose but no clear path over it.

I hate pharmaceutical companies

2011-02-11T05:46:00.003-06:00

Wow, that is a bold title. But, perhaps, just once, a statement as strong as that might just capture the attention of somebody that can figure out how to make the difference. The irony is that it isn't the pharmaceutical companies. It is the system.

Believe it or not, in the United States of America, potentially life saving drugs for children with cancer disappear everyday. They vanish because there is no profit potential. Drugs that can save lives are shelved because they won't save enough lives for pharmaceutical companies to make a profit. So, the drugs are shelved until they can be sold off or until they can find another use for them. Unfortunately, research based upon those drugs is, for all practical purposes, wasted.

It is a sad and horrible situation and one that we have fallen victim to time and time again.

Think I am making a bigger deal of this than it really is?

Did you know that in the last 25 years only one drug has been approved by the FDA for a childhood cancer indication? One drug! And, the only reason that one got it was because it was also used for adults with cancer.

It isn't that powerful drugs haven't been brought forward. They have. The problem is that there is no incentive to make the drugs available for children. First there is a huge risk factor. We are talking about kids with cancer and we are talking about strong drugs which most likely have risky side effects. The problem is that, if a child dies during the course of a treatment with a particular drug, it is a public relations nightmare. It can not only kill a drug but it can also kill drug companies.

It isn't that the drugs are bad. It is that the cancers are and, in this day and age, many of the best drugs to defeat the cancer are incredibly toxic. Some kiddos die from the treatments they receive. As much as I hate to say it, it is a reality. It is horribly sad. But, what only make a tragic situation worse is that it also keeps many drug companies from pursuing pediatric indications.

Nobody wants to be the manufacturer of drugs that kill children - even if it saves far more lives.

The other major problem is the monetary factor. As much as I would love to blame pharmaceutical companies for being money grubbing, the fact of the matter is that they are in the business (like most other businesses) to make money. They aren't "not for profit". They have to make money. The problem for us is that even though childhood cancer is the number one killer of children by disease in the US there aren't enough of them to turn a profit for a drug company. Their simply isn't.

If the cure for all childhood cancers was discovered tomorrow as a shiny white pill. If it had no side effects and cured all childhood cancer patients immediately it still would not turn a pharmaceutical company a profit unless the drug had another indication in either a more prevalent cancer (like breast, lung, or prostate) or another disease entirely. Yes, the cure for childhood cancer would have to be supported either philanthropically or by a tiny upstart pharmaceutical company who had their eyes on tiny successes. Honestly, from a business perspective, the value of the cure for childhood cancer to a pharmaceutical company would be less about the amount of revenue it generated and far more about the amount of goodwill it could generate.

It is sad. But true.

Here again, I sit with no real answers but with a mountain of frustrations after watching no less that 5 promising drugs become unavailable, simply because their is no profit motive outside of childhood cancer to carry the drugs forward.

This is a case were children with cancer need strong governmental incentive for drug companies to get involved with childhood cancer. I don't know what the specifics of the incentive are but I do know something must be done or we will likely look back in the next 25 years to still only find a single drug with a pediatric cancer indication.

I understand the problem. I just don't know how to fix it. Do you?

It just feels like empty purpose.

The power of a slurpee

2011-02-09T04:57:00.003-06:00

It has been a while since I have had the opportunity to write an update on my beloved rugrats. For better or worse, there has been nothing glaring to report about. While I would not say they have been quietly growing up, they have been doing so without major drama - well drama worth writing about anyway. In an era which seems completely chaotic to Lynley and I, they seem to be the steady eddy. They roll with the punches.

Surprisingly it has been Ainsley who has probably turned into my stand out. She and I have developed a habit of running to 7-11 for Slurpees. Honestly, at this point, I don't know who has a stronger addiction - me or her. I can, however, tell you that either she or I can always find a way to get the other out of the house to make a trip to our nearest 7-11 watering whole for the flavored, icy masterpiece in a cup.

It is strange how an entire relationship can be transformed by such a simple act. In fact, as strange as it sounds to say it, I have to tell you that the simple act of getting a Slurpee has completely and utterly revolutionized my relationship with my daughter. Slurpees have brought us together.

Oh, sure, we have always been Daddy and daughter. She has always been adorably obstinate and utterly sneaky. I have always loved her for those qualities. We have always snuggled and cuddled. We have been engaged in each others lives. To point, it isn't as though we weren't close.

Slurpees have just brought us 10 times closer than I could ever imagine. We now have a thing, just her and I. It is something we have in common. For so long, we were simply father and daughter. I think we were as close as most fathers and daughters are. We just never really had anything in common. She was a little girl and I was a big man. Outside of the fact that we were father and daughter we really did not have that much in common.

Strangely enough, Slurpees gave us that. It has been the catalyst, the spark, which has completely transformed us. I really don't know of any other way to explain it. It started off as just a chance to go get something sweet to drink. But somehow that turned into an opportunity to talk about our lives, to giggle and to just be together. We have developed a true friendship and an interest in each others lives that we had never had previously.

All over a Slurpee...

It is that easy. One little thing can make all of the difference in the world.

Wow, I am amazed at how many flavors purpose comes in.

A litany of excuses

2011-02-08T04:32:00.002-06:00

Good morning. Well since the inception of my blog there had never been a week go by that I have not written. What can I say? It was a new first. It is not one I was particularly happy about but the fact was, I had never been so busy. Over the last week we had an ice storm that kept the kiddos home from school for 4 days. On top of that, my mother slipped on the ice and did an excellent job of breaking her arm which landed her in the hospital for a few days. In the meantime, I was due in California for a presentation at a 3 day NANT meeting. And, finally, what week would not be complete without a nice burst water pipe for good measure.

And that was all of just the non work stuff.

It has been chaotic.

The good news is that DeeDee is on the road to recovery. Luckily, all the king's horses and all the king's men were able to put DeeDee back together again. She had fallen on the ice while trying to make it down the driveway to close the lid on her trash can. We are hopeful that she has learned her lesson and that the next time she will just let it be. It was a stiff price to pay for cleanliness.

In the meantime, there was much chaos going on around the house. A few days of being shut ins and it seemed everyone was becoming a little stir crazy. No one was affected more than Lynley who could probably use a weeks vacation - sans kiddos. She reached her melting point. And where was her useless husband in her greatest hour of need? He was off gallivanting on the sunny beaches of California, soaking in the sun, and drinking margaritas with little umbrellas in them.

Well, that was her impression anyway.

The truth of the matter was that I was being churned in a 60 hour whirlwind of neuroblastoma research. I am sure I will write about it in the days to come but suffice it to say that I don't think I have ever came out of a NANT meeting with more hope for much of the clinical research they have planned but with more frustration regarding pharmaceutical companies. Mark my words - the biggest problem with neuroblastoma research is not a lack of funds (although it is one). Right now, the biggest challenge facing neuroblastoma is a lack of drugs. Every time I turn around another drug has disappeared, has become "unavailable", or simply just can't be "got." It is this challenge that continues to set research back years.

The good news to come out of the wake of the stunt speed boat that was last week is that the kiddos just seemed to ride the waves. Yesterday was their first day back at school and they slid back into routine without a hitch.

Clearly, they have become used to chaos.

On the other hand, as I age, I become less tolerant of it. When things get crazy, my only response is to just keep my nose to the grindstone and keep placing one foot in front of the other.

I figure, if I keep focusing on my purpose, we will eventually make it through.

A weekend of irony

2011-01-31T06:02:00.002-06:00

Well, we survived the weekend and the Tae Kwon Do tournament. None the less, it was a busy weekend. It started with a trip to Addison at about 7:00 AM on Saturday morning. We arrived a few minutes early although it was still a major rush once we got there. For some reason, Graham had decided to take all of his equipment out of his bag after the last practice and he showed up without any gear or a belt. Don't ask me why or how he did it. I have no idea. It was a first for all of us. However, with a little trading through the team we were able to cobble together a full uniform for him.

Both kid's sparred well. Graham absolutely dominated his first match. He obliterated the poor little kiddo. Within about 10 seconds of the second round they called the match and Graham was declared the winner. It was a great start for Graham. The Gold medal match was more difficult and Graham would lose by a point in the last few seconds. Honestly, he could have one the match. The boy he fought was a little taller and it was an advantage that Graham just could not get over that day. An another note, the child Graham fought was so dominate last year that he often fought older kids. So, the fact that Graham stayed with him toe to toe and almost won was a sign of significant improvement. In the end, Graham won a silver medal in sparring.

Sydney had a tougher time in the ring. Although her technique was there and she looked pretty good, something was missing. Honestly, I just don't think she wanted to win enough. She just did not have that fire. If I am being honest, she had psyched herself out before she had even made it to the ring. She saw that the majority of the girls were taller than her and that just took the wind from her sails. She never had a chance. In her mind, she was beat before she even got on the mat. The sad thing is that she probably could have beaten every single girl there. But, it is for this reason we have Sydney in Tae Kwon Do. For her, I could care less if she became the national champion. I honestly don't care if she wins or who she beats. The biggest competition for her will always be in between her ears. In the end, she received the bronze medal.

We weren't expecting to really even place in the forms competition. It has only been a couple of weeks since the kiddos received their new belts and for the most part they really had not even begun to work on their forms until the early part of this week. In fact, Graham did not know his form until one of the other kiddos on the team taught it to him Saturday morning. The great irony is that Graham would learn it so well that he would actually face the boy that taught it to him that afternoon in the gold medal match. Somehow Graham won. I am not going to get into the specifics of whether I truly believed that he won that match but the judges sure seemed to think so. Either way Graham brought home the gold.

Sydney's matches were different. She clearly won every match she participated in. In fact, she was far superior. Unfortunately, the judges seem to miss just about every mistake the other competitors made. Sydney performed her form perfectly and lost the gold medal to a girl her forgot her form and had to stop twice. She lost the silver medal to a girl that made several mistakes. I did not know what to tell Sydney. She clearly deserved the win but walked away with bronze. Oh well, maybe next time.

The tournament took the better part of the day. After a team dinner at chilis we would arrive home at about 6:30PM. Sunday was all about getting our chores done so that we could go help the team move into their new studio. We spent about 7 hours, sweeping, cleaning, laying down the new mats, and moving. I think everyone had a good time.

The kiddos fought in several matches on Saturday and then spent all day yesterday working and playing harder than I.

Yet it is me whose body hurts.

Go figure. At least I have got purpose.

The first domino

2011-01-28T06:03:00.003-06:00

Good morning! It is already Friday and time to get our game faces on. Both Graham and Sydney had private lessons yesterday in preparation for their upcoming AAU Southwest District Qualifier this weekend. This is their first tournament of the season and the first major qualifier of the year. While the kiddos have been practicing as hard as ever they have had a relatively light season as far as tournaments have gone. Furthermore, this qualifier is much earlier in the season.

Will they be ready to compete at a high level?

Last year both Sydney and Graham qualified at this tournament. Graham received a pair gold medals and, if memory serves, Sydney received a silver and a gold. However, last year they were tournament seasoned. This was one of the last tournaments of the season and they were riding a freight train of sparring momentum. Last year this was just another domino to fall.

This year it is the very first domino.

There is no doubt that the kids have enough experience. Both are far better than they were last year. They are both smarter and faster. I think the only thing that stands in their way is dealing with their nerves in the very first major tournament of the year. This tournament is much less a battle against the world and much more a battle against themselves.

It is this type of challenge that is the very reason that we put them in Tae Kwon Do in the first place.

They have got the skills. Can they deal with the pressure? Can they keep the eye on the prize?

This purpose is all about developing purpose.

Zip - I am gone.

2011-01-26T05:44:00.002-06:00

Well, we have sped into the week. Now, that I have started on this contract that requires my presence on sight during business hours it seems like everything has been moved into fast forward. Then again, it might just be this time of year.

Yesterday was a 9 hour day at the office which, in and of itself, is not that abnormal or that big of a deal. The problem was that I spent an additional 3.5 hours on the front end of that day working on the neuroblastoma walk. Then, I spent an additional hour and a half later in the day participating in a web conference on oncolytic viruses. If that was not enough, I capped it all off with another hour and a half NANT Advisory Council meeting later in the evening. In all, it was only a 15 hour day, The problem is that it seems like just about every day is strung together in this manner. Combine that with Tae Kwon Do, cooking breakfast and dinner, and trying to help the kids with homework and it becomes clear why it seems like life is stuck in fast forward.

It does not stop there. This week I have to finish up an online event registration system for the Neuroblastoma Walk, finish up a presentation for the upcoming NANT meeting, get out another mountainous order of Lunch for a Cure cookbooks and somehow keep my brains wrapped around being a business intelligence expert at the office. Yep, all of that, while trying to maintain my status as the best Dad in the entire World - it takes quite a bit of effort to keep the kiddos snowed over with that one.

It sure seems that, for someone that is an expert in business intelligence, I certainly would have found a way to be less busy.

Well, another day in the life...

It is all important.

Family first. Keep food on the table. Fight for kids with neuroblastoma.

That's my purpose.

Extreme Makeover - Dungan Style

2011-01-24T05:59:00.003-06:00

My body hurts. Just when our family thought that everything was too busy and we needed a break, we took it to the next level. We spent most of our weekend helping a friend out by tearing down walls, building new ones, and painting. It turns out that one of our friends needed some help to get a new space ready. So, we loaded the family urban assault vehicle up with hammers, nails, saws and painting supplies and spent a large part of the weekend working away.

Boy what a mean Daddy I am! Just after I wrote this heartfelt entry on working them too hard in Tae Kwon Do, I load them up with some manual labor. Well, get this! We must be doing something right because they wanted to go and help. In fact, they took the place by storm. As we tore down walls they helped take the debris out. Then, when all of the heavy stuff had been carried out they picked up a broom and started sweeping up all of the small stuff.

Hold on.

Wait for it.

Yep, they did this all without being asked. The only thing we did was open the car door. The twerplets unleashed a frenzy of hard work all on their very own. I could not have been prouder. It did not stop there. The next day was full of painting and putting up new walls. Graham helped me cut much of the wood by hand (no electricity yet) . Sydney and Ainsley got busy with Lynley painting the walls and removing years of grime from the front windows.

Yep, it was extreme makeover - Dungan style.

It will not come as a big surprise to you that Ainsley ended up with more paint on her than on the walls. I am sure the white primer in her hair will bring a whole new dimension to her school uniform. The important thing is that we had fun and we even got to help a friend out at the same time.

Although I am sore, it was somehow an incredibly relaxing weekend. Go figure.

Purpose always seems to pay you back.

Faking it - a symptom of too much TKD?

2011-01-21T04:59:00.003-06:00

My children have sporadic sickness. The thing is, I think they are faking it. On top of that, I am pretty sure that their faking sickness is spreading like a virus. It seems like just about every night one of them has an excuse that they are too sick for Tae Kwon Do. My head hurts, my stomach hurts - you name it. On top of that, they are perfectly comfortable with going home and laying in bed instead of practicing. The problem with this is the fact that they clearly aren't sick.

First, out of the gate, I fully realize that the kiddos are probably doing too much Tae Kwon Do. If you do the math, they have five classes per week for a total of 5 hours. For Sydney and Graham this includes 2 regular classes, 2 team practices, and a sparring class. For Ainsley it is only 2 classes. Technically, Sydney and Graham are only required to go to the sparring class and the 2 team practices. However, they are going to the regular Tae Kwon Do classes because it is the hour before their team practices and Ainsley is in those classes. Since we are already there, they might as well participate, right? (Remember, we Dungans do everything together.) After all, it doesn't make much sense for them to sit on the bleachers. Regardless, the fact of the matter is that they are only going to those two extra classes out of convenience. Oh, and then, I should probably also point out that they have private lessons about once week. As you can see, they have a lot of Tae Kwon Do.

So, is this too much?

Hold on, don't answer yet. If it were that easy, I could have answered it for myself. The other side of the coin is that we are receiving some mixed signals. I should point out that both Graham and Sydney have asked for more private lessons. Furthermore, they have both identified that one of their major goals is to get a medal at Nationals. They fully understand (and take responsibility for the fact) that they must work hard if they are going to achieve that goal.

I want to be clear. It is not us telling them that they must work harder. They came up with that on their own. We are simply providing the opportunity. Clearly, in one sense they love Tae Kwon Do and everything that it brings them. On the other hand, they are faking sickness to get out of classes here and there.

So, given that, what is the answer?

My theory is to let Graham and Sydney sit out of the regular classes if they choose. Then, they can do homework or whatever they like. My only problem with this is that Graham will just sit there and play video games on his iPod. I would much rather see him reading or doing something that gets him up and moving. Sydney will do homework or read. In my book, I really don't see anything wrong with that.

Thoughts?

I need some direction for my purpii.

Twerplet Overcharging

2011-01-19T05:13:00.002-06:00

Well, I have officially returned home from Illinois. It was great to see Grammie again, even if our trip was too short. It was also good to see her in good spirits. I know she has good and bad days but I was given the gift of seeing her on a particularly good day. My time spent with her was so good one could not leave without a glimmer of hope that she could fully recover.

Thankfully, the drive back was uneventful. My mother and I had a rare opportunity for an extended talk. While we talk fairly often it is always short-lived and in concert with normal twerplet chaos. Rarely do we speak for more than a few minutes without our attention being averted by a kiddo hanging off of the roof or setting off small explosions in the back yard. It was a nice trip. It has been a long time since mother and son had just chatted.

It was only 12 hours after that Lynley threw the children at me.

"Here, they're yours!"

By the time I returned home it was quite clear that she had reached her limit. I was glad to come home and not find her duct taped to the ceiling or velcroed to the wall but it was clear that it had been a hard fought fight. In the end, I think the major difficulty for Lynley was that she had not plan anything to thoroughly wear them out. She had anticipated a nice quiet and relaxing 3 day weekend around the house with her loving children but must've forgotten what can happen to the bless-ed angels without rigorous activity.

You see, with our kiddos, you have to wear them out. If you don't drain them down, they just soak up energy. I have no idea where they get it. I think they get it through osmosis or by sucking it through the television set but, if you don't break up all of the relaxation with rigorous activity, their little batteries overcharge and that is when the chaos will reign. If you look closely, you can even see little sparks shooting from theirs ears. At that point, all you can do is duck.

Oddly enough, these are also the times that Lynley starts referring to them as "your children" when speaking with me.

Now, don't get me wrong. Lynley is a loving, dedicated, and gifted mother. And, if I am being honest, is more adept at putting up with their chaos when they are "over charged" than I. She can maintain some semblance of calm and peace.

Not me, I quickly revert to their level.

Regardless, she did superbly and deserved a much needed break.

I was just glad that for once she couldn't blame me for instigating it.

In the end, all have recovered. Now it is time to get back into purpose.

My awesome manliness prevails

2011-01-14T05:31:00.003-06:00

Good morning! Well, I am off. First thing tomorrow morning I am heading off to Illinois to visit Grammie and to complete her move into the nursing home. We had held out hope for a long time that she would be able to return home but it seems as though her recovery hit a plateau. Unfortunately, she just never made it back to the point that she could do all of the things necessary to live on her own. I am sad for her because I realize the great loss of freedom that I know she feels but, I must admit, I am somewhat thankful for her safety.

So, for better or worse, I am being called to Illinois to be the muscle. We need to get her completely moved out of her house. I think that is pretty cool. Here I am pushing 40 and I am still being called in to be "the muscle." Either everyone up there has an altered perception of my manhood or I still have it. Clearly be "buffness" prevails. It looks like I can put off that midlife crisis for another few years. I've still got it. I knew all of that Insanity and P90X would pay off.

I will be gone for a few days. This leaves Lynley with a handful. While I know she can handle it completely, I also know that she will be greatly outnumbered. The kiddos are older now and they are much more skilled in the martial arts.

How will I find my wife when I get back home? Will she be brain washed? Will she be sitting, huddling in a corner of the closet? Will she be tied up and duct taped to the ceiling?

No, of course not. This is Lynley we are talking about. If anything I expect the kiddos to be even better behaved.

After all, they won't have me around egging them on.

Wow, I hope Lynley doesn't realize what a pain in the a-- I am while I am gone. I hope she doesn't figure out that it is really me that instigates the kiddos. She won't discover that I am the problem, will she?

Nah, I am sure that won't be an issue. Surely, she is too enamored by my awesome buffness and clear youthful manliness to notice that.

I will however, surely miss all of my purpii.

A moment out of the rabbit hole

2011-01-13T06:04:00.003-06:00

Good morning! Does it feel like the world is moving in fast forward? It sure seems that way to me. So far 2011 has been jam packed and lighting like. It seem almost twice as fast as 2010. None the less, we are all hanging on and so far look no worse for the wear.

Even with all of this fast-paced-ness, we still haven't really received any clarity regarding the lesion on Sydney's breast plate. In fact, if anything, as far as that is concerned 2011 has seemed to bring the great cooling off-ed-ness. Honestly, I expect that is a good thing. We really don't want to be the focus of attention. We don't want to be our pediatric oncologist's number 1 priority. Simply put, if we are not her number one priority then we must not be in that bad of shape.

Actually, I still think the biggest issue is that no one knows what to do with this spot. We aren't getting answers because there isn't one - at least an easy one.

So, we will continue to wait.

I guess the fact that everything else is flashing by so quickly is a good thing. It keeps me occupied. You know, if it weren't, I would probably be obsessing on this even more. I am sure I would have whipped myself into a significant frenzy by now. Heck, I might have even earned me a comfy spot at the funny farm. Yes, I know I am that mental.

The bottom line is this.

While it may look, smell and feel like neuroblastoma, it certainly is not acting like it. And, until it does, we may have no other option but to wait. The good news is that there are many other things it could be but, oddly enough, the problem is that we just don't know what they could be.

That is the reality. Think on that one for a while.

In the end, it is time to hop back into the rabbit whole. There is purpose to chase.

An afternoon of unrealized dreams

2011-01-10T05:40:00.004-06:00

I miss being young and nothing made that more evident than this weekend. It was supposed to snow. In fact, the weatherperson was predicting 1 to 3 inches of the white stuff. If I am being honest, I didn't really care. Oh sure, it was an opportunity to make a fire in the fireplace and perhaps even throw a few snowballs at the kids.

(By the way, I cheat. If the kiddos are in the front yard, I make snowballs in the back and then carry them through the house. I then either crack the front door to throw them at them or launch them from one of the upstairs windows.)

But other than that, I also know that snow comes with an unending barrage of chores. It means a constant cycle of clothes going through the dryer, mopping up puddles of melted snowballs on the hardwood floors, and dealing with constant complaints of who hit who with a snow ball.

Boy, the more, I talk the more I sound like that grumpy Dad from "A Christmas Story." You know, honestly, the older I get the more I feel like him. Regardless, these are the things that muddle my mind and clunk around it when I think snow.

The kiddos, though. Oh, they are so different. Not once did they consider the impact of snowy boots on the floors or the fact that I would be spending the afternoon cycling their clothes through the dryer. No, they were consumed with plans to create the World's Largest Snow Twerp and an igloo that they could live in. They thought about how much fun it would to be to watch the kitten hop around the snow and whether they could figure out how to turn their Razors (scooters) into some kind of stand up sled. They spent all morning dreaming and planning of what, in just a few short hours, could be.

If you ask me, it sounds a lot more fun to think about all of the things that they thought about.

Ah, to be young again. I was so jealous of their cavalier attitudes. I was envious of their dreams.

When did I turn into such and old fart?

In the end, we had about an hours worth of snow. None of it stuck. Outside of a few puddles from the rain, there wasn't even anything to clean up.

They were devastated. All of their hopes and aspirations were dashed.

I got out of doing more laundry.

Thank goodness I have purpose to excite me or I would be worthless.

My odd relataionship with twerp chaos

2011-01-06T06:02:00.003-06:00

Can you hear that? That is the sound of quiet. The rugratigans have all returned to school. There is no more fighting over who said what, no more bickering over who hit who, and no more tears over who spilt the milk.

It is both happy and sad.

But there is one thing for sure. It is quiet - eerily quiet.

For me this is not new. It seems like this same scenario repeats itself every few months and yet, somehow it surprises me every time. I find myself baffled by the lack of noise and the pitter patter of little twerp feet. The sound void alone makes it feel as though all stress has completely vanished and then, yet again, it feels almost empty.

They are gone. They are back in school.

It is the double edged sword of twerpdom.

I find myself sitting down and taking a full, deep breath, basking in the glorious quietude, and endulging in the calm serenity - only to find myself bored by it minutes later - wondering where all of my sweet chaos has gone.

It is like an abusive relationship.

It is like being all full of purpose for no reason.

Solid like vaseline

2011-01-04T05:53:00.004-06:00

I want to thank everyone for their feedback yesterday. It was very helpful in solidifying my beliefs regarding PET and further scanning. Yes my opinion is solid - solid like Vaseline - but, then again, isn't everything when it comes to these types of decisions. Here is what I have come up with: in this case a PET scan will likely not clarify anything nor will it likely effect her clinically. In fact, it is most likely to simply muddy the waters.

My thought on its utility to provide a baseline is still valid but, now, we have to decide how valuable that is. And, that is an extremely difficult question to answer. Is she MIBG avid? Do you believe that she has relapsed previously?

It is all very nebulous.

The one thing I do know is that the big brains (orthopedic surgeons specializing in oncology) have vetoed biopsying her. Frankly, they think the likelihood of the sample providing anything diagnostic is slim to none. Apparently the spot on her breast plate is extremely hard (literally) to biopsy and samples from that area are generally non diagnostic. Furthermore, given the position and location of the other lesions they felt that they were not worth the risk either.

So, no biopsying. Yeah - I think?!?!

The good news to come out of all of this is that they now have a new "proven" theory on the lesions. The orthopedic surgeon reviewing Sydney’s scans for past 7 years felt that these sclerotic areas likely represented “healing process” of old bony metastasis and is a process seen in other solid tumors and in fact, quite common in women with breast cancer bony metastases. Given this theory it was her opinion that we would likely see more of these as Sydney's body continues to heal.

Good news? You bet! But, don't forget that it is one theory amongst others who will tell you flat out that they believe these lesions to be neuroblastoma. The consensus is still out. There will be more discussions throughout the remainder of this week and we are still awaiting several opinions from around the country. We are on the hunt to find other institutions that have seen similar lesions in their long term survivors.

Regardless, I find these latest opinions comforting. Perhaps a wait and see approach is best.

I can't believe I just said that.

Purpose, lead the way.

A cautious beginning

2011-01-03T05:12:00.003-06:00

Well, well, well. Happy New Year! 2011 has arrived and we are ready for a new start. Last year left many questions about our future. We have done everything we could to bring about good karma. We haven't broken any mirrors or walked under any ladders. We have even avoided all black cats. For good measure we have a couple of four leaf clovers and we have been fervently searching for lucky rabbits feet. In fact, the only thing I have not done to prepare for the new year was to eat black eyed peas. Nope. The last time I did that was New Year's Eve before the birth of 2003.

Do the math.

Yes, I guess it is fairly obvious why I don't eat those anymore. While I can't prove that black eyed peas cause neuroblastoma, it is a convenient item on which to place blame. I hated those nasty little things.

Today I will be following up with Sydney's oncologists. The holidays are over and it is time to get back to business. I need a plan. I am still strongly considering a PET scan for Sydney. For some it may seem like an easy decision. However, we have to carefully consider several things. Most importantly are: How would a positive or negative scan effect Sydney's treatment or lack there of. This is a big kicker.

Would a negative scan mean that this was not neuroblastoma? I would tend to think that this finding would give us more confidence that this spot was not neuroblastoma but I don't think it would be conclusive. So, would a negative finding change anything? Probably not.

So, if that is worthless, what would a positive finding on a PET scan mean? Well, again it would not be definitive but it would certainly put a significant scare into us. It would probably even convince us to be more aggressive in biopsying her. The problem with a positive finding is that I doubt it would qualify her for any type of clinical trial. It would not be definitive enough to get her in position to do any real good. Sure, we could start chemo but that would be about it. No MIBG therapy, no oncolytic viruses. Heck she probably would not even qualify for antibody or vaccine. Everything in our arsenal would be off the shelf and I can't see any of it as a long term solution. In this sense, we would be fighting, quickly depleting her marrow, without any real hope of anything to cement another remission.

Where as (and I know this sounds bad) if she relapsed more definitively we would have more weapons in our arsenal and potentially more chance to deal with it effectively. I know, I know, it is a nasty double edged sword.

Yep, from that perspective, a PET may not be that helpful. In my "unexpert" opinion it is a much better tool to follow known disease that it is to diagnose it. And it is this theory that leads to my rationale of why I think a PET might actually be of help for Sydney.

Positive or negative the PET would provide a baseline. It would provide something that we could follow. If it is positive we could follow how quickly it is growing or if the spot is resolving. If it is positive, it may also illuminate other areas of concern. In this case, it does give us something to measure and if it is negative it just might give us a big breath of fresh air.

What are your thoughts?

I know this may not seem like the happiest way to start a New Year but it is what it is. It may turn out that, while the year may begin with caution, it may blossom into our best year yet.

As always, it is one step at a time and one foot in front of the other - with purpose.

1 million reasons for hope

2010-12-30T05:51:00.002-06:00

Have you seen the front of the Lunch for a Cure website?

$997, 375.96

That is the amount that we have raised online for Lunch for a Cure. Will today be the day that we break the $1 million dollar mark? Will we surpass it before year end?

Think about it - $1 million dollars is a lot of lunches. We have come a long way and that is a lot of research that simply would not have been completed had it not been for all of that lunch money. Looking back over the years it is really pretty incredible. We have helped to put over 100 kids on clinical trial that simply would not have been had it not been for our effort. Best yet, many of those children are still surviving today. You have to wonder, would they still be here had it not been for our lunches? Would they still be alive if it were not for the clinical trials that we funded?

Our lunches did not stop there, we did a mountain of other important work as well. When drug supplies disappeared in clinical trials, it was our lunch money that quietly and magically made them reappear again. In fact, their are kids continuing to get cancer fighting drugs today that are only doing so because we (you and I and all of our friends) decided to give up our lunches.

To me, that is incredible. Think about it. If your child was sick and the only hope was in a new experimental drug whose supply had run out, how would you feel? If there was a drug that could save your child's life but you could not get it, what would you think? You can't get them at the pharmacy. You can;t even get them directly from the pharmaceutical company - not even if your child's life depended upon it. You can only get most of these drugs through clinical trial and what if all of the drug for that trial had expired. How would you feel? What would you think?

That is the reality that many kids with neuroblastoma have faced. But, because of our lunches, it is not the reality that they had to live. We got them the drugs. We made it possible to finish the clinical trials.

And, that is why this lunch money is so important.

It saves lives.

It searches for the cure.

It has purpose!

A lump of coal in my stocking?

2010-12-28T06:04:00.004-06:00

Well, it turns out that our "Merry Freakin' Christmas" turned out to be pretty good after all. In the last few days and hours leading up to the point that the fat man (yes, he has not been doing his P90X) left stockings and toys for the kiddos they took a turn for the better. While I can not say that they were perfect, they were certainly as excellent as a band of elbow high sibling twerplets could be after spending a week together. Yes, Christmas went off without nary a hitch and everyone was as happy as could be. Sydney received a laptop, Graham an iPod touch, and Ainsley was bestowed 3 toy Volkswagen bugs (don't ask). The point is that they could have been no happier. For the grandparents it was iPads and for Lynley it was her much coveted Slingbox.

Everything was wonderful.

Well, it was wonderful for everyone but me - the grinch. Santa did not bring me what I wanted. In fact, what he brought me was worse that a lump of coal. He brought me a burst pipe in the guest house. If that was not bad enough, our clever plumber was able to find 2 other leaks.

$3000.00 later I found myself wondering if this was a sign that I should give up technology and go to plumber school.

All in all, I suppose it could have been much worse. In fact, all things considered, my family is together, the kiddos are happy, and Sydney has not been thrust back into the cancer world. Given that scenario, I guess it is about the best Christmas I could have had.

Christmas is all about perspective - and purpose.

Merry Freakin' Christmas!?!?

2010-12-23T06:25:00.003-06:00

First, please, don't forget to give up your lunch! It is the only way that we can fund this important clinical trial. We are depending on you and your friends! - https://LunchforaCure.org/donate.aspx

On another note, I am really surprised this Christmas. I have expected my children to be much better behaved. After all, Santa Claus could be looking at them at any given moment. Consider the fact that I have taken off the week from work to be with them and I can tell you first hand that I have witnessed Santa observing them and he is none too impressed.

My children will be receiving coal for Christmas.

I know, in light of last weeks events you may expect Santa to be soft. Perhaps he could understand the impact stress has put on their gentle psyches. But no, he has had it.

I really can't blame Graham and Ainsley too much. No, its seems that their not so benevolent leader is the instigator of their twerp revolt. They are just imitating the master. I know of no other way to put it. Sydney is pissed. (I know, sorry Grammy, but there is no better word to encapsulate her condition) She is pissed about waking up. She is pissed about eating breakfast. She is pissed about going to ninja day. She is pissed about going to the movies. In fact, I can't think of a single thing that Sydney is not pissed about.

So, the question is, why?

This certainly is not Sydney. While I can tell you (probably even without getting hit) that, while she can have some of her mother's angst (her mother who is a beautiful, kind, intelligent and loving spouse and mother), she is generally a pretty happy little girl. There is a lot in life that she finds tremendous joy in. For instance, she loves crafts and she loves to read. She loves to play outside and she loves to cuddle with her daddy in the morning. There is usually a lot that she is happy about and the great thing about it is that it is simple things that seem to bring her the most joy.

Unfortunately, over the last week, none of that has been true. I would bet my house on the fact that this has something to do with our most recent set of scans. Unfortunately, she now speaks "girl," a language which I have a horrible time translating. In fact, I have found that my translations are often antonyms of the true definition. While I know this probably has something to do with fear and the fact that all of this is horribly unfair to her, I have no idea how to broach the subject with her.

As you can tell, I am a talker. I talk out my problems. Sydney is more like my blushing bride. They are thinkers. (BTW, this is no time to make sexist remarks about how much that makes sense considering the fact that I am male and all men talk before they think.)

Regardless, I just don't know how to bridge that gap. I don't know how to help her. I don't want to reward her fits and bad attitude but I also want her to know that I am here and that I want to understand.

Unfortunately, I just don't have the answer.

I would gladly take this purpose over the other but that does not mean I am any closer to the answer.

Finding the cure for neuroblastoma over lunch

2010-12-21T06:19:00.004-06:00

Every year since Sydney's diagnosis we have fought to find the cure for neuroblastoma. Of course, for me, I had a vested interested. But, that was only the catalyst. That was the spark that made me realize what a truly horrible situation children with cancer were in. You see, I had never known that childhood cancer was the number one disease killer of children in the US. I was shocked to learn that it was a more common killer than Muscular Dystrophy, Cystic Fibrosis, Flu, Asthma and AIDS -- COMBINED!

I just didn't know.

I also didn't know that the term childhood cancer was made up of over 80 indications and that all of those different childhood cancers COMBINED received less than 1/4 of the funding than just one adult cancer (breast cancer) received.

Think about that. With so little funding and so little support for our nation's number one disease killer of children, how would we ever find a cure for any childhood cancer - much less neuroblastoma?

Our answer was to do something about it and just 2 months after Sydney's diagnosis Lunch for a Cure was born. The mission is simple - raise money for neuroblastoma research that will lead to a cure - and the concept was even simpler - ask everyone to give up lunch for one day and donate their lunch money to neuroblastoma research.

Over the years we have raised millions of dollars for neuroblastoma research and lives have been saved. Yes, their are children alive today that would not be had it not been for out lunches. Think about that power. All you did was give up one lunch - but it saved a child's life. That is power.

And so here we sit at the end of another year but on the verge of funding the most important clinical trial we have ever had the opportunity to fund. Our goal is to raise $150,000 to fund a trial for children with neuroblastoma. That is $3000 per child for 50 children. We are funding a trial that is using a drug which has already been proven to increase survival by 20% but giving it to a group of children that do not currently have access to it. Furthermore, we are combining it with new drugs in the hope that it will become even more effective while also reducing its toxicity.

There is no doubt that this trial will save lives. It is important and it must be funded. 100% of donations go to fund this important clinical trial. There are no administrative fees or costs. This is entirely about funding neuroblastoma research. This is about finding the cure.

When was the last time your lunch could save a life?

Please give up your lunch today and donate it to lunch for a cure and ask all of your family, friends and coworkers to do the same. It is just one lunch but it will save lives.

You want to make a big difference this Holiday Season?

Please:

Go to https://LunchforaCure.org/donate.aspx
Enter a donation amount.
Select Sydney's name
Make a donation
Ask everyone you know to do the same.

We still have $100,000 to go and time is critical.

We will save lives.

Today all children with neuroblastoma will be our purpose.

A deeeeeeeep exhale

2010-12-17T12:15:00.002-06:00

I don't have time to go into the details right now. There is much expert consultation going on in the world of neuroblastoma, but, my original take (not my paranoid one) on the MIBG was correct. She was negative. The spots of concern that I identified were attributable to brown fat and normal uptake. We still have to figure out what the new lesion is on CT but right now the belief is that we are dealing with an unknown.

As of right now there are no plans but to enjoy Christmas.

We still have no answer but this is the best news we could have walked out with today.

More to come after I can stop crying tears of joy.

Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for my purpose.

On the verge of heartbreak.

2010-12-17T04:44:00.004-06:00

First off, I want to thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes. I have received hundreds and have cherished each and every one. They mean the world. Thank you. I just don't have the capacity to respond right now.

So, yesterday really did not go how I suspected. I am sure that this entry will come as quite a shock to many that talked to me yesterday. The scan actually went okay. I don't know if I had my parental rosy blinders on but, during the scan, I really did not see anything. For some reason though, against what I am sure is hospital policy, I snapped a picture of the screen on my iPhone.

At that moment, I did it for reassurance.

To me nothing was glaring on the scan. There was an issue with the bladder but that was not expected to be disease. It is funny how your mind plays tricks on you. Here I am somebody that has been exposed to as many MIBG scans as a parent possibly could be and yet I somehow missed some fairly obvious things. Yet, another indication of my fragile mental state.

But still, I would not notice these little nuances even though I would review the scan many times throughout the day. After Sydney finished, we took her back to back to school and visited all of the kiddo's Christmas parties. There were even a few parents there that I took the opportunity to show Sydney's scan to. - Yet, another violation of a hospital policy I am sure.

I still did not notice anything...

The kiddos got out early from school and, for a nice change, I got to spend some quality time with them all afternoon snuggling on the couch watching movies. It was so wonderful. I have been so busy lately this had been one of the first times in quite awhile that I just got to sit around with them and do nothing.

I loved every second of it.

In fact, I loved it so much I totally missed the fact that Graham and Sydney both had belt testing at Tae Kwon Do at 5:30PM. Thankfully, Lynley was somehow still playing with a full deck of cards and was there to make sure we made it on time. When I arrived, the first question on Master Adrian's lips was "How is Sydney?" It was in showing her the scan that 2 subtleties in it started to appear - one on her right shoulder, and one on her sternum. Watching the belt test was tough. The kiddos both did spectacularly. They both broke boards with flying kicks. They both sparred beautifully and the forms and one steps were perfect. While I will tell you that I watched every aspect of my own kiddos performances, I must admit that I spent the rest of the time staring at the scans and comparing them to others from medical journals on my phone.

Now, I will be really honest with you. I saw scans that included hot spots just like the ones that I had captured on Sydney in kiddos with perfectly clear MIBG scans. I could easily blame the spot on the shoulder on brown fat and I can even provide you some references of scans where the hot spots were symmetrical but had more intensity on one side than the other - just like in Sydney's case. Furthermore, I can show you several scans that have something that seems to almost wrap around the sternum at about heart level - very similar to Sydney's. All of those were also on scans that were deemed clean by neuroblastoma experts. (See 123I-Metaiodobenzylguanidine Uptake in the Nape of the Neck of Children: Likely Visualization of Brown Adipose Tissue, Journal of Nuclear Medicine Vol. 44 No. 9 1421-1425)

But, somehow, even though I found those examples, I spent most of the night awake in tears. I know that if it was anyone's scan but Sydney's that I would identify those spots as disease. I simply can't change the fact that they are there.

I am heartbroken.

Over night I tried to get out all of my tears so that I could be strong for my family today. But even now, I sit barely able to breathe with a lump in my throat and unable to see the screen because of my tears.

Could I be wrong? God, I hope so. I have prayed and prayed. I have sworn off every vice that I have and even promised to start a few more just so that I could swear those off as well. Add on top of that that I only saw the 2D scan and not the 3D version, her spots could be explained away as normal.

I just can't bring myself to get my hopes up. Perhaps, I fear the devastation too much.

Add on top of all of this the fact that we did not hear from Dr. Eames yesterday. Knowing her, she would have called had she had good news. She knows us too well.

Today, at 9:30 AM we have an appointment where we should get the definitive answer. I will be there with Lynley and Sydney and, for those of you that know, I will be wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

God help us. Please spare my purpose.

A trip through the mind of a basket case

2010-12-16T03:58:00.004-06:00

For me, this week has been a downhill slide. I keep grabbing the sides to slow down but my mind just won't stop going there. I have that all to familiar uneasiness where my heart is lodged in my throat. In my moments alone, there is a whirlwind of thoughts swirling through my brain and it almost always leaves me on the brink of tears. It does not take long to take a relatively stable man and turn him into a puddle of complete and utter mess.

Here I sit at 4:00 AM, some 4 hours before Sydney's MIBG scan. In fact, I am writing these words and will probably have realized our future well before anyone reads them. Somehow though, it still makes me feel better to sit here and write.

This scan has me the most terrified. To me it is this scan that is probably the true test as to whether Sydney has relapsed. The thought that in just 4 hours I will have a good idea of Sydney's future - whether she will live or not - is just surreal. I don't really know how to explain it and I don't know that I would want to.

All night long my mind has relived what today's scan might be like. Could I bring myself to watch the monitors? Do I just want to wait to hear the results from Dr. Eames tomorrow? If the scan goes bad, how would I explain this all to Sydney? What about Graham and Ainsley? How do I keep it together?

I tell you, I am mental. This little episode has brought me to my knees. Oh sure, I have been there and seen it 1000 times. I know how this all goes. But still, when it is your child, it is an entirely different story. It looks different, smells different, and feels different.

I am scared out of my wits. You can't see it, not even when we are standing face to face, but I am trembling with fear. The two Mark's (hopefully temporarily) are back.

So, why all of the fear? What does today mean?

The good news is that the results of this scan have played out in my mind so many times that I have considered just about every possibility. So, for those of you new to this, the MIBG (metaiodobenzylguanidine - and no, I (unfortunately) did not have to look that up) scan is a specialized scan, primarily used for children with neuroblastoma. MIBG is sucked up by about 90% of neuroblastoma tumors. In essence, they stick some radiation onto the MIBG particles and then inject them into the kids. Assuming there is neuroblastoma, the MIBG will congregate where the neuroblastoma cells are and then show up on the scan as a hot spot. If there is no neuroblastoma, the radiation will highlight the thyroid and some of the organs as it passes through the system on the way out but, other than that, it pretty much just passes through and disappears.

For Sydney, this scan is not definitive because we do not know for sure whether she is MIBG avid. I.e. we don't know any longer whether she is in the 90% group or the 10% group. We know that if that scan is positive there is a 99% chance she has relapsed neuroblastoma. However, if the scan is negative we can feel better about it but we still do not know for sure that she does not have neuroblastoma. She could be in that 10% of neuroblastomas whose disease just doesn't take up the MIBG. I make this distinction because it is a significant concern for her. You may remember that at her first "relapse" (if that is what it was) she was not MIBG avid even though she had been avid at her original diagnosis.

So, here is the rub. Over time I have become to believe that Sydney probably did not relapse. I am not alone in that revelation and can probably point you to about 50 neuroblastoma experts that feel the same way now. So, in my mind, she is still likely to be MIBG avid. Given that, if that spot on her breast plate is neuroblastoma, I will see it light up this morning.

I will be real honest with you. I am a big strong man, but I don't know if I could handle it. I will be there. I will be solid for my family. But jeez, I just don't know how I could possibly keep in together.

Back to rational, Mark.

So, anyway, today's scan is no fun. While we could discover that Sydney has relapsed neuroblastoma, on the other side of the coin, it does not provide us any guarantee that she doesn't. Don't get me wrong, though. I would give anything for a negative scan.

Take it all, just spare me my family.

So, here I sit. Ever the basket case, still hoping and praying for a clean scan - slowly watching the time tick away on the clock. In 3 hours an 42 minutes I will know. Is that when our lives will crumble?

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Praying for a clean scan.

God, I have purpose, give me strength.

Preparing for MIBG

2010-12-15T06:49:00.003-06:00

Today I don't have much to say. Tomorrow will be a far more exhaustive review. I just did not want to leave everyone hanging. I really don't feel much different than I did yesterday. I am happy to see the results from Sydney's bone scan. I am still scared out of my wits for the upcoming MIBG. However, today should be relatively uneventful. We have an MIBG injection and a few labs in preparation for tomorrow morning's scan. Hopefully, this will go smoothly for Sydney. She has had so many bad experiences with IVs we are just hoping that this one will go as smoothly as the last. They used a J-Tip on her during the last injection and it worked flawlessly. She did not feel a thing. I just pray that these little successes will reduce the fear that I know is swimming around in her little brain.

My thought for today is just trying to ensure that Sydney is comfortable in her own skin.

That is my purpose.

A clean skeleton in her closet

2010-12-14T04:31:00.002-06:00

First off, I have not forgotten everything. I know that when things aren't going your way you have to celebrate your small successes. Yesterday was just that. In fact, it greatly surpassed by expectations. Here is how it happened.

At about 9:00 AM I heard from the oncology team. Everything had been moved into fast forward. Sydney needed to be at the hospital at 10:30 AM for our first day of what was quickly turning into a scan whirlwind tour. No problem for Lynley and I but this presented some big concerns regarding Sydney. We had to call the school to get her out of class but, with a little girl who was becoming more and more self aware, we were concerned with what would be going through her mind. She knew she had just had a scan on Friday. She knew she was done with scans. What would be going through her mind when she realized that Mommy and Daddy would be picking her up? Would she be scared?

Lynley and I quickly game up with a game plan. We would both be simple and honest. Daddy would focus on being funny and silly. Lynley would concentrate on rolling her eyes at Daddy. If we did it just right we could get out of there without scaring her too much. Simply put, we told her that there was something on her scan that they just couldn't figure out. So, they needed some other scans to help tell them what it was. Sydney was comfortable with that. Lynley and I skated by this particular incident but I must admit we are in a totally new world with her. She is of age and starting to ask some very tough questions. It is the subject of a diary entry unto itself. But, suffice it to say, Sydney is aware.

On to the scan.

By about 2:15, Sydney was on the table in nuclear medicine. The scan took about 15 minutes. Sydney was in the zone on the narrow table slowly sliding between the 2 large plates that do all of the magic. Lynley and I stood closely by and chatted with the technicians Steve and Margaret. It was familiar for all of us. It was the same people and the same room. We have been coming here every 3 months for the last 7 years. Everyone in the room has been there with us from the very beginning.

We all know.

Oddly enough, the conversation was light. In fact, the only thing making anyone nervous was the fact that I was constantly walking back and forth to the monitor to get a better view of Sydney's scan results. The news was good though. This was the best skeleton I had ever seen. It looked absolutely clear. However, I also knew that I was looking for a 5 mm spot on Sydney on a monitor which was at about a 1:16 scale. I did not even truly know if I would be able to see the lesion on a screen so small.

Regardless, the scan looked good. My biggest fears of diffuse bony turnover or riddled little skeleton were alleviated. She still may have a little disease but judging by this scan it certainly wasn't widespread.

That was incredible news and worthy of a deep exhale.

The rest of the day was pretty family centric. We picked up the rest of the kiddos from school. Daddy put his little twerplet collating army to work at the local Mail Stop to get out a mountain of Lunch for a Cure materials. We then made our way home and then back out to Tae Kwon Do. For all practical purposes, it was a relatively normal night.

Later though, the phone rang.

It was Dr. Eames. She was ecstatic and called to let me know that the bone scan was absolutely clear. I might even say she was downright giddy about the news, but I certainly would not want to give the impression that she was anything less than perfectly professional.

In the big scheme of what lies ahead, this was a small success. But, make no mistake, it was a huge step in the right direction. It is worthy of some temporary celebration while we prepare for the next one.

Much more lies ahead.

So what does this all really mean? Well, the real key here is that we did not see several spots of concern. Furthermore, the fact that there is not activity at this spot would seem to indicate that this probably is not an aggressive process. Could it still be neuroblastoma? Absolutely. But, is it becoming less likely? You betcha.

Our next step is MIBG which they were thankfully able to schedule for this week. We will have a day of normalcy before our injection on Wednesday. In the meantime, though, there will continue to be more planning and scheduling.

But, for right now, your prayers are working. Thank you.

Yesterday, was a victory for purpose.

Out, out damn spot

2010-12-13T04:08:00.002-06:00

Yeah, the results from Sydney's scans weren't great and the air is thick with irony. You may recall from as recently as my last diary entry that I was not particularly concerned about the chunk of tumor sitting in Sydney's retro crural area. I was not concerned because it was not Sydney's biology to have this kind of solid tumor relapse. What I mentioned was that I would expect bony disease - bony lesions - multifocal sclerotic lesions and guess what - damn it?

I was right. The retro crural fullness was not even remarked. But, that was not where the news ended. They found a bony lesion.

Yep, we have a new sclerotic lesion on her breast bone. When taken with other findings we now have a collection which makes them multifocal. The are all kinds of possibilities in the differential diagnosis but none is more likely than recurrent neuroblastoma for a child like Sydney.

So, there you have it, the awful, bad, ugly news.

Is there any good news you ask? Well, neither myself nor the medical team are sure this is neuroblastoma. And, in this vortex of bad news, there is actually still some hope. First off, this is a sclerotic lesion by CT. Frpm that we do not know it is neuroblastoma. Furthermore, while neuroblastoma is a likely culprit, for Sydney, we have seen some pretty strange bony abnormalities which appear to have nothing to do with neuroblastoma. So with a healthy dose of skepticism, here is why I am not freaking out all over the place.

First, while this is a new lesion, Sydney has had several of these lesions in her pelvis and spine. Over the years they have remained stable and any changes have always been attributed to the way the CT scan sliced the images. Sydney probably has 5 or 6 (or more) of these lesions, all in the 1 - 5 mm range. As I have said they have been stable and non assuming and, interestingly, they have not been confirmed by MIBG. The only thing frightening about this new addition is the fact that it is new.

While a bony relapse may look just like this, in Sydney's case, something just does not add up. It is not exactly what we would suspect. For this reason, it has us all a little skeptical. We have a "heightened sense of awareness" but no one seems to be screaming relapse -- yet.

None the less, this is Sydney, and she does have stage 4 neuroblastoma. We can't rule it out and we have to go find more. For this reason, we are now lining her out for a full work up. Today she will likely get a bone scan and it we will try to work her in for an MIBG scan assuming we can get some for her this week. Unfortunately, we may have to wait another week. They order MIBG on Friday for a Wednesday delivery so the only way we will get scanned this week is if they have some extra.

You can probably also expect a bone biopsy in the very near future. We need to know what it is and I am guessing we will just go in to get it. I know this will happen if we have a negative MIBG result but it is possible that we may go in either way.

So, what else could this be. Well, I am skeptical of some kind of autoimmune process. This is the same nebulous culprit that I have blamed for the other lesions that we have discovered on her body over the years. Don't forget the strange lesion we had on her tibia or the bonus we found on her radius. I think, and I am hopefully praying, that this is all one in the same. The problem is that we may never know what it is. The good news is that it would not be neuroblastoma and that is about all we can hope for right now.

So, we are praying with all of our might that this is not neuroblastoma. We are looking for a clean MIBG. I am expecting the bone scan to be positive but that does not mean neuroblastoma - just that something is causing bone turnover. Regardless of the cause, I think we already know that is happening. Although, I would suspect that a negative finding would tend to point to a less aggressive process. Given Sydney's history and lack of MIBG lesions I am hopeful and guessing that her MIBG will be negative. While certainly not a definitive finding, a negative result by MIBG would sure make me feel a heck of a lot better.

I know, it sucks.

But, this is the reason I have so darn much purpose.

Pray on.

Twerp #1 Scan Day

2010-12-10T05:49:00.002-06:00

Good morning! Well, as you can tell from the title, today is scan day for Sydney. It has been six months since radiologists discovered the chunk of tumor sitting inside of Sydney's belly. Today we will hopefully get some insight as to whether it is dead or alive and growing or not.

To refresh your memories (considering the fact that we are all a bit older now), at our scans six months ago they discovered a 17 mm x 21 mm chunk of what looks like tumor deep within Sydney's abdomen, tucked up under her diaphragm in the retro crural space. Woah, you may say! Relax, I may say. It turns out this chunk of "tumor likeness" has been there for years - at least 3 and maybe since diagnosis. While we have seen changes in the size of the tumor over time these are thought to be changes due to the way the CT scan acquire images, not to actual changes in the tumor(or whatever it is). Outside of neuroblastoma this could also just be the result of "postoperative changes" or due to some other type of extremely slow growing tumor.

Given the fact that we have not seen any real change over the years I must admit that I am feeling pretty good - all things considering. I mean, if you are going to find a chunk of tumor in your daughter that has had stage 4 neuroblastoma, this would have to be about the best thing you could find.

Now, I just hope it is not growing. In fact, the best thing we can probably hope for here is that we so no change. A nice nondescript, non assuming, and non transforming chunk of tumor would all suit us just fine I think. That would be best.

I always hate to speculate about scans or relapse because I fear rocking the karma. But, for your information, here is why it does not bother me so much. A solid tumor relapse really isn't Sydney's biology. That just isn't what we would expect from her. From her, I would expect a bony relapse with disease riddling her skeleton. That is what her disease is "supposed" to do (nice, huh?). That is not to say that a solid tumor relapse is impossible, just less likely.

Ah, the trials and tribulations of knowing too much about a disease you wish you had never heard of in the first place.

Regardless, this morning Sydney has a CT scan. That is pretty much it for this set of scans. (Yes, we are all trying to reduce the unnecessary radiation from a full work up.) She will also have an ECHO and an EKG just to make sure her ticker is in working order. Yet, another area we are watching closely for late effects. You know, when you have an Olympic athlete you have to worry about that stuff. (Okay, fine, we would have to worry about it even if she wasn't.)

So, there you have it. We have a busy day ahead. If you need a purpose today, we could use some prayers thrown in Sydney's direction.

You know what our purpose will be today.

Twerp Status Quo

2010-12-09T06:26:00.003-06:00

I know it would not surprise anyone if I told you that this week was hectic. Here it is Thursday morning and the week has gone by so fast I can't really tell you what happened up until this point. It has been a whirlwind - both personally and professionally. Out of the depths of my mind (it is fairly shallow so it makes it easy) I can recall a few things.

First, the kiddos are all doing pretty well. In fact, Ainsley even brought home a blue sticker from school. It is funny. That still actually shocks the hell out of me. Regardless, once again she achieved greatness and we were all treated to a 49 cent vanilla ice cream cone on the way home. I truly am thankful for McDonald's this year. Ainsley has been so good that anything more than a 49 cent ice cream cone could put us in the poor house at her frequency of good behavior.

The others are doing pretty well, too. Tae kwon do is still a 3 night a week hurdle but the kiddos seem to be enjoying it. Oh sure, they complain that they would like to stay home and ride their Razors around the block for a few more hours but that doesn't phase me. Another hour of unmanaged chaotic behavior can never be a good thing when it comes to those 3 . Yes, the organized structure of tae kwon do class suits me just fine. At this point, it may be the only thing that preserves our parental sanity on those evenings.

Well, enough of the update. I have cookbooks to get out the door.

There is still time left. Don't forget to get your Christmas Lunch for a Cure cookbooks - it is 2 gifts in one - http://lunchforacure.org/cookbook

Back to shipping purpose.

The Holiday Hustle

2010-12-07T06:12:00.003-06:00

You know, this time of year would be much more enjoyable if it could just slow down a little bit. While I would never ever want to go back to the days of living in the hospital, there were a few pretty good things that came out of that experience. Sure, Sydney was fighting cancer and our future was scary and unknown, but, we were together. At that point in our lives the Christmas parties weren't all important. There was little reason to spend a small fortune to decorate the house as we weren't really there that much. The only thing playing on the television was Bambi or Snow White so we were not inundated with ads or the realities of the world around us (the news was not being watched). Shopping seemed less important too. In fact, we didn't even really need Christmas presents. Sydney was too sick and the only thing anyone wanted was for her to feel better.

In a sense, it was calm.

In retrospect, it was almost even slow.

Now, I haven't forgotten everything. Although, my rosy colored history spectacles don't allow much of the pain and fear back in. I know I don't want to return. I also know we were busy and life was hectic.

But still, there was something different.

The beauty of Christmas then was its simplicity. The simple fact that we were together. In fact, that was all that really mattered. Christmas was about focusing on each other.

Today I feel like things are going in a 1000 different directions and I find myself yearning for a return to the basics. I just want to relax and be with my family. I have grown weary of the 80 hour work weeks, the rush to spend more, be the life of the party at each and every Holiday party, and the challenge to decorate more than the neighbors.

It does not take long to forget what is important. I miss that gift from Sydney's treatment.

It is time to take a big deep breath of purpose.

A layman's perspective on the future of MIBG in neuroblastoma therapy

2010-12-02T05:57:00.003-06:00

The last few weeks have been interesting on the neuroblastoma front. I have been part of several discussions on the future of MIBG therapy in neuroblastoma. Several of these discussions were in the research trenches but I also had the privilege of seeing Dr. Kate Matthay speak on the topic at Cook Children's the other night.

Secretly, I have always been a fan of MIBG therapy. I have seen many children with little hope for a cure have their lives saved in large part to this treatment. I know, without a doubt, that there are many children here today that would not have been without this treatment. For them, MIBG has been a miracle drug.

I am not alone with this insight.

There is a mounting army of survivors that can attest to the success of MIBG. Furthermore, there are many oncologists that have experienced these successes in children that they know they would likely have lost without the treatment. More and more are seeing the benefits of MIBG first hand.

As the research articles continue to flow from medical publications it is increasingly clear that MIBG will be an important part of neuroblastoma therapy in the future.

Many are aware of the toxicity of MIBG therapy. It is hard on counts and in many situations requires stem cell support. It is often this toxicity that has kept people from pursuing it as an option. However, now that the writing is on the wall that MIBG benefits may outweigh its side effects - especially for a certain group of ultra high risk patients - it should be a consideration. And, from what I am learning now, it looks as though it might be appropriate for all high risk patients.

As it stands now, MIBG therapy has a response rate of somewhere around 30 to 35%. That may not seem like a lot but, when you consider these response rates are based on the most heavily pretreated kiddos with the most resistant forms of the disease, that number starts to look better and better. Take this into consideration. Some of the best drugs we have for neuroblastoma, don't have a response rate as good as that. The old stand by, a combination of Topotecan and Cytoxan, has a response rate somewhere around 25% and our other relapse "go to" combination, Irinotecan and Temodar, only yields a response rate somewhere around 15%. Given those numbers, MIBG therapy begins to look really, really good - even considering the toxicity.

Make no mistake. MIBG is the most effective treatment we have in relapse when considering response rate. It is the toxicity cost that has to be weighed.

That is all fine and dandy but what really has intrigued me is the discussion of moving this treatment into up front therapy. Believe it or not, there is actually a study out of Europe that has looked at including MIBG at the very beginning of therapy. "Scarily toxic" you may say. However, "complete response" is what I have to say. It appears that MIBG may work even better in up front therapy and, as expected, response rates are even higher. Early data makes an argument that this could be the next big bump in survival.

Should MIBG therapy be one of the first things we do? Well, there are still some issues to work out. I think we need to get our stem cell collection completed before we hop into MIBG therapy to help reduce some of the secondary cancer risks. There are some logistical issues and other concerns as well. However, MIBG is on the horizon and it is closer than ever to being a mainstream treatment option for children with high risk disease.

Pilots are already offering MIBG in the up front window for ultra high risk kids and I would not be surprised to see MIBG as a component of a phase 3 trial as early as 2013.

Bottom line, if you have a child with high risk disease MIBG should be in the back of your mind. While today it is not for every child with neuroblastoma, it is certainly a strong option for a child with relapsed or refractory disease.

It is more ammo for your purpose gun.

Being right

2010-11-30T06:34:00.002-06:00

Our first day back to reality brought with it a half of day of school but, for once, it wasn't a school planned activity. Nope, this time it was for a trip to see Dr. Debbie. Both Graham and Sydney have been fighting illness and Lynley decided that it was necessary for them to see the doctor. You may notice that I said "Lynley" instead of "we." That is because Lynley is nice, sweet and caring and I am a big ol' meany that thinks that if it isn't cancer they should just suck it up. Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. I am just of the opinion that if you aren't febrile or showing signs of infection there is no point in going to the doctor. Give the kiddos some over-the-counter decongestant and be done with it.

Regardless, mean old daddy lost and we were off to see Dr. Debbie.

When we arrived at the doctor's office Sydney was surprised that she was the one that had the appointment. That just added fuel to my fire of worthless doctors visits. The irony was that Sydney was the only one that came out with a seemingly genuine sinus infection. She received a script for an antibiotic. So, in the end, even though neither Sydney nor I thought she was sick her mother and her spooking sickness divining senses were smack on. Score one for mommies.

However, Lynley's theory that Graham had pink eye missed its mark. He didn't even have a scratched eye. Apparently he just has some kind of seasonal irritation. He did receive some over the counter eye drops and a promise of treatment if an infection set in. But, in this case, Daddy was Mr. Righty-pants. Oh yeah, score one for the male of the species.

The great sickness competition could not be settled though. Ainsley was not sick or suspected of it. She is just a twerp. Both Lynley and I are in perfect agreement with that.

You know, this all makes me think back to the years of treatment Sydney endured. Lynley and I were diametrically opposed on many items . Sometimes she was right, sometimes I was right.

Never the less, we always made decisions together.

I wonder if it is that skill that is the reason we are still married.

She has definitely gotten better at appreciating my all-knowing-ness. She just gives me a little smile that tells me that I am off my rocker and I somehow know it is time to follow her direction.

I love her.

She is my other purpose that often goes neglected. Don't forget that Mark.

Conflicted Purpii

2010-11-29T06:03:00.000-06:00

Well, on Saturday, the Dungan's arrived back home from their journey to the deep South. All in all, it was a pretty good trip. For me, I must admit I was a little bit disappointed. I was buried with work and had little time to focus on family. This also meant that I had less time to spend focusing on the kiddos.

Don't get me wrong. I know I am lucky. With my flexible schedule, I generally get to spend far more time with my kiddos than most. However, with owning my own business and running the foundation there aren't really any days off. For most of what we do, if I am not doing it, it isn't getting done. At times of the year like this, when I should be spending more time with my family, I find myself being pulled in a hundred other directions.

I love doing the cookbook - talking with families, collecting the recipes, correcting them, formatting them, adding pictures, running the contests, making sure the winners get their prizes, lining out the printer, setting up shipping, and just about anything else you can think of as it relates to getting the cookbook out the door. But again, it is a lot of work, and when it comes down to it, if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Therefore my November, and my Thanksgiving are often buried in recipes.

Again, I like it. However, I just miss being able to focus on my kiddos when they are having so much fun. I know that when I am finished - when the cookbook sales are completed, the Lunch for a Cure fundraiser has broken its million dollar mark, and we have a big fat check to hand over to the neuroblastoma researchers -that there is nothing that will feel better than knowing that there are real lives of children with neuroblastoma that we have saved. There will be an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment.

We will have made a huge difference. There will be children out there, ones that would have lost their battle - living - and it will all be because of all of our hard work.

I know it is all worth it. I know it is important. I just need to remind myself of that when I see my kiddos out the window having a blast - without me.

It can be hard when your purpii conflict.

Neuroblastoma Black Friday Sale

2010-11-24T06:59:00.002-06:00

Lunch for Cure Cookbooks are flying off the presses and they are ready for sale. This Black Friday Sale is a bit different than others. Instead of offering deep discounts for your purchase, the Neuroblastoma Foundation is offering you the opportunity to save a child's life with it. To me, it is a much better deal and I am sure those receiving your gift will feel the same.

It is simple. Go to http://LunchforaCure.org/cookbook and order cookbooks as gifts for your friends, family coworkers, and anyone else you can think of. The proceeds from the sale of this year's cookbook will help fund an incredibly important clinical trial for children with neuroblastoma - a clinical trial which will likely mean the cure for many children. Unlike other "cures" this particular one is proven and the purchase of a cookbook will help ensure that some children that can not receive this treatment will get it.

Not only is the Lunch for a Cure Cookbook an excellent gift for your friends or family but for a child with neuroblastoma it will also mean the gift of life.

Purchase your Lunch for a Cure Cookbook here.

Read more about the "cure" that we seek to fund here.

Help a child with neuroblastoma win a dream vacation to Walt Disney World by donating in their honor here.

This is purpose, with purpose.

A Griswald Thanksgiving

2010-11-22T06:44:00.003-06:00

The Dungan's have arrived. The trip was as eventful as expected. First off, I am happy to report that the family truckster survived the trip. We have now had two trips in a row where the Suburban we were driving actually survived the trip. I hope I did not just curse myself. After all, we still have to make it back home. Regardless the trip was fun - even considering the fact that it took 2 hours to make it through just 10 miles of Mississippi due to some wrecks.

We learned quite a bit. The first realization occurred in Tyler, Texas during our breakfast stop at the Cracker Barrel. Graham remarked at how excited he was to be in the "real old" Texas. "Look, all of the signs are even in old Cowboy letters" he remarked when reading the antique store sign that was next door - the "Old Texas Antique Store," I believe

Back on the road it was not long before we made it to Monroe, LA. Sydney asked "What's the smell, Louisiana?" Sorry Louisiananites, but I don't think you won any supporters from the back seat. The twerplets were not impressed. I fear it has been ingrained in to the hearts, minds and sinuses forever.

Other than the traffic, Mississippi was nice enough. It was our first stop in the syrupy sweetness of the deep South. Our stop at Arby's was uneventful but we wanted to share some of the congeniality we experienced there. The sign at the store wanted to let everyone know that Denekia, Kevin, Kisha, Danyeil, La Tonya, Shaniqua, Tareia, Janeeka, and Kevin wished everyone a Happy Holiday. Being in the South, I just thought we would share some of their good cheer.

Several hours later, we finally made it back to Alabama and, in Lynley's opinion, the true deep South. You could feel it in air. Our first stop at a gas station was met with a tide of friendly chatter. It took nearly 15 minutes to buy a coke and some beef jerky as the person behind the counter decided it was necessary to engage me in friendly banter. Friendly-enough people, I suppose. I think they were just trying to figure out how we were related.

Oh, don't get your nose out of joint Alabamians, I am a native son. After all, Lynley and I had to become bother and sister, before we got our marriage license. Just think of me as that obnoxious crossbred cousin.

All joking aside, I love Alabama. I would move here tomorrow if Mama Marge would let us move in with them.

I guess she just doesn't love us enough.

Well, I best be off, there are hours of in-law pestering purpose ahead of me.

Just call me Clark, Clark Griswald

2010-11-19T06:19:00.004-06:00

Thanksgiving has arrived. Oh, I know you may not think that Thanksgiving has arrived. You may not have even been to the grocery store to buy your turkey yet. But, if your in the Dungan household, Gobble time is here. The kiddos are already out of school and chomping at the bit to hop in the Suburban assault vehicle and make our very best impersonation of the Griswalds as we make our 13 hour trek to the deep south. As it stands, today I am in charge. The kiddos are home and it is my job to pack and get us all ready to leave by about 4 or 5 tomorrow morning. That means, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and packing (amidst a list of about 20 items that Lynley has left for me to do). Yes, and all of that while I also watch the kiddos. And, yes, this is all happening while Lynley sits her cute little butt at work and socializes (about business stuff I am sure). Somehow, I got the raw end of the deal.

None the less, even though I won't have my blushing brides help (although I am sure I will receive about 20 more texts from Demandia requesting for me to do more) I do have three little helpers (slaves) by my side. I think I might keep them busy packing for Lynley all day. Knowing Ainsley, she will have Lyn in a pink polka dotted top and yellow and green striped pants for Thanksgiving dinner. That ought to teach her a lesson for leaving her poor husband to do all of this work.

Feel sorry for me yet?

Naw? Neither did she. Oh well, I had better get to work.

In all actuality I am actually really looking forward to our trip. Not only am I looking forward to being back in Huntsville, AL but I am also looking forward to the road trip itself. I know. It sounds strange, doesn't it? The fact is that we have a pretty good time. The kiddos are pretty good and we all have fun stopping along the way. You would be amazed at the excitement a gas stop can be for the kiddos. It is amazing how different they find everything. Listening to them you would thing the truck stop in Terrell, TX or the BP Oil outside of Jackson,MS were in foreign countries. (Well, I guess in a way the latter probably is) Regardless, it is a fun day full of beef jerky, pumpkin seeds, Gatorade, and all of the sites, sounds, and smells (yes, smells) of life on the road.

I am looking forward to it. We will be making memories.

How weird am I?

That is just what one example of what purpose will do to you.

Lunch for a Cure Cookbook Cover Winners Selected

2010-11-18T06:38:00.004-06:00

Good morning! After scouring through roughly 160 pictures, we have finally selected a child with neuroblastoma to grace the cover of this year's Lunch for a Cure cookbook. It was not easy. In fact, it was so not easy that we actually select two pictures for two separate covers for the cookbook. Yes, you heard me. There are two covers to the cookbook - Team Xander and Team Reese. Furthermore, for even more fun, one is a vertical cover and the other was a horizontal cover.

I am also ecstatic to say that, for everyone else, we selected the best picture of each child from each entry and have created a collage to grace the back cover. This way, everyone gets to be a star and appear on the outside of what we are sure will be the most coveted cookbook of the year. So, with no further delay, here is a sneak peek at this year's cookbook covers which are already being spit out of the presses.

Incredible, aren't they? I know. I know. I would take full credit for the work but it is obviously the cuteness of the kiddos that pulls them off.

The great news is that we are already at the printer. Make sure to order yours now. You can get them here:

http://www.lunchforacure.org/cookbook

Buy one for yourself. Get them for your friends at Christmas. Give them to everyone.

This purpose will help a bunch of kids with neuroblastoma savor life to the fullest.

Lost tooth = adult?

2010-11-16T06:26:00.004-06:00

Yesterday marks another milestone. To listen to Lynley, her last baby is now all grown up. If you ask Ainsley, she would have told you she has been grown up for a long time. None the less, the last true hurdle of grow-em-up-edness has been achieved. Vestiges of her little girldom are beginning to disappear. Ainsley has lost her very first baby tooth. She is now a certifiable adult.

As anticipated, Ainsley is extremely proud of herself. I can't say that I completely understand this phenomenon but, I must admit, it is pretty fun to watch. With the loss of a tooth, Ainsley is now sophisticated (or at least she certainly seems to think so). She is no longer a lowly toothful twerp. She is a grownup and with the loss of her tooth she can now drive a car and vote. She no longer needs a sippy cup when she is drinking grape juice on the couch. As if she couldn't already do everything "herself" (in her mind) she is now somehow certified to it all.

While I hate to break the news to her that it is not the case, I would have to agree that she is somewhat certifiable.

Wow, do I have my hands full. If this is the transformation that a simple tooth can conjure. I am wondering what will happen when she turns 18, 21, worse yet 16, or (for Ainsley) 6.

Time flies when you are a twerp.

Even I will have to ramp up my purpose if we have any hope of surviving her adolescence.

Clearly, my wisdom is questionable

2010-11-15T06:09:00.004-06:00

Good morning! Well, as any normal Dungan weekend would be, it was jam packed. First, we had the end of two contests. The recipe submissions for the Lunch for a Cure cookbook ended on Friday and the contest to appear on the cover ended on Saturday. In all, we had over 600 recipe submissions for the cookbook and roughly 140 individual photo submissions for the cover.

Amazing! And to think we did it all in under a week.

Now the load is all on my shoulders. By the end of today, I need to have the cover artwork to the printer. Then, I have to go through the painstaking process of going through all of the recipes and getting them laid out in the cookbook. All said and done, that part will take several days. But hopefully, if I do my job, we should be shipping the cookbooks by Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, I did have the chance to be a little artsy this weekend. Graham had a bible project for school. Our subject was King Solomon's wisdom. We had the choice to make a poster, sing a song, or just about anything you can think of to get the lesson across. We chose to create a movie. We reenacted the great story - The Judgment of Solomon. Of course, we had to have our own twist. Graham played King Solomon, the girls played the two mothers, Lynley narrated, and you guessed it, I got stuck with playing the part of the baby. It was all good fun and if you have a spare minute and 42 seconds it is worth a good laugh. I can't say that we are particularly good actors but at least we are fun.

You are questioning my wisdom now, aren't you? Yep, the things you do for your kids...

Well enough fun. As you can see, a book's worth of purpose lies before me.

Last Minute Neuroblastoma Photo Contest!

2010-11-11T07:41:00.003-06:00

We have decided to update the cover of the Lunch for a Cure Cookbook with pictures of children with neuroblastoma. Hurry, the contest won't last long!

http://lunchforacure.org/contest

This is purpose in pictures.

One of the most important clinical trials ever conceived

2010-11-10T06:19:00.002-06:00

I have been asked by many people, what exactly is this trial that is being funded by Lunch for a Cure's "lunch money" this year? I have volumes on that. In fact, I have everything you would need to move an important clinical trial in neuroblastoma forward- strong preclinical data, an experienced research team, a consortium of hospitals dedicated to getting the trial open, and incredible scientific reviews.

But, before I begin to delve into all of that, I want you to truly understand why this clinical trail is so important to children with neuroblastoma. So, for that, I want you to take a moment to imagine.

Imagine that your child has neuroblastoma.

Imagine that you have been told that your child would most likely die.

It is a horrible, gut wrenching feeling and one that, unless you have been in that situation, I can guarantee is far worse than anything your mind or heart can conjure. For better or worse, it is truly unimaginable. None the less, I ask you to try.

Are you there yet? Can you feel it? Do you feel like all of the air has been squeezed out of you?

Now, I want you to imagine your child enduring rounds and rounds of high dose chemotherapy, multiple surgeries, a stem cell transplant (or 2), and radiation - and this is only what the first 6 months have brought your child.

The good news is that all of this treatment is working. Your child is better. Your child isn't cured but he or she is winning. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

There is hope.

After all, the neuroblastoma research world has just had an important discovery. We have a drug that has been proven to increase survival by 20%. This is the lifeline. This is the drug that can make the difference for your child. This is the potentially cure cementing answer you are looking for. It will tip the scales.

But, now I want you to imagine that your child can't have this drug.

He or she just can't. Your child won't get this drug and your child won't have a 20% better chance at survival.

Can you feel it now?

You see in this world, the real world, this happens everyday. There are children just like yours today that can't get this drug. Their doctor can't prescribe it and they can't buy it. It doesn't matter who you are, who you know, or how much money you have.

There are all kinds of complicated reasons why these children can't get the drug. They can't have it because they weren't on the right clinical trial. They can't have it because it is not FDA approved. They can't get it because of a limited supply. They can't get it because they ran out of time. They can't have it because they had to much disease at a particular point in time. They can't have it because they relapsed. There are literally hundreds of potential reasons they can't have it.

It is sad.

And children are dying because they cant get this drug - today, in the United States of America.

The clinical trial that Lunch for a Cure is funding will provide this drug to many children that can't get it. Furthermore, it also seeks to improve its efficacy and decrease its side effects.

It will saves lives.

When is the last time you knew that giving up your lunch for one day would actually save a child's life? You can't, can you. This time it will.

Now, for those of you wanting to read more about this trial, go to http://LunchforaCure.org/2010Funding

For those of you that wanting to give up a lunch to help fund this clinical trial, go to https://lunchforacure.org/Donate.aspx

For those of you that want to make a real big difference, ask all of your friends to do the same.

This is purpose - magnified.

Now that is what I am talking about.

2010-11-09T06:15:00.002-06:00

Well, the high Ainsley has had us riding on has finally come crashing down. It appears the model student has come home with a yellow sticker - a mark of minor misbehavior. While it is still not nearly as bad as I have come to expect from her on a daily basis it is a clear indication that the child that we drop off at school every day is most likely the same child answering to the name of Ainsley in Mrs. Lewis' class. For a long while we had doubted it, but given yesterday's evidence, I think we can conclude it is probably the same child.

So, what did she do?

Well, in all due honesty it was not even the exciting. She didn't try and slap the teacher or one of the students on the back of the head. She didn't climb the bookcases. She didn't scream 'No' to her elders at the top of her lungs. They wasn't found under her table chowing down on candy. She wasn't even calling anyone a dummy.

All of these behaviors, by the way, are things that we have seen or heard many times before.

No, Ainsley got in trouble for talking and doodling (of all things) when she wasn't supposed to. While I was just as strict with her as I would have been with any of my other children when they brought home a yellow sticker, it was probably overkill for her transgressions. She did not get any ice cream when we stopped on the way home to celebrate straight As on Sydney's progress report. She also had to spend 30 minutes up in her room while the other kiddos played outside. Of course, there was also a stern talking to with mean Mommy and mean Daddy voices.

Normally, I would feel a sense of accomplishment. After all, it takes mistakes like this to create teachable moments. All of this, and yet, I still feel a bit deflated.

Doodling, really?

Of all of the good things (I mean bad) Ainsley could have gotten in trouble for and I had to give her a lecture on jabbering and doodling.

I am totally disappointed. I expect a lot better misbehavior out of her. I won't tolerate these diddly "doodling" reprimands. I have come to expect much more of her. If she is going to mess up she had better step up her game. That is still not the Ainsley we know.

Kinda backwards purpose, isn't it?

A 3 day weekend?

2010-11-08T05:55:00.003-06:00

Ahhhh - a brand new week.... After a 3 day weekend you might think I would be fully relaxed. Nope, you have it backwards. I am looking forward to a nice work week to relax. Factor in the normal wear and tear the twerplets bestow upon their loving father and then consider the audacity of my mean slave driving wife (I love you dear) and you can begin to understand the level of refreshment that can be gained from a relaxing day at work.

A 3 day weekend, you ask?

Yep, Friday was Grandparent's Day at Southwest Christian School. That meant a 2 hour program followed by early release. That also meant no work for Daddo. Now, the program was almost as good as you could expect a 2 hour program of singing and acting can be as delivered by hundreds of kindergarten through 6th graders. Like you would probably feel - my kids were awesome - but I could have done without all of those other kiddos. That could have shaved off about an hour and 45 minutes right there. None the less, the messenging was pretty good, we walked away with smiles and I am quite sure that SCS walked away with a fair chunk of Grandparent change.

That was the purpose, right?

That evening was filled with the Wipe Out Kids' Cancer Gala - yes, another opportunity to get out our checkbooks. However, this one was special. Our very own Dr. Granger received an award for her medical achievements in neuroblastoma. Lynley and I were proud. We felt as though we had raised her from just a baby pediatric oncologist. The award was well-deserved and points to the incredible work she is doing for the neuroblastoma community. I am only hopeful that news of her great work can inspire some local neuroblastoma awareness and philanthropy.

Some of you may ask. You are part of the Neuroblastoma Foundation, why are you out hawking the goodness of another pediatric cancer foundation. Well, I am not a foundation bigot. If I believe in the work you are doing, I support you. In this case, I believe in what they are doing and, while they do not focus specifically on neuroblastoma, they are a great organization for general pediatric cancer. Mark my words. This will be the next general pediatric cancer leader in North America. One day this name will be synonymous with the big names like Susan G. Komen for the Cure, LiveStrong, and ACS.

The rest of the weekend was just plain hard work that no one really wants to hear about. The good news is that I got a bunch done on Lunch for a Cure, I finished all of the laundry, and I began the great workroom declutter (a huge job).

Now, it is back to serious work - only 4 more days to submit your recipes - https://lunchforacure.org/recipe

Purpose is well under way!

Win an apple iPad for a family of a child with neuroblastoma for free

2010-11-05T06:02:00.002-05:00

I have been told by way to many people that they had no idea that they could win a child with neuroblastoma an apple iPad just for submitting a recipe to the Lunch for a Cure Cookbook.

Well, YOU CAN!

It is simple.

Go to http://LunchforaCure.org/recipe
Select a child with neuroblastoma (or add one if he or she not listed)
Enter your recipe.

Each person can submit up to 5 recipes and each child can have up to 50 entries each. One winning child will be selected at random from all of the recipes submitted for this year's cookbook. It is that easy.

So, if you know of a child with neuroblastoma, go to http://LunchforaCure.org/recipe and submit a recipe in their honor.

Hurry, space is filling up and time is running out! The drawing will be held on Thanksgiving Day but we will only be accepting recipes for 7 more days!!

Now, that is purpose in the form of easy!

Twitter winner revealed

2010-11-03T06:20:00.003-05:00

@JakeyBro was the grand prize winner of our all expense paid trip to Chili's (as long as it was under $25) during our little Twitter contest on Monday. This may seem like it is bad news for those of you vying for the luxurious experience of dining out at Chili's but, you would be wrong. It turns out that Jake felt like it was inappropriate for him to win and, thus, has graciously donated the gift card back to the foundation as long as I use it creatively.

So, it turns out that is a good deal for you, but less so for me. Now, I have to be creative.

And, I had thought I was doing that in the first place...

So, get ready for action, in a day or so I am going to come up with something so exciting and fun that your mouth will be watering in anticipation of its greatness.

At least, I think.

The other thing I noticed with this little exercise is that the readers of my diary are, for the most part, twitter challenged. In the end, @NBFoundation received some 20 new twitter followers - not bad for a gift certificate I found cleaning out my desk and the fact that it was only mentioned on my blog. The funny thing about it was that I received over 50 email from people that had spotted me in the picture and were looking for a way to cheat the system. I am sorry to all of you. It was a twitter contest and, while I appreciate you taking the time to email me the answer, only twitter entries counted.

Helpful nugget of the day - Sign up on twitter - its fun!

Oh, and another helpful nugget - Hurry up and submit your recipes for the Lunch for a Cure Cookbook. It is filling up fast.

It is getting to be that time of the year when everyone gets a little purpose in their stocking.

Oh I am such a bad parent!

2010-11-02T06:07:00.002-05:00

I have got the shutters on my front windows closed. I am pretty sure CPS has me under surveillance and I don't want them peeking in. This time though, I know full well that it was my own parenting that got me into this predicament.

Did I go too far?

Every child has their issues. Yes, even my perfect little munchkins forget to do things that they know that they should or shouldn't be doing. For Ainsley, the issue is eating candy. She eats too much. We all know that. For Graham - well - I take that back, Graham is perfect. He is flawless. Forget about him. But, Sydney, whoa, she has some issues. (You know I am kidding, right?) Regardless, she does have a few issues and it seems it was hers that led me down this path.

You see, last night after dinner she was complaining about a red mark on her forehead. Yes, even at the tender age of 9 she has somehow already developed the girly obsession of physical perfection. Flawless alabaster skin is important to her and she is always asking us about how much we notice certain perceived imperfections. Generally, these are always redness and usually a result of her rubbing them. There is never anything else that is discernible.

So, anyway, last night she inquired about a red blotch on her forehead. It was barely noticeable - so much so, that, to this very moment, I have doubts that anything truly existed. Regardless, during our discussion I noticed that her teeth were dirty. While I am sure this was a direct result of the dinner she just finished, it was certainly complicated by her lack of brushing. Getting her to brush is like pulling teeth (even the threat of it seems not to work.) It is her issue. Every child has one and Sydney falls victim to not brushing enough.

So.........

When she asked me about her forehead, her teeth were on my mind. I told her the mark on her forehead was because she wasn't brushing her teeth. She looked at me inquisitively. In the most strraight faced manner a could muster I told her "seriously, go ask your mother." She did and guess what? Lynley backed me up. "You bet Sydney, the mark on your forehead is like an indicator light. You haven't been brushing your teeth."

Hook, line and sinker.

We had her. The next thing we knew she was upstairs brushing her teeth.

Before bed she asked if the mark was gone. Seeing her teeth were fresh and clean I assured her that it was. She went to sleep happily.

Now, you may think Sydney is gullible. She is a bit. When I told her the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary she looked it up. It turned out I was right. Gullible isn't in the dictionary. I can prove it. Look it up here.

Yes, I know, I am going to hell. But, that is only if CPS doesn't get me first.

Purpose is just like a cat, there is always more than one way to skin them.

Halloween 2010 & Twitter Contest

2010-11-01T06:13:00.006-05:00

Happy day after Halloween. I am happy to report that the kiddos all received a gullet full of candy and declared the holiday a complete success. As you can see below, they brought out their Halloween finest.

Pictured from left to right are Ainsley, Graham and Sydney with Aunt Jenny peeking over their shoulders. But, that is not the tricky part. Can you find me?

Twitter Contest!
Become a follower of @NBFoundation and tweet my location in the picture with the tag #WheresMarko before 8:00 AM CST on November 2, 2010 and you will be eligible to win a $25 gift certificate to Chili's. One winner will be drawn at random from the correct entries.

(example: Mark is hiding in the pumpkin #WheresMarko)

New to Twitter? Never heard of it? Click here for instructions on how to get started.

Now, onto 2 funny quotes from Halloween:
When Sydney was asked by people handing out candy what her costume was she explained that she was a "jail fairy"

The wing on Ainsley's costume kept flopping over giving the impression of a broken wing. She described herself as a "broken angel."

Lunch for a Cure Recipes Please!

2010-10-29T06:01:00.002-05:00

Okay, you heard it here first. We need your recipes!

The Neuroblastoma Foundation has begun collecting recipes for its 2010 edition of its Lunch for a Cure Cookbook. The proceeds from the sale of this cookbook go to fund important neuroblastoma research. But first, we need to collect some incredible recipes.

I am asking you (yes you!) to donate a recipe in the name of a child with neuroblastoma.

It is simple:

Go to http://lunchforacure.org/recipe
Follow the directions.

Your recipe will be included in the 2010 Lunch for a Cure Cookbook. The funds from the sale of that cookbook will go towards funding an incredibly important clinical trial for children with neuroblastoma.

Additionally, every recipe given in honor or memory of a child with neuroblastoma will register that child (or family) with a chance to win a brand new Apple iPad. The drawing will be held on Thanksgiving Day, November 25, 2010.

Hurry, we only have a short time to collect the recipes.

It is just one recipe and a few minutes out of your life but your help will give a child just that - more life.

Please, donate a recipe to Lunch for a Cure and ask everyone you know to do the same.

Nein Farten

2010-10-28T06:13:00.003-05:00

Lynley has a strict policy on passing gas. Don't do it - ever! I guess, since she has never done it (I believe that because I am a guy and I want to believe it), she has the right to have that opinion. While I agree with her, I take a far less militant approach. None the less, as we often do, we divide our parental responsibilities down by the sexes when it comes to things that appear to be dependent on sex.

And, as I have already established, I believe with all of my heart that only males do this.

I have come to like the policy of girls handle girls and boys handle boys as it seems that there are more girls problems than boy problems - at least in our household. It seems that girls have all kinds of issues and always need some kind of specialized talk. However, on the boys side it is a rare occasion and most issues can be solved with a couple of grunts and "dudes." As you would expect, on the topic of cheese cutting, I have been given the responsibility of head chef. It is my duty. I have to deal with the boy, my Dudester, and his apparent infatuation with flatulence.

One might argue that boys will be boys, however I can tell you, in this household, that simply won't fly. With Lynley in the ranks it is viewed not only as unacceptable but as an assault on the very fiber that holds the world together.

The problem is that Graham finds tremendous joy in his newly acquired skill. I somewhat remember from my childhood that "farting on demand" was quite a beacon of boyhood superiority. On top of that, I also seem to recall it being very funny. Of course, as a grown man, that has all changed but, before I commit to punishing my kiddos, I always try to view the world through their gas filled goggles.

Over the last few weeks there have been several complaints from the girls concerning Graham's gaseous attacks. Of course, according to Lynley law, I have stepped in quickly to correct the behavior. At first, I suggested that Graham should excuse himself from the room and, in the rare occasion in which it could not be controlled, he should say excuse me. Of course, now it seems that my son has a serious condition in which it can never be controlled (unless, of course, he needs to do it on demand) and tries to get away with it by following his thundering and toxic release with a pleasant "excuse me."

I always told you that Graham was the politest and kindest of the bunch.

Regardless, egged on by other boys at Tae Kwon Do last night, Graham contributed (if not led) to a rumbling stink out. The girls all came running to their mothers to complain and, for some reason, I received the disapproving look - as if it were my fault.

It is funny how everything bad that the kids do always seems to be my fault, but, that is not really the point.

Anyway, I took this opportunity to sit the boy on the bleachers and give him the best non farting speech I had. I brought as much drama as I possibly could to my dissertation on the inhibition of boyhood flatulence. Everyone was in tears - Graham because of my committed demeanor and, all of the women in the class, because of my over the top performance. In the end, it was Lynley who could not contain her laughter and completely undermined my authority on the subject of this public indecency. The next thing I knew everyone had a smile on their faces.

The problem is that I had it all within my grasp. I had Graham scared fartless, ready to commit to a life without gas until the women folk took all of the broken wind out of my sails.

And you know what, the next time he does it, guess who is going to get the disapproving look?

Yep, you guessed it.

Sometimes even all of the purpose is not enough.

Secret recipes and undercover work

2010-10-27T06:22:00.003-05:00

Good morning! I apologize for not writing yesterday but I was hard at work and the time simply slipped by. You see, between you and I, I am working on my absolute favorite project. It is the one that I love to do - not the one that pays me to live. Regardless, don't tell anyone, but I am working on the updated Lunch for a Cure website and getting ready for this year's launch.

Again, don't tell anyone yet. But, what you can start doing is collecting your recipes. Yep, we brought back the cookbook and this year it is going to be better than ever. Now, everyone can submit their recipes online and, if you do so in the name of a child with neuroblastoma, your recipe may even win that child (or their family) a brand new iPad.

If all of that is not good enough, I even found a sponsor for the dream vacation to Walt Disney World. That means every $5 donation made to Lunch for a Cure in the name of a child with neuroblastoma will enter that child in a drawing to win the Walt Disney World Dream Vacation.

Hold on, it gets better. The Giving Trees are back. Each $5 donation in a child's name also earns that child an ornament on their very own Giving Tree. Once the the Giving Tree fills up, gifts start appearing under the tree, and, best yet, real gifts are sent to them in the mail.

Now, all of that is fine and dandy and I am sure enough motivation to get people to start giving up their lunches and donating their recipes but the thing that is most important to me is what the donations will be funding this year. We will be funding a trial which does two extremely important things. First, it will provide ch14.18 (yes, the same antibody that increased survival by 20%) to children with refractory and relapsed neuroblastoma. This is incredibly important because, right now, those kiddos have no way of getting this life-saving and cure-cementing drug. This alone, providing access to ch14,18, will save real lives right now. There is no greater impact than that. Secondly, the trial offers a new drug to be combined with the ch14.18 which is expected to make it work even better than ever. Best yet, it does not have the toxicities and issues seen with IL-2 or GM-CSF (other drugs given with ch14.18) and it appears to work even better. Best yet, it is already an FDA approved drug - meaning it is available to our kids and has little threat of disappearing like so many others have in the last few years. It will be this research though, that shows whether this drug is better and safer than what we have today.

Bottom line, this is the most important research project I have ever had the opportunity to help fund. It is huge. It is life saving and ,from a research standpoint, it will likely be one of the most important things that we are ever a part of. It is that meaningful.

There will be more to come.

In the meantime, get ready. In a day or so, we will be racing to collect recipes for the new cookbook. I am hoping that you will help me get the word out.

This is purpose like we have never seen before.

The reviews are in

2010-10-25T05:45:00.002-05:00

At 8:25 sharp we dawned Mrs. Lewis' door. She was running a few minutes late with the parent before us. This gave us a few nervous moments to stand in the hallway. What would she say? Was Ainsley as far behind as we had been led to believe the previous year? Would she need tutoring?

After about 10 minutes we were invited into the class room. After a short prayer Mrs. Lewis began. For about five minutes she described a little girl with excellent manners and one who was always the first to help clean up or to perform a chore. She chronicled the life of a shy child who was always intent on doing her best and became shy and a bit withdrawn when she had not mastered a task.

After five minutes, I had had enough of this. I reached into my pocked and pulled out my cell phone. I then pulled up a picture of Ainsley. I handed the phone to Mrs. Lewis. "We are talking about Ainsley, right? The little girl in the picture there?"

This brought out a laugh from Mrs. Lewis. It turns out that she was ,in fact, talking about our Ainsley. While I still can't tell you that I completely understand it, she is a little angel in Mrs. Lewis class. We reviewed her work and found that while she did well in many areas it was the areas that she had not achieved mastery that were the most telling. It seems that Ainsley has a confidence problem (Yes, our Ainsley, my child) She seems to have difficulty getting started on new tasks and doubts her ability to accomplish them. The good news is that once you get her over that hurdle, she absolutely flourishes and beams with pride. I know, I know. It seems very strange for a child like mine. But, the good news is that it gives us something to work on with Ainsley. It is important to us. We want our kids to be confident.

We left our meeting with Mrs. Lewis feeling very good and extremely proud of Ainsley. Our next stop was Sydney's teacher, Mrs. Hart. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say that Sydney is doing wonderfully. She falls victim to two things, rushing her work and, believe it or not, a lack of confidence. While I can understand Sydney's lack of confidence, this is an area that we continually work on with her. She holds her self to a very high bar and when she does not achieve her goals (many times unrealistic ones) she beats herself up about it. Overall, her review of Sydney's work was outstanding. She is a smart little girl with an incredible heart. But, once again, we have a confidence problem.

Is it us? Is it genetics? I don't know although I will be the first to point out, if it were genetics, anyone that knows me knows that it could not possibly be my genetics. I am brimming with the stuff. So, it must be something else? Are we holding them to too high of standards? Are we creating this monster?

Again, I don't know. It just makes me wonder and I want to ensure that if it is something that I am doing (or we are doing) as a parent that I want to get it straightened out. My kiddos know they are deeply loved but do they really know how proud I am of them? Do I make as big a deal of their successes as I do of their failures? What can I do to be a better parent? How can I help them and get them to where I want them to be? I want them to believe that they can do and accomplish anything as long as they set their hearts and minds to it. How do I do that?

Graham's was our last teacher's meeting. He would have been the one that I would have seen as having the biggest confidence issue, however, he seems to be improving a lot this year. It seems that taekwondo is doing a lot to help him in that area. He is developing socially and he is doing wonderfully in school. Mrs. Wilson went to great links to explain the grading system and while I still can't tell you how he compares to anyone else I can tell you that he seems to be progressing well enough. It seems he is a smart little boy. Our scholastic goals for him are to further encourage his reading. It seems that the more he reads the better off he will be. He is right on track in building confidence. It is still an issue but we have seen tremendous improvement.

Well, enough is enough, it appears I have painted a pretty complete picture of the kiddos progress thus far. I am only as hopeful that I can progress as far as a parent for our next review.

I need to put my purpose to work.

Insight on the horizon

2010-10-22T05:47:00.004-05:00

Good morning. Well, today marks a very nervous day for the twerplets. You see, they are off from school as this is parent/teacher conference day. Yep, we will meet with each of their teachers and discuss their progress in intimate detail (evil laugh). Worse yet, without a baby sitter they will have to sit quietly outside the classrooms while we meet which I am sure will only add to the tension. Yes, both Lynley and I demand to be present together for these meetings. We learned through the journey that is pediatric oncology that we both hear things differently and if we ever want to come to a mutually agreeable decision we both have to have the opportunity to hear information first hand and ask our own questions.

In other words, I like to be totally informed before she tells me what to do.

So, what are we expecting?

Well, you might think that we are expecting to hear good things regarding Sydney given the recent mastery on her 6 week report card. However, what you don't know is that in the last week Sydney has brought home a series of Cs on her math homework. In the end, we have resolved this issue. Frankly, she was rushing her work and not checking it thoroughly. A couple of parental drills later and we think she has fully grasped the importance of double checking. Cs bring with them a lot of extra work in this household. It is generally much easier to get an A in the first place because if you bring home anything less you will drill it until it has sunk in completely. Regardless, we know those recent scores will be a topic of conversation and I am sure that there are several other things that we are yet to become unaware of.

Graham and Ainsley are both up in the air. I anticipate good things in our discussion about Graham although I do expect his "sensitivity" to be an issue and the fact that he needs to be more "flexible", a topic. Afterall, it has been an ongoing subject since preschool. Although he has improved it still takes very little to ruffle Dudely's feathers. It will be interesting to get his new teacher's impression.

I don't know what to think about Ainsley. You may remember that last year's conference went about as poorly as can be expected. Her teacher failed her in every category of being a human, (much less a student) and offered no explanation or interpretation as to why she thought Ainsley scored so completely below the curve. This was a surprise to us as we have always viewed (and continue to) Ainsley as the sharpest tool in the tool bag. This is not to say our others are anything less that brilliant. Ainsley is just especially talented in her ability to learn. It will be interesting because I trust Mrs. Lewis to give us a pretty accurate picture of where she is scholastically. The good news is that regardless of what we hear, good or bad, I know that we will come out of this with a game plan.

Well I had best be off. Our meetings begin at 8:15 sharp and I am charged with getting a full day of work in before then.

Purpose is fast forward today.

Neuroblastoma prognostic factors - What matters?

2010-10-21T05:59:00.003-05:00

After perusing the newly minted New England Journal of Medicine (NEJM) article, "Anti-GD2 Antibody with GM-CSF, Interleukin-2, and Isotretinoin for Neuroblastoma," I was reminded of my fascination (okay, obsession) with neuroblastoma prognostic factors. The article had an interesting discussion on the most recent revelations concerning the prognostic factors for children with high risk neuroblastoma and I once again found my mind wondering. What matters?

Throughout Sydney's treatment I had a morbid fascination with the statistics and an intense need to know everything about the factors that affected Sydney's prognosis. There were several occasions when medical experts commented on my obsession. "Why does it matter? You are already high risk? It wouldn't change anything therapeutically." But, would it? Even though I have great respect for the oncologists and researchers that gave me that response, I totally disagreed then and I still do today.

In one sense they were right. We were already on a high risk trial and whether or not she was NMYC amplified or diploid did not matter therapeutically. What they never considered was my willingness to jump ship on any trial at any moment if I believed another trial or treatment would be in her best interest. For example, today if Sydney was diagnosed with neuroblastoma and she had some significantly poor prognostic factors I might be more inclined to participate in a trial which included tandem transplants or offered the ability to move on to MIBG therapy if she was less than responsive. However, if she was high risk but had good prognostic factors, all things being considered, I might be more inclined to favor a trial aimed at reducing toxicity such as the one that includes Sodium Thiosulfate.

Later in Sydney's therapy it did turn out that Sydney's prognostic factors actually did impact treatment. We were far more aggressive with her relapse treatment and her prognosis played a large part of my personal decision. And the phase 1 vaccine trial that we participated in Houston, well, that decision was absolutely influenced by prognostic factors. We were more aggressive because of what we knew about Sydney's disease.

The fact is that prognostic factors can influence decisions and should. It is all risk. If the risk of death is higher then we are willing to take more risk to reverse that reality. You need to know what your risks are.

Prognostic factors matter!

So, with all of that being said. What did I learn about prognostic factors in the NEJM article. As expected, we found that the event-free survival was worse in patients with disease of INSS stage 4 than in patients with disease of INSS stage 2, 3, or 4S (P = 0.003). Interestingly, especially to me, diploidy, representing normal tumor-cell DNA index, was predictive of worse overall survival than hyperdiploidy (P = 0.007). Finally, a complete or very good partial response, as compared with a partial response, before autologous stem-cell transplantation was predictive of improved event-free survival (P = 0.04) and overall survival (P=0.02). Surprisingly, no other prognostic factors studied were predictive of outcome. Yes, even age, MCYN amplification, and tumor histology were not found to be statistically significant when comparing high risk patients. Although it is probably still worth pointing out that even though the results were not statistically significant the 2 year event free and overall survival statistics were higher for younger patients, non NMYC amplified patients and patients with favorable histology. I would bet money (in my non professional and non medically degreed opinion) that a higher number of patients and randomization based on the stratification of patients would have probably given this more power and shown these to be factors to be statistically significant.

So, are all of these rules hard and fast. Absolutely, not! But I have to argue that they can be an important influence in decision making. While I certainly would not let one of these factors influence my decision to accept anything less than the standard of care for high risk neuroblastoma, I would be lying if I did not say that they might influence my decision to do more.

Purpose can and should be influenced.

Are my kid's brilliant or not?

2010-10-19T06:26:00.004-05:00

Back at home, things are pretty normal. Lynley is back from Anaheim and the kiddos are back in school. Last Friday did bring some good news though. All of the kiddos brought home their report cards. As always, I am extremely proud of Sydney bringing home yet another set of straight As. Somehow she even managed to bring home an 'E' for behavior and work ethic in one of her classes. Yes, this report card was as good as any one we have ever seen from her. Here is to hoping we can keep the streak alive.

Moving on. They changed 1st grade grading this year. No longer are they following the traditional A, B, C scale. They, too, have the massive list of skills similar to what we saw in kindergarten. Each skill is marked with a 1, 2, 3, or 4 indicating whether they have mastered independently, they are progressing, progressing with teacher assistance, or not progressing on each skill.

Let me be clear.

I despise this grading system. With a traditional scoring system I know exactly how they are doing in each scoring area for each period. However, while I am sure academics get great value out of knowing how each student is progressing on each individual skill they are working on it is absolutely useless to parents. I have no idea of how what they are working on relates to these specific skills. I have no idea if they are doing well or poorly. In fact, my only indication that they are not doing something would be a "not progressing" mark which would mean to me a complete failure (which, by the way, I don't believe any of my kids would ever fall into this particular situation without us knowing about it well before hand.) With this grading system there is no way for parents to know what areas they should be spending extra time on with their kiddos. Yes, we do have a nebulous list of tasks to complete or skills to acquire by the end of the year but how do I know whether they should be progressing, progressing with teacher assistance, or mastering on any given task. What is good? What is bad?

It is a ridiculous system and I hate it, hate it, hate it.

Is that clear? Perhaps a little over the top?

I don't care. It makes me mad.

So, regardless, Graham has a ton of progressing, and progressing with teacher assistance marks. I have no idea whether he is brilliant or an imbecile outside of my own observations. Thankfully a meeting with his teacher at the end of the week will hopefully clear that all up.

Ainsley? Well, Ainsley has an entirely other grading system. Hers is a page long list of skills with Xs and hashmarks. I have no idea where she stands either but at least I am use to seeing that grading system. I can compare it to Sydney and Graham's previous report cards to see how she compares. Yes, I know. It is all still very nebulous. The good news is that we will get to meet with Mrs. Lewis later this week as well. I will certainly have a better idea of where she stands than I did throughout all of last year but, keep in mind, Mrs. Lewis is an expert educator well studied in the art of avoiding my questions of how Ainsley compares to the rest of the students. However, I will come out of our meeting with some very concrete skills to work on with Ainsley. I know that and, while I hate the grading system, I also know Mrs. Lewis will lead us in the right direction.

So, there you have it. A complete report on the status of the kiddos education.

You feel totally informed?

Yeah, me neither.

I guess I will get back to purpose then.

Toxic thoughts on Anti-GD-2 antibody therapy

2010-10-18T05:59:00.005-05:00

There were many interesting little nuggets of information that could be taken away from the New England Journal of Medicine article "Anti-GD2 Antibody with GM-CSF, Interleukin-2, and Isotretinoin for Neuroblastoma." Some of which was surprising (at least to me), but all of it was important for a child with neuroblastoma. From side effects and prognostic factors to survival curves there was something for everyone. Yes, there was even mention of a 20% increase in survival due to this regimen. But, there was also a treasure trove of other interesting factoids.

I think the things that caught my eye first were the side effects mentioned in the article abstract.

In the immunotherapy group, a total of 52% of patients had pain of grade 3, 4, or 5, and 23% and 25% of patients had capillary leak syndrome and hypersensitivity reactions, respectively.

Now, before I dig into this I have to disclose that I have a bias when it comes to antibody therapy. After watching my daughter go through 18 rounds of anti-GD2 antibody therapy, watching 100s of other children go through it and then having 7 years to reflect upon it, I have an opinion which is steeped in experience and tempered by time. So, before I share what I found interesting in this article you should know this, I believe in antibody therapy and if I had to make the decision to put Sydney through it all again, I would do it in a heart beat - and frankly so would she.

So, with that being said, let's begin.

I was absolutely amazed that only 52% of patients experienced grade 3, 4, or 5 pain. What you cannot read in the abstract is that they also found that grade 3, 4 or 5 pain was only experienced during 25% of 598 cycles of immunotherapy. Shocking! In my experience pain was almost universal and I would not enter this treatment with an expectation of anything less. Yes, I know what this phase 3 study results say. But still, I can also tell you that I have only seen intense pain not be a factor in one lone child receiving the ch14.18, as given in this study, and in children receiving 3F8 that had experienced a HAMA. So, if you have a child that is getting ready to enter antibody therapy, do not take my words lightly. Take my word for it. Your child will experience pain. It will be horrible. In fact, the first day may well be the worst day of your life. It is awful. Watching your child endure it is the stuff nightmares are made of.

But still, do it.

Now, here is the good news (and I mean this in the most heartfelt way possible coming from a dad that has been there), the child probably won't remember a darn thing unless they are older than 7 or 8. Yes, you child will end up being so drugged up they won't have any memory of the pain or the treatment. Unfortunately, for you, that is not the case. You get to live with the memories of the pain and agony for the rest of your life. But, I can also tell you this, the pain (your pain) fades over time. (Their pain ends with the infusion) In fact, you have probably been saying the whole time, I wish I could bear all of this treatment for my child. This is your opportunity. While you still can't do the treatment it is you that will have to carry the weight of the memory of the treatment for your child.

Sydney had antibody therapy from the age of 4 through age 6. She has no recollection of the pain and, in fact, she only remembers her time at Times Square, a few of her favorite nurses and the taste of the hard boiled egg that she would cherish every morning. The pain and the discomfort have all been lost and replaced by happier times. I should also point out that this seems fairly consistent with nearly everyone I have met.

The bottom-line is that you should prepare yourself for your child to endure pain. Be prepared to advocate for your child and to be on top of the pain meds. With the right mix of timing and morphine you can make this trip a far more pleasant one for your child. Again, the great news is that this treatment could likely prevent relapse and save your child's life and your child will have little or no memory of it.

The other side effect that shocked me a bit was that of capillary leak syndrome. A quarter of patients seems about right. I had always attributed it to the use of the world's nastiest drug, IL-2 (my non-medically trained opinion). However, while it occurred more frequently during cycles 2 and 4, which involved IL-2, with incidences of 11% and 13%, respectively, it also occurred in cycles 1, 3, and 5 during courses involving GM-CSF (incidences of 3 to 7%).

This trend was found with hypersensitivity reactions as well. Grade 3 or 4 hypersensitivity reactions were reported in 25% of patients, during 15% of immunotherapy cycles. Hypersensitivity reactions were more frequent during the two cycles involving interleukin-2, with incidences of 26% and 25%, as compared with 5 to 12% during the three cycles involving GM-CSF (P = 0.001). Such reactions may be attributable to symptoms and signs that reflect both toxic effects of interleukin-2 and antibody-related hypersensitivity.

Finally, the side effect of fever was the other thing that shocked me. Only 39% of patients experienced fever. Again, my experience is that fever is universal in rounds that include IL-2. In fact, I have never heard of a child not experiencing high fevers with the use of IL-2. I, honestly thought 103 and 104 degree fevers were universal and I seriously draw that statistic into question. In short, I would not be surprised when I saw my child experience a high fever during IL-2 treatment.

Several times throughout the article they mention how this regimen was associated with important treatment-related clinical toxic effects. As much as I felt that the incidence of side effects was far less than I had perceived I was surprised by how much worse the article made the side effects seem. Yes, there was pain, some capillary leak syndrome and hypersensitivity reactions. However, compared to the toxicity of chemotherapy or radiation it was a walk in the park. There is no hearing loss, no cardiotoxicity, no mountains of lifelong toxicities to look forward to. In comparison to everything our children had faced up to this point it seemed almost not even worth mentioning. (although I know they had to).

In short, I was surprised that there were not more toxic effects than there were. I expected them to impact far more patients than they apparently did. However, I was also surprised by the discussion of the toxicities. To me, the article made them sound much worse than they really were. Regardless, I think the article continues to make an incredible argument for the importance of antibody therapy.

Nobody ever said that raising the survival curve by 20% would be easy, just be glad that, for your child, it will not be memorable.

More purpose to come.

A clear case of paternal discrimination

2010-10-14T06:22:00.004-05:00

Good morning! Well, the thing you probably don't know about the Dungan clan is the fact that everyone in the family with any "apparent" degree of responsibility is out of town. Yep, since Tuesday, Lynley has been in Anaheim at Educause, a convention for double sided nerds (nerds who love both education and technology - a wicked and dedicated combination) This has left me to navigate the twerplets through the cruel cold world for a few days on my very own. Lynley will not be back until Friday night.

Of course, Lynley has left me a plethora of lists. I find that very interesting. I don't remember leaving her a single list when I leave town. Yet, here I find myself with a cupboard wall filled with reminders and instructions. I look at them and all I can think is "how degrading." How could she possibly think that I would not remember all of this stuff?

I think the next time, I will have to leave her lists on how to do laundry, make breakfasts, dinners every other night, operate the dishwasher, how to remove dishes from the dishwasher (trust me, she needs that), clean the dishes, how to take out the trash, get the kid's dressed in the morning, how to take them to school, how to pick them up, how to back flush the pool, how to empty the debris from the Polaris, and anything else I can think of.

I find it all very interesting. Am I really perceived as being that out of touch that I need instructions on how to feed the dogs?

And another thing, at all of our usual haunts, everyone I talk to seems to know that I am "baching" it. Apparently, they were told to keep an eye on us. There are spies everywhere. Did I comb their hair? Do their socks match? How ragged to we look?

Aargh! Absolutely, disappointingly, incredible!

Are men really eyed as being this incompetent? Are we really so wrapped up into work that we can't care for our families without lists and instructions?

What has the world come to?

Although, I must admit, it is food for thought. And if I was one of these fathers, is that who I'd want to be? Would I want to be that out of touch? That disengaged?

I can't answer that question for anyone else but I, for one, don't. And I take great offense to this clear case of sexual paternal discrimination.

If I had a bra I would unburn it.

Now, I am going to go into the kitchen and make lunches. And hear this, I might even use a cookie cutter to make little hearts out of their sandwiches.

I've got maternal game. Bring it on!

I've got purpose yes I do, I've got purpose how about you?

Anti-GD2 Antibody with GM-CSF, Interleukin-2, and Isotretinoin for Neuroblastoma

2010-10-12T06:09:00.002-05:00

On September 30, 2010 an incredibly important article for children with neuroblastoma was finally published in the New England Journal of Medicine. It was published nearly a year and a half after the safety monitoring committee determined that the study met the criteria for early stopping of the randomization, on the basis of the superiority of immunotherapy over standard therapy with regard to event-free survival for children with high risk neuroblastoma. I have anticipated the publishing of this article with greater fervor than many others as Sydney (yes, our very own super hero) was part of this study. She was a data point back in 2004.

Yes, a long time in coming for such an important piece of information.

The bottom-line of this article is the fact that a phase 3 trial (the gold standard for pediatric cancer research) showed that immunotherapy with ch14.18, GM-CSF, and interleukin-2 was associated with a significantly improved outcome as compared with standard therapy in patients
with high-risk neuroblastoma. More specifically, it showed a 2 year 20% increase in event free survival (66±5% vs. 46±5% at 2 years, P = 0.01) for children that received immunotherapy with this combination of drugs. It is also important to mention that it also showed an 11% increase in 2 year overall survival (86±4% vs. 75±5% at 2 years, P = 0.02 without adjustment for interim analyses) although this latter statistic had yet to meet the criteria to be considered statistically significant at the time of study stoppage.

I could literally write for weeks about interesting findings in this article. In my mind, it was literally chock full. As expected, it delivered on a thorough discussion of survival as it related to treatment both with and without immunotherapy, but it also included some incredibly interesting information on prognostic factors. As one would anticipate it also delivered on a thorough discussion regarding the toxicity of immunotherapy. Ironically this differed significantly from my perception, even given the 100s of kiddos that I have seen endure immunotherapy. It was funny in that I felt that the reported number of side effects were far less than I had anticipated and, yet, the description of those side effects was far worse than I expected. This all warrants further discussion and much more time and space than I can encompass in one blog entry. For that reason, over the next few weeks, I will plan on discussing several of these items in greater detail in their very own dedicated entries.

In the meantime, this is one of those articles that are worth the read. It should solidify your opinion that antibody therapy is the right way to go, it should give you some interesting insight into prognosis, and it should prepare you for what you need to watch out for when your child is undergoing antibody therapy.

This is proven purpose.